5 Ways You Can Be My Favorite AirBnB Guest

1. Do not cum on my stuff

If you really need to have sex in my home, I understand that. It’s so clean and chic that I get horny all the time in it, myself. But for the love of God in Trump’s America, use condoms! Clean up after yourself. I have cleaned up so much cum (2 cums!!) that now I charge $100 for all bodily fluids I have to confront after you leave including vomit and blood. It’s not a dorm room. It’s not your own home. It’s my home and my sheets. Do you want my lady-jizz in your sheets? Okay then why are you splooging in mine? No jizz on my rainbow blanket please!

2. Replace the toilet paper roll

In 5 months of AIr B&B I have had zero guests replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty. I took some initiative in the beginning by setting extra TP out on top of the toilet. Look, here it is! Now you don’t have to act shy about opening the cupboard and searching for more! But still, no one is replacing the roll. We are setting a new roll on top of the cardboard left from the previous. I am worried that my guests just stop wiping with they stop seeing toilet paper. Y’all need to take care of yourselves, your bottoms, and truly impress me by replacing the toilet paper roll.

3. Put the fucking seat down

I have a cutesey sign in my bathroom that says, “a woman lives here put the seat down, dear.” Pretty cute, right? I made it myself with markers. Some of us who pee standing up still leave the seat up. I live alone. I pee sitting down. I expect the toilet to remain a seat and not a lake to fall in. Fellas and friends who pee standing up, listen: the worst thing that could happen to you when the seat is left down and you didn’t notice is that you will pee on the seat. Then you can (AND WILL) just wipe it up! The worst thing that could happen to me when I don’t realize the seat is still up is that I will sit down and fall into the toilet. Can’t just wipe that up. Have you have dumped your own butt into toilet water? Ok, so not just in my home, but everywhere you go put the seat down. Or like, respect the toilet wishes of the person whose home you are in. Think: Does a woman live here? Then I will put the seat down, dear.

4.Inform Yourself & Communicate

Communicate early and as often as you need. Let me know when you plan to check in. And then show up at that time. Your host is happy to greet you but does not want to spend her whole day waiting for you. If you’re going to be late or need to amend your plans — COMMUNICATE. Ask as many questions as you need! BUT! Make sure you read the whole listing. I’m happy to answer all of your questions and I’m glad you’re asking but we really don’t need to have this conversation when you’ve read the listing. Do you provide towels? Yes it says I do. What time is check in? Please just read. We can do plenty of chatting to confirm our plans and expectation but please don’t act surprised by the listed facts.

5. Say thank you.

Please remember that a human let you into their home so that you could have a cooler experience than staying at a hotel. There is a lot to be grateful for here. Say thank you. Sometimes thank you manifests into a 5 star review?? Come onnnn I gave you bagels!

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