Village de la Drosophile — A Retirement Home for Fag Hags
As the most fabulous generation approaches retirement, it’s important to provide a little zest for grown women that have a lot of personality. At the Village de la Drosophile, our staff have created the ideal location for you to spend your last days. Village de la Drosophile is an elite, exclusive, over-55 community designed for vibrant women looking for, shall we say, joyful best friends to vogue with until you shuffle off the mortal coil. Not that you’re old! Divas never truly age, they just mature like fine wine.
Nestled in the armpit of Palm Springs, our late-in-lifestyle association has been developed and curated to give women of a certain age who love men of a certain orientation a place to call home.
A storied history!
Village de la Drosophile was built in 1974 by Joan Rivers. She would send her hairdressers when they got too old to give her a perm so that they would have a place to run free and be happy. It was purchased by Liza Minnelli in 1996 and used as a vacation home with her husband, David, before she turned it into its current form — a haven for women who love cosmopolitans, discussing fashion, praising their hairdressers, and never mentioning AIDS.
A Home so Fabulous, You’ll Never Have to Harass Men in Dupont Circle Ever Again!
The grounds of Village de la Drosophile have the sort of sprawling safety of the suburbs with a crafted convenience of a large, bustling city. You can be the city slicker or country girl of your dreams with our various options. Dogs are welcome, but only if they are contained within a purse (Juicy Couture or better, please) and wear one of the four approved rhinestone collars.
Accommodations vary based on your needs and desires.
The Patti Lupone suites include a hot tub, a white wine bar that’s stocked every week, and an entertainment system featuring every Real Housewives franchise ever made.
The Bette Midler annex is available to our VIPs, and offers access to an around-the-clock masseuse named Reggie who specializes in deep tissue and g-spot massage. (Reggie is the only straight man allowed on the grounds.)
The Dolly Parton Veranda will put some hitch in your giddyup, and features a personal karaoke machine that only play covers of “I Will Always Love You” in the key of your choice. Twice daily, a sleek bartender named Harvey, wearing only chaps and robust chest hair, will mix you complicated whiskey cocktails or mojitos depending on the season and your dietary preferences.
For the diva on a budget, we have the Lady Gaga line of housing. These apartments come with roommates, but are pool adjacent and are perfect for sorority girls.
For the Active Senior for Whom Age is Just a Number!
Village de la Drosophile has everything a party gurrrrrrl like you needs! Dance all night at our Forever 21 nightclub where every Friday is Madonna night, and Monday through Thursday is karaoke. Who needs a man when you can get the respite care of fashionable men who bone other men to tell you how fierce you are? You’ll be able to party like it’s 1999! Which is the last time it was remotely acceptable to declare “where my gays at?!”
For residents who haven’t found their Stanford Blatch, we’ve developed Andy, an animatronic twink with a lisp and blond highlights. Andy serves all the important Gay Best Friend requirements: calling you a slut but in a loving way, telling you what’s working your outfit, and assuring you that you don’t need a man. Andy is known for being an amazing listener, always taking your side, and thinking you butt looks great in that. But unlike a real Gay Best Friend, he’ll never find a man, settle down, have a gayby, and leave you all alone. No, Andy will be yours for all eternity, living in the closet of your condo and focusing on getting into all sorts of hijinks with you! Because who needs a relationship when you two can have sleepovers and make out when you’re drunk?
Live out your Sex and the City shopping dreams at our downtown boutiques that specialize in leopard print, Louboutins, and luxury bath bombs. Get your FIERCE manicure done at Middle Finger Salon (we’re running a special on the YASS KWEEN French Tips), and indulge at a facial at Money Shot. Enjoy a night out with other sassy ladies, and on Wednesdays have only dick-shaped food. And since our community is designed for the noble women who believe that love is love, we have weekly PRIDE parades that you can participate in. Throw confetti, ride on floats, and shake your money-maker in the poledance-off. PRIDE includes simulated protests featuring hired actors who exclusively wear corduroy jumpers (so last century, amirite?), a march through our downtown square (built to look like the Castro), and a medal ceremony for the best ally of the week. Get the recognition you deserve and win a tiara and sash, plus unlimited shots at our premier bar PVRSES where the signature shot is the blowjob, because you’re so naughty/worth it. Village de la Drosophile is about giving thanks for the women that gay men went to prom with. Without you, they would’ve been nothing. NOTHING, do you hear me?! Who would have taught them that gold lamé is timeless? We were going to raise children together, Christopher! We promised each other in high school!
We have onsite therapy available for all those trying to work through their relationship with their mothers. It’s okay that you’re perpetually single and couldn’t make a relationship work! Get your groove back with our dating service with our brother community Casa de Ricco Stronzo. De la Drosophile holds mixers and speed dating nights so that you can find the Ricco Stronzo of your dreams, and continue to shatter your self esteem. You aren’t pursuing unavailable men, not this year, Samantha! *gay snap*
Now Accepting Applications!
Retreat to a magical oasis where reacting with disgust at homophobes qualifies as activism, and no one will call you out for identifying as a “social liberal, fiscal conservative.” You’ll get to remain the fabulous activist you were before gay marriage passed. Our campus is miles and miles away from anyone, meaning you won’t have to deal with those callous haters or those Tumblr teenagers who get so angry when you call them with the wrong pronoun. They clearly don’t appreciate all of your good work.
Call today to take a tour and become the Drosophile that people know and love!