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How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones

photo from the modern man dot com which is as abhorrent as you can imagine

A helpful companion to How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones

It happens to all of us. You see a woman wearing headphones and it dawns on you “she isn’t paying attention to me.” You make a frownie face because that is just not okay. I get it, men, I really do. You walk past her again. Nope. Nothing. You wave at her. She doesn’t smile. She doesn’t make eye contact. Now she’s turning away. This cannot stand. This is not how the story goes. This is not the romantic comedy you were promised. Clearly you must know everything about her and she should give you her attention and time. Hey, you’ll pay for coffee. You’re not a total monster. But she needs to get with the damn program. Here you are, standing before her, waiting for her to fall at your feet and she is still upright and not worshiping you.

Fear not, friends. I can help. Let’s get you two crazy kids together because clearly you are an excellent match for her and she needs to understand that she lives to please you.

What to Do to Get Her Attention

  1. Stand across the street from her. At least 30 yards. Face away from her. Make her come to you. Play hard to get.
  2. Light yourself on fire. Your screams should get her notice.
  3. If she hasn’t looked at you by now, start running through all the jigs you know.
  4. If she looks at you, point to your ears and mouth “I’m a fucking asshat”

Most women will understand this and keep walking. If this happens, good job! You have technically spoken to her. Now go home and never ever leave your house again. Die alone.

What to Say When She Takes Off Her Headphones

You: [smiles warmly in a way that women immediately recognize as an expectant social transaction] hey it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones but I don’t reaaaaaally consider you a person so eh, what’s the harm. I’m Dan, what’s your name?

Her: Scylla

You: Scylla? Oh, that’s a pretty name. Would you like to get some coffee-

Her: [eats you and strews your entrails into the street where raccoons eat them]

Don’t talk to women when they have headphones on. It makes you a rude piece of shit that violates nonverbal cues and ignores body language to exert power over a woman in the hopes of bullying her into spending time with you or having sex with you. When you do things like this you make the world more unsafe for women.Leave her the fuck alone. It is not her job to love you. It’s not her job to entertain you. It’s not her job to have sex with you. It IS your job to leave her be and let her get on with her goddamn day.