People often mistake domineering personalities as strong. They can be, but often it’s the opposite.

Sometimes it’s frighteningly the opposite if their doggedness masks an inability to cope with differences.

When someone disagrees with them — it’s a war.

Domineering personalities are not afraid to express a view — that part is refreshing. What is less refreshing is to watch them unyieldingly hammer it into anyone who does not agree until the other person either caves in or shuts down.

They are not interesting in listening, nuance or the conversational part of having a discussion. They have a single goal — emerging triumphant at the other end.

It doesn’t matter if they take an opposite view the next week. It’s about winning, not logic.

These personalities play the wo/man and not the ball.

Someone who disagrees with them is not just wrong they’re ‘an idiot’ (put in their preferred insult).

There’s no give, no concession that someone might have an insight they don’t or even just a different way into the problem.

Understanding them is quite simple — they believe:

1. There is a right answer.
2. They have it.

There’s a phase like this that children go through around two years old.

Their understanding outweighs their ability to express it and for that and other reasons when they don’t get what they want they throw tantrums.

It’s a testing time.

We’re in the supermarket, they want a toy, we say no and they throw themselves on the floor, kicking and screaming. The personal discomfort we feel combined with the censure of glaring, tongue-clicking passers by can tempt us to give in. If we do then the child learns that if they yell loudly enough they will get what they want. No one wins.

I can think of some world leaders who act like this but we see mini-dictators in every area of life from the Boardroom to the family home.

Somehow, their self-identity is so bound up in being ‘right’ that they are prepared to do anything, including harming others, to maintain it.

We can’t do anything about that, they have to identify it as a problem and actively manage it themselves.

What we can do is to strip ourselves of the misconception that this is strength.

Because many people prefer to make the peace rather than tackle conflict (even when they need to) these strong personalities can stand out in bright relief when we first meet them.

But over time, a different reality emerges.

They don’t know how to sit down and nut out a really difficult issue. To put something on the table and say — “this is what you think — this is what I think — they are in conflict — let’s look each other in the eyes and talk about it”.

They either explode, or refuse to deal with it.

Let me say this — it is easy to slam doors, or shout, or fling insults at people. It’s easy.

It’s easy to create conflict, it’s easy to avoid conflict, but it’s hard to deal with it. But since it’s an inevitable part of life, we need to develop those skills.

They remind me of those kids who have confused their ability to get what they want by making others’ uncomfortable, with strength.

That’s not strength.

Sometimes a strong personality leverages off the back of a position of power — for example in the corporate world — where their position is the vehicle through which attacks are packaged as ‘legitimate’.

A lot has been written about corporate psychopaths who operate in this way.

But any situation can be turned into a power struggle if you create a pecking order. It’s classic kick the dog. If you need to put someone else down in order to feel good about who you are then you will create that hierarchy.

Strong personalities appear direct but rarely are.

· They talk at people, not to them.

· They talk through others, rather than to the person in question.

They don’t ask you what you think, they tell you why you are wrong. “Only an idiot would believe that.”

Instead of dealing with a conflict directly they will package it up as if it comes from the outside. This helps create alliances. “Your team seem to be unhappy…” or “so and so says and I don’t agree but you should know that…” or “your dad/mum wants me to raise this issue you know what wo/men are like but…” they say, distancing themselves from the bad news so that can stick it to you and stay mates at the same time.

Is this strength? (#justsaying)

Strength is complex sometimes difficult to practice.

1. A strong person will challenge unacceptable behaviour even though it’s uncomfortable and they would rather not and they know there will be no reward for doing so.
2. A strong person also knows when to lie flat like grass to weather the storm. They know it’s better to bend than to break. We call this ’knowing which hill to fight on’.
3. A strong person finds the internal discipline not to erupt when they would like nothing better than to shriek like a harpy or frighten others into submission through their rage. They understand the trade off between short-term release and long-term relationship.
4. A strong person knows life is not the high notes or the low notes but the accumulated interactions of daily life. Like everyone they get angry — but not all the time and when they do — they try express it directly. This takes ongoing work.
5. A strong person can say — *You have a point
   * I didn’t know that *You know I was wrong when I said *I am not sure I agree with you *I agree with you there

These are behaviours not attributes, which means we can choose to use them.

Strength is not about personality it’s about practice. And it is also a practice.

This was first published on Be Your Whole Self, you can reach me there or @dionnelew or on Google+.