How Low Can You Go

This is for the slain rappers and the fallen rappers…

With the eagerly anticipated Pornhub and Coolio collaboration music video dropping recently, I figured I might as well write a little something about it, while other apparently more important things are happening that just don’t quite have the same amount of personal appeal for me to talk about.

Normally, I wouldn't go writing something about Coolio because it has personal appeal to me, but this music video just so happens to be released at a very appropriate, err, inappropriate time in pop culture news. While The Fappening is still having its residual effects on all of us, there’s also been the Cee-Lo rape trail that’s been going on and Green’s uninformed comments on non-consensual sex that have come out of it. Coincidentally, Coolio’s “Take It to the Hub” seems to be the cum that sticks it all together.

Now, it’s not really news that someone like Coolio would go making a song about fapping and releasing it through a vanity label called Pornhub Records, but regardless, it is relatively amusing and thus deserves to be reported. I think it’s been common knowledge for a while now that Coolio’s been a little strapped for cash, and if it’s not, then people could have just assumed such was the case.

According to Celebrity Net Worth, he only has like $100,000 to his name now, but who knows how much you can really take Celebrity Net Worth’s word for it? Even if they just straight up asked the people whose net worth they’re estimating, how can we be so sure that they’d answer truthfully? There’s no real incentive for them to answer truthfully. In fact, there might actually be good reason for someone to claim that they have less money than they really have, just to ward off freeloaders and such. Anyway, the point stands that Coolio probably has a lot less than he did when people actually listened to him. He’s basically middle class now — if that.

I’m assuming the estimated net worth accounts for everything he owns. Meaning his house, his Lexus he purchased back in ‘95 which is now what we call a whoopty, perhaps his platinum plaques and a guess as to how much those would sell for on Ebay. If worse came to worst, he could probably sell those plaques, or even his Grammy, for a decent amount of loot. I imagine it’d be at least enough to sustain for a couple months. To my knowledge, he hasn't done this yet, but would you be the least bit surprised if he did? If he does actually end up doing this someday, for the record, I called it first.

To much relief, before having to resort to selling all those prized possessions of his for just a couple dollars and a Happy Meal, Coolio came up with another come up. Either Pornhub called him up or he called up Pornhub and they struck a deal, which I guess consisted of him making one song and being in an accompanying music video to it.

As to be expected, the song sux balls, but I think the music video could give “Anaconda” a run for its money in the Best Music Video To Fap To On Mute category this year (though the appearance of Coolio could potentially mess up someone’s rhythm). I noticed if you watch the video with the song playing, it doesn't quite have the same effect as it does when it’s muted. It’s probably too comical to jack off to when the song’s playing, with old ass Coolio crooking shit like “don’t hesitate to grab that glove and take it to the hub porn.” Who the fuck uses a glove to masturbate? Michael Jackson? Anyway, one can’t be having that noise on when they’re wacking it. No one wants to hear jokes while they’re jacking off. Fapping is no laughing matter.

We can’t say that we didn't all saw this coming this a mile away. Coolio was always a pretty gimmicky rapper, with his most popular songs being shameless rip offs of old black people classics such as Lakeslide’s “Fantastic Voyage” and Stevie Wonder’s “Pastime Paradise” appropriated to commercially appeal to widespread white audiences. In his defense, that was just the way of the game back in the day. Everyone from MC Hammer to the Notorious B.I.G. got rich doing that shit. Though I must say that I find that Coolio leans slightly more towards the MC Hammer spectrum of things — which might actually be for the best. Better to be broke than dead as I always say.

Yet to be broke and not very well respected, might be a different story. Considering that Coolio’s most popular song was made for some silly movie about a white woman who lands a job in the ghetto on a mission to help black kids learn how to read, he was only really a hop, skip, and jump in the long run from making a song for Pornhub. I understand he had some pretty socially conscious songs, so perhaps I’m being a little hard on him, but even socially conscious rappers can be gimmicky and disingenuous. Not that I think Coolio’s intentions were bad, just his music comes off as bland to me.

It’s grating to listen to “Gangsta’s Paradise” now. Coolio’s flow is dull, they got a knock-off Cee-Lo Green singing the chorus, and the gospel choir in the background makes it all a bit too theatrical to be taken seriously, much less enjoyable to hear leisurely. No wonder it blew-the fuck-up.

Where did all his money go?!?

Where the money of any other immature black entertainer who happens to strike it rich all of a sudden goes! Paying for a bunch of unnecessary shit which could have been avoided — such as child support. Overall, just surrounding yourself with the wrong people and having poor business acumen will do it I guess. (I don’t think a full-fledged explanation as to how to lose a lot of money is necessary here.)

I bet you it was probably easier for Coolio to make his money than it was for him to keep it. On one hand, it’s pretty sweet that a black person can make a fortune off remaking music which hardly took any real talent on their part to make. But on the other hand, what good is that loophole for escaping poverty if they’re just gonna end up squandering most, if not all, of that fortune on nothing visibly worthwhile in the long term? See, this is why we can’t have nice things.

If for nothing else, Coolio serves as a perfect example as to what an entertainer doesn't want to end up as after their career has died down. He’s basically a lesser cautionary tale, in the mist of many others, of how it’s possible to go right back to square one after having “made it” if one isn't smart with their finances. Yet it seems with all these regrettable stories, there’ll probably still be those in the future who receive a good deal of (financial) success then eventually wind up having little to show for it.

All Coolio has to show for his success at this point seems to be his platinum plaques and Grammy. That’s why it was probably so important for him to get this gig with Pornhub, so he didn't have to pawn those off (not just yet anyway). People are known to do things they wouldn't normally do when they’re in some dire need of some money.

It’s difficult to say whether or not such is the case with Coolio. Because really, I think a good deal of men would be more than happy to star in a music video alongside a bunch of stripping, busty females free of charge, much less getting paid to do so. But given Coolio’s history, him making a song about fapping doesn't appear to be very characteristic of his style. In fact, a song solely dedicated to the act of fapping doesn't appear to be very characteristic of most rappers’ styles in general.

So one could probably fairly deduce that Coolio was stooping by making a song about fapping to Pornhub. Not that I find anything wrong with the act of fapping (on the contrary, quite the opposite), it’s just that writing entire songs about it is in poor taste. And it’s also very uninteresting. I’d rather hear rap songs about selling drugs or something than hear rap songs about shit I already know all about. Artistically, making songs about fapping is lowering yourself, unless you’re someone like Prince or MF DOOM who can get away with anything.

Meanwhile as Coolio is shown slapping fat porn actress ass with a water tube, Goodie Mob’s own Cee-Lo Green is getting berated for his alleged comments regarding non-consensual sex. I suppose people (read: black women) are concerned that Cee-Lo’s “It’s not rape if she’s not awake” motto will end up influencing today’s youth in a negative way. They’re also taken aback that an artist would promote one thing in his music and do something contrary to that thing in their real life.

Now, it’s justifiable that Cee-Lo be criticized for his comments and thus be corrected, but I think hip hop artists possibly persuading people to start raping women is the least of their worries. With Drake ostensibly being the most popular rapper right now, hip hop might be as far away as it’s ever been from predisposing males into wanting to take advantage of women. On top of this, Coolio’s new Pornhub music video might actually make perceptibly misogynistic images look uncool, just because how uncool he is at this point. I don’t know what your thoughts are, but I think things are looking up as far as this goes.