How to Sleep Your Way to the Top When You’re an Introvert

You should be watching When Harry Met Sally right now

Don’t let your Meyer’s Briggs results keep you from reaching your real potential. Sure, you could keep buying that lie that you can work your way to the top, Lean In and such. Lean in for a blowjob maybe, amirite? In order to get to the top of the company you have to sit on a few casting couches, but those of us who are introverts struggle with the task of tolerating people enough to bring them to orgasm. Don’t worry. You can still get them off and yourself into a cushy position with an excellent salary. Maybe even health insurance! Dream big!

1. Pretend They Aren’t There

When dealing with powerful people who you must fuck into submission, try to think of things that will calm your mind. Wide open spaces with no one in them. Or a meteor killing everyone on Earth but you. Think of the Pixar movie Wall E ; sure the ending was sad when all those people showed up and ruined that poor robot’s fucking peace and quiet, but the early part was happy wasn’t it? When he was just hanging out on the planet by himself? Take yourself there whenever you’re obligated to sleep with yet another biotech industry CEO who doesn’t believe in cunnilingus and who wants to discuss Linux operating systems.

2. Hide

Spend as much time in the bathroom as possible. Go to fix your make up as often as possible. Drink constantly so your bladder is never empty. Maybe have your mother call halfway through the night so that you can dash into the sanctum and cry for an hour. Do anything you can to get time to yourself.

3. Never spend the night.

Are you kidding? You actually want to cuddle with these assholes? You’ll never get promoted behaving like that. Leave them wanting more and never give them an opportunity to call you clingy. You’re a fearless, heartless, glamour tiger who can never be tamed and who wants to be home, in bed, alone, watching Golden Girls on her iPad like all fearless, heartless, glamour tigers.

4. Tear their heads off during sex like a praying mantis.

Don’t get caught. Have them change their wills first.

5. Do all of the talking so it’s like they aren’t there at all.

Never let them get a word in edgewise. Sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic over their incessant noises of ecstasy. When they want to have pillow talk, take the time to rundown your business plans and your philosophies on synergy.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that this is temporary. Like all trials and struggles, this too shall pass. As soon as you can buy and sell these fuckers you will have all the time to yourself that you need. You can get on to important things like going to movies alone, cooking for one, and not having anyone comment on how you polished off that bottle of wine yourself. Your time will be yours and yours alone and you will run that company like the Empress you motherfucking are. But first, you have to tolerate Brad and his crab dip breath long enough to break into your rightful place in management.

If you like my work please support my Patreon. You can also hop over to my website if you want to read more of my stuff. If you are going to tell me how feminism is a system of oppression or erasure against men, you should be aware that I have a rare medical condition that when you do that I hear a loud, blaring foghorn. I probably should see a doctor.