I’ve actually experienced this with genders reversed. Had a great first date with a girl, great second date with sex, and then never heard from her again. It sucked quite a bit and left me confused (and was my first experience with ghosting after a first date).
I only have that one data point, so I can’t say I completely understand, but I definitely relate. Personally, I prefer not to have a sexual agenda at all… spend time with a girl, in I like her, spend more time, and eventually, if it lasts and we’re both ready, have sex. I have a few ideas and theories here:
- I think culturally, men are told to be the pursuers. Go forth and conquer and all that jazz. It’s shit, but it’s how we’ve been raised, especially since the Boomers on. You are right, in that, when you’re a pursuer, pursuit is supposed to be challenging. If there’s no real challenge, there’s both no glory and no reason to stay. (I don’t agree with this, just teasing out the idea.)
- I think there’s a value thing there too. Sex in previous generations was seen as “making love", a sentimental act between two people who love, or at least are attracted to, each other. Our perception of that has changed in the past few decades, but our attitudes have not, so we’re caught in that transitional cognitive dissonance period. I’ve seen in several places people look down on people who are sentimental about sex. I think women are still culturally trained to be, while men are trained to give it short shrift… get in, get out, and get on.
- Sex is a bigger part of compatibility than we want to admit. I wonder if some small percentage (likely not the majority) of these instances are one person not finding the compatibility in the sex? Even if that’s the case, it seems to me that the proper thing to do is communicate about it (use your words), but that’s confrontation and hard, so many people don’t do it.
- It could also be that, in some cases, sex muddies the waters. It’s bio-engineered to bond people. When that happens, some people could get what they perceive are false feelings, and in fear, break off contact instead of exploring and communicating in that.
These are just raw thoughts. Feel free to discuss.
