Reasons I Unmatched You on Tinder

Swiped right while drinking

Changed content of your profile to include “likes electronic dance music”


Swiped right because of dog

Thought you were your friend and thought it bad form to message you to ask if you could introduce us

Mentioned Christian Grey without a barfing emoji to follow

White person in a headdress

Hates feminists

Ranked New Jersey over California

Blank profile box

Haven’t messaged me in 6 months and 430 matches later finally clearing you out

Don’t trust anyone with only two pictures

5346 miles away

Quotes Casablanca and none of the good quotes

Swiped right when I thought they were 29 but bio says actually 18

Too into pot

Has kid

Only swiped right to tell you how wrong you are about everything

Already dated a 23 year old this year THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Keeps liking my moments but doesn’t bother to talk to me

Messaged you and you never replied

Messaged you with a great pick up line and you never replied

Messaged me and I never replied

Gave you my number and want to unmatch before you see it and actually make me go through with this

White person with dreadlocks

15 miles away. Like where do you live? San Leandro? Daly City? Forget it

Called it San Franscisky

Only wears polo shirts

Too many guys in your pictures and have no idea who you are


Sports AND Star Wars? No, you have to pick one, jerk

Tried to bully me into sending you boob pictures


“Only in town for two days”

“Check out my blog”

“Here to promote my artwork”

Beer advertisement that I swiped right on because I got confused

Don’t really believe you founded a start up

Looks like someone who would make me go outside a lot and I really don’t think I like adventures that much

Don’t understand why you’re on tinder to make friends but good luck with that

“Cunning Linguist” don’t steal my jokes, pal

Ron Swanson quotes

“Aspiring Anthony Bourdain”

Profile too long and got bored

Dick joke that wasn’t even funny

Mentions sarcasm but unless you can give me Bogie and Bacall-esque banter I really don’t want to deal with it

Dated you and never want to hear from you again

No reason

Lauren Parker is a writer based in Oakland. A harbinger of chaos, she spends most of her time hunched over her computer working on podcasts for the Your Nerd is Showing Media Network and writing her novel. She has written for the Toast, the Tusk, Ravishly, Main Street Rag, Harlot Magazine, and plain china. You can follow her on twitter @laurenink and online at

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