7 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Searching for a Spouse

Undoubtedly, marriage is a very interesting topic for the youths. It excites that they pay little attention to details of the pre-marital sojourn. This has sadly resulted into increasing number of divorce and failed marriages. Once you get married, the conjugal realities set in faster than the blink of an eye. Most often, people unconsciously make mistakes when searching for a life partner because they are either too trusting or letting their guards down. So it’s important to take some critical steps and make sure you don’t make these mistakes when selecting for your future partner.

1. Failure to Get the Wali Involved:

From your initial communication to the final decision, you must ensure the would-be bride’s chaperone is involved in the process. The general consensus amongst the scholars is that there is no marriage without the presence of the guardian. This is exemplified from the sunnah of the Rasul SAW. The only exemption given is in the case of a divorced or widowed. In this situation, her decision stands sufficient for getting remarried.

2. Not Asking The Right Questions

Mutual love, respect and compatibility can only occur when you talk openly about the things that matter to both of you. Over and over again, we’ve seen brothers and sisters gloss over important details in the worry that they may “lose” the person in question. Subhan’Allah! Why start a marriage like this? From the let go, ask the right questions so it doesn’t cause problems later along the line. Most importantly, understand the creed and character of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

3. Negligence on the Istikhara

The Prophet (SAW) enjoined us to do solatul istikhara for every major decision in our life. Consulting with Allah SWT means you’re leaving your affairs in the Hands of the One who know it all. He alone can decide what is good for you and what is not. Having absolute faith in this methodology makes the outcome easy whichever way it swings. Ignoring Istikhara is a sure way to being on-your-own.

4. Ignoring Key Islamic Principles

Never compromise your deen for anything else. If you are someone practicing, then find your like or someone who will help you grow. It’s better to avoid the brother who is not comfortable with your hijab or the sister that says your beards make you look like an old man. People who say such things are most certainly gonna give you a hit when you get married. Yes, flattery may be funny before marriage, but in reality, it hurts when the knot is tied.

5. Acknowledging Bad Habits as Belittled

Know that if the person you’re considering for marriage indulges in fawaish, then it will be difficult for you to change them all of a sudden. One of the biggest mistake people make is accepting them in the hope they will change after marriage. They rarely do. And if someone is sincere in wanting to change, they do before marriage, not after. I know a sister who accepted a brother who doesn’t observe solat in hope that she will influence him positively. She later abandoned the marriage in less than a year.

6. Ignoring Signs The Person Isn’t Right For You

At some point during your communication, you might sense a feeling that “something is not quite right”. Don’t ignore these feelings especially when it’s sincere. Ask the right questions and raise your concerns with the person in question. If the response is not satisfactory and reassuring, it’s better to have a rethink.

7. Failing to Consult with Trustworthy Persons

It’s always very good to enquire about the person you want to marry from an ally who spends a lot of time with the individual. This has nothing to do with backbiting or spying. When I wanted to get married, I had two sisters in mind. Then I contacted a trustworthy sister who had lived with both of them and knew each individual’s character very well. After the consultation, I went with her recommendation in addendum to bashfulness and good manners which she affirmed. Alhamdulillah today, that was one of the best decisions I ever made in life. May Allah bless that sister wherever she is.