Maybe Brexit is Just Romantic Comedy Performance Art

For those of you thinking Brexit is some sort of new breakfast food a la “cronut” Britain voted to leave the European Union, tanked the pound, and flights have never been cheaper. At first I was alarmed. It seemed so unlike Britain to pull America-esque foolishness with their economy and international relations but then I realized what was happening: Britain and the European Union are just the leads in a romantic comedy.

Like any romantic comedy, it’s important to fill the plot gaps with a great soundtrack so while I coordinate how to get the parents back together again and show them that love really is all around, I’ve created a fantastic reconciliation soundtrack that Britain can play while holding a boom box over its head.

I Want You Back — The Jackson 5

Let’s open with the sweet earnestness of a young Michael Jackson begging to get back to the European Union’s heart. The EU has been scorned by Britain and Britain is gonna need to grovel to get them to listen. I can’t blame the EU. The EU has pride, dammit. The choices Britain made are really sinking in and doubt is beginning to form like sweat on the bald spot of Parliament.

With or Without You — U2

The EU and Britain had their tough moments and who better to sum up the ups and downs of hot passionate love like Bono and the Edge. In the film we’ll have the Edge be the local store cashier who coordinates their meet cute and Bono will be a bus driver who affirms Britain that the EU still believes in love and to go get ’em, champ. We have required Bono say “champ” in the contract.

Ho Hey — The Lumineers

Britain is faced with the crushing reality that they took the EU for granted and their own flaws, pride, and self-centeredness cost them more than they imagined. As Britain takes a long, sad, rain filled walk by itself down a damp London street, flashes of baguettes, Italian wine, and a decent pound to dollar exchange rate flash in its head, tallying up everything it has lost.

Wonderful Tonight — Eric Clapton

Britain has decided that it cannot go on like this. It misses EU too much. It misses its smile, its laugh, its access to easy international travel, and it reaches out, sending EU a text, “u free to talk?” The chorus kicks in just as the three dots of reply show up on Britain’s phone.

The Letter — the Box Tops

EU has replied!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! We didn’t even need to Parent Trap this! EU has sent Britain a text saying it is open to having coffee and talking things through. Britain hops on the bus and sees its favorite bus driver Bono and he’s all “Get ’em, champ” and Britain is like “THANKS BONO, I WILL! MY BABY JUST WROTE ME A LETTER!”

She’s Gone — Hall and Oates

We should have known it wasn’t that easy. EU is still pretty mad at Britain and coffee doesn’t go so great. Britain just assumed EU would hastily take Britain back instead of having to earn EU’s trust. Tsk tsk, Britain. EU left frustrated and hurt and Britain just shut down like every leading man. This is going to be trickier than we thought, everyone. Time to call in the big guns. CUE KATHERINE HEIGL!

Hello — Adele

THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS. WE JUST SLAPPED YOU WITH ADELE. Sure, it’s a little on the nose but things are getting a little tense. Britain needs to bare its soul to show EU that it has one and that it can be a better partner. Britain has a reputation for loving, colonizing, and leaving hearts and if it wants to have the comfort and support of EU it has to show EU it’s grown up.

Maps — Yeah Yeah Yeahs

EU is more torn up about Britain’s actions. It’s been drinking chardonnay with its girlfriends and got a life coach and is beginning their Year of Me but they are crushed. Britain did what Britain had done before — broke hearts. EU feels foolish but misses Britain so much. EU cries itself to sleep and avoids Britain’s calls. If only Britain knew that no one loves them like EU loves them.

We Belong Together — Mariah Carey

Britain has started group therapy in order to better itself for EU and EU is impressed but hesitant. EU does believe that Britain is their soulmate but is struggling to keep the faith. EU’s mother is telling them to not take Britain back. EU’s BFF never liked Britain anyway. EU looks out its apartment window and sighs.

It Must Have Been Love — Roxette

EU gets a montage of shopping, taking long bubble baths, and focusing on what it really wants from love. EU thinks that maybe what it had with Britain was real and that EU should be proud to have given so much to something. But also EU wants Britain to fall in a hole. So many feelings. One of them has to be love. EU is convinced there is no way to fix what is broken.

Right Here Waiting — Richard Marx

Britain is feeling sorry for itself. It has put in a dollop of effort and doesn’t understand why EU didn’t come running back into Britain’s arms. Britain doesn’t understand how it all got so messed up. We all understand how it got all messed up. Audience yells answer at Britain. Britain doesn’t hear.

Back to December — Taylor Swift

We gotta get the youth to see this movie and Taylor Swift is their pied piper. Britain is now completely bare and open, realizing it was wrong from the start. Britain buys some beer at local bodega and the Edge says, “You look troubled.” A long scene where the Edge and Britain have beers and discuss the importance of legacy and living honestly. The Edge looks at Britain and says “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. Have you?” Britain says, “Yes but I let it go.” The Edge says gently, “That was a really fucking foolish thing to do.”

Need You Now — Lady Antebellum

EU has reached its breaking point and gets drunk and calls Britain. Resolve is breaking and we are one step closer to a big finish! Britain is still drunk with the Edge when its phone lights up. “EU is calling.” Britain is aghast. “Well, what are you waiting for, champ?” The Edge says as a throwback to Bono. “Are you and that bus driver the same person?” Britain asks. “Just go make up with EU.” Edge is a little over the long days of shooting and would like to go back to making music.

I Miss You — Blink 182

Britain rushes to see EU, this song plays as Britain approaches EU’s flat. You’re already the voice inside Britain’s head, EU. You belong together. You both can be better! You can trust each other! You can work it through! Bono and the Edge are on your side! Britain shows up at EU’s door and they share a teary, drunken, passionate kiss with tongue and some butt grabbing and the audience cheers.

Let’s Stay Together — Al Green

And roll credits.