This is day two of me feeling like a ball is going to drop. I am so furious my insides are churning.
For the past 4 months I have been planning decorations, buying and making things for a graduation celebration I just found out yesterday morning I do not have to decorate. The graduate chose to have someone else do the decorations behind my back. The kicker? The event is tomorrow.
I really don’t know how to say the way I feel about this situation because there are so many feelings to be described. And the more I try to be mature the angrier I get. There is this rage inside me about this because I have never felt this betrayed. This was my family! Blood that runs through my veins not only betrayed and used me, but she didn’t even have the decency to contact me to tell me despite it having been suggested to her twice. This is a blatant disregard for my time, money and sacrifice. I martyred myself for this “project” never anticipating this level of betrayal would come.
And I am starting to wonder is it me? Am I the reason the people get away with disrespecting me? Could I be the common factor in all the wrongful acts against me? The only logical answer is yes.
I was too nice. Working like a dog, racking my brain, scrimping and scrapping for others when I don’t do the same for myself. Giving up on my happiness for that of someone else. The issue is internal. The defect is in me.
I value people, family, friendships too much. Hold too many up to an esteem they are not worthy to have. It is all in the name of love. My love is deep, wide, long, and decadent. My love spoils others , but my love for myself is self-deprecating, self-sacrificing, and belittling. I give until I have no more for me. I expect nothing in return, yet I seem to always manage to get grief and hurt. Nobody finds value in the things I give.
But this?! Oh, this is the hair that broke this camel’s back. This is the ultimate put down. The most disrespectful, tasteless, unforgivable wrong to me. I’m tired of working mercilessly for nothing. Accommodating in spite of my own needs, desires, wants. Getting stepped on, talked about, and mistreated. No amounts of salve could fix this. There is no healing for this. I’m done.