A personal note for you.
I know for a lot of people, 6 year is not a short time for a relationship. Speaking from the perspective of human-years, it probably is long. However, to me, our relationship is ever-evolving in its every year, every month, even in its every day. So there’s always something new to learn in it; from it.
Lately it becomes even more prominent to me that the way we love our partner reflects the way we love ourselves. Whatever is said and done in our relationship, how we define our relationship, how we understand it, is very much dependent on our very own relationship with ourselves. An understanding of ‘us’ needs as much of an understanding into ‘me’.
In the last 6 years, I’ve learnt to love better; not you but me. I finally can see how to love myself in a kind and compassionate way, rather than the possessive, controlling, and needy. And I hope this stays, or even better, grows.
Over the course of my life, I’ve always felt like I’m missing something in myself. Like I’m not good enough for anything, and will never be. However, little by little, so very patiently, you taught me to be brave enough to see the otherwise.
I feel liberated and vulnerable at the same time.
Is this how love supposed to feel? I often asked myself. Cause it doesn’t seem like anything people talked about.
As I saw myself as is, I came to see issues in me that I need to fix, but at the same time learn to love as a part of who I am. I learn to see that I’m much more than the labels or boxes I put myself into. By learning to understand myself better, I feel that I’m capable to understand you better — thus hopefully love you better.
Does that make sense to you?
Maybe it doesn’t have to. This is how I feel.
Do you still remember when we first went out as a couple 6 years ago? We couldn’t really talk much to each other as we tried to awkwardly grasp what this relationship would be. Or when you wrote me a Tumblr post on our 6 month-together-ness,
“Where will we be at when as what by how?”, you once wrote.
Perhaps there are a lot of things changed in me and you ever since. And along with all of those changes in ourselves, the dynamics of our relationship altered as well.
I don’t think “Thank you’ will ever be enough to express how grateful I am to be here, with you, 6 years later. After all, how do you say thank you to someone who has made this harsh and chaotic life meaningful — despite its pointless-ness?
It’s also more than one month after your 28th birthday and I’m still failing to find a proper birthday present for you.
If I could give you one thing as a present, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then you would realize how I feel about you, and see how special you are to me.