A Reimagining of Historical Events…Interpreted by Donald Trump

I am sure at some point during this election cycle, if that’s what we can call it, you have probably thought to yourself, “What would it be like to hear Donald Trump speak about something else other than politics at this point?”

Not to worry. Your wildest fantasies are about to come true. See, it’s not actually that difficult to imagine what this thin-haired magician of words would have to say about some of the most monumental moments in the history of the world. Whether they be filled with fascist rhetoric, or self-assurances that one’s hands and fingers are not actually as small as they are perceived, Donald Trump is a timeless figure who could give us the very best critical analysis of the changing world, no matter what the subject matter.

Close your eyes, sit back, and picture him as a beam of tiny-fingered light, drifting through time and smelling of outdated Armani cologne. Do you have your image? Have you set the mood? Good, let us begin:

The Aaron Burr vs. Alexander Hamilton Duel:

“That duel? Huge mistake, terrible. I would have never agreed to such a deal. Know-nothing Federalist Alex Hamilton honestly did a lot of really really bad things for this country, and I’m not condoning what happened, but you know, this is huge. I met Aaron Burr several times. Good guy, great. Really good guy, that one. I wrote a letter to Aaron after the duel, he was a big fan of mine. I said, Aaron look. These things happen, we gotta continue trying to make this country great. I think he means well. Do I think he shot him on purpose? I mean, we got a lot of problems in this country. Do I think he should go to jail? I would have to read more about it before I could say. I don’t know, I don’t know. I need to read more about it.”

The Secession of the Confederacy

“Jefferson Davis, good guy, real smart. I talked to Jeff the other day at my house. He’s a big fan of my clothing line. Really really tough guy. I mean, we need leaders in this country right now. We have a lot of really angry people in this country right now. We have an elected leader in office, not a good guy. Nice guy, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I know what kind of person we should have in office, and that guy doesn’t cut it. I have people telling me, people really high up in the military, that the Great Compromise, was a terrible deal. And look, I don’t make deals like that. If I were there, I promise you we would give them a helluva lot better deal. What would I do, specifically? In detail? Look, we have to turn this country around and what I’m hearing is that some of these people in the North are bad people, no good. Lyin Abe Lincoln has been making bad deals for years. I don’t make bad deals. That’s what we should do.”

The Colonization of the Americas

“I hear great things about the west, wonderful. Really good guy that Chris Columbus. That’s more of what Spain needs. I was one of the first people to support this plan. They used to write about me saying,”Oh, he’s no good, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” You know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to take them to court (never takes them to court) because they’re wrong. What do I know about colonization? Look, we got a lot of excited people in this nation who wanna see big things happen, huge! I talked to Chris the other day and he said I was the only one who knew how to get west. Tremendous guy that Chris. He’s already bought 5 of my ships. Trump ships are top of the line.”

The L.A. Riots

“Do I agree with what law enforcement did to that guy (Rodney King)? Look, I saw the video and I see these officers telling the guy to stay down and he’s not staying down. And I’m like you know you gotta listen to what these guys are saying. These cops I believe are good guys, really. Do I think what they did was wrong? Well look, I watched the video of this guy and he’s not staying down. Do I condone that? I do not condone that behavior, but if you look at the guy he’s clearly a bad guy. He’s on drugs, he’s loud. I tell you what, if I were there I would have been able to talk him down, I tell you. And you look around now, and we gotta lot of angry people in the streets, a lot of them very bad people. You know, people are telling me that there have been murders and people being shot. If this isn’t true, then why are all these police people coming to me personally telling me these things? These are bad people in the streets, thugs. I believe these officers are doing their best.”

Moses and the Israelites

“Look, we got this guy, he’s a bad guy. He’s leading these people, tons of people coming across the desert and we have no way of knowing anything about these people. Look, I know tons of Israelites, good friends. When I talk to them they agree with me that we need to shut our borders down till we can figure out who these people are. We have many many people coming over, they’re bringing spears and plagues. This Moses guy? Not a good guy, bad guy. If I got to deal with this guy, lemme just tell you it wouldn’t go well for him. I would tell this guy pack up his stuff and head back. This is a big problem, huge. We got a lot of great people in this land who want to see it do great things. This is a really terrible deal and I know it.”

Jesus Christ (with a bonus analysis from Marco Rubio)

Trump: “Look, all I’m saying is that this guy, we know nothing about him. I have people coming up to me all the time telling me how great I am for wanting to know where this guy is coming from. I have people telling me he wasn’t born here, good people. This guy is bad news, and if I was in front of him I would make him show me his birth certificate. I’ve got a lot of people in the Roman Empire telling me all the time, “Donald, we are really worried about this guy. What should we do?” They tell me how great my idea is, spectacular. That deal he made with the fish? Terrible deal, really really bad deal. That little of fish for everyone? Listen, I could make socialist Jesus Christ beg me for help if he had to deal with me. I’m telling you this guy, no good.”

Rubio: “Let us dispel with the notion that Jesus Christ has no idea what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.”