Game of Thrones Premiere Schmocap: The GoT is Back!

The seventh season of Game of Thrones officially kicked off on Sunday night which means life as we know it is no longer a miserable waiting game. Before we get started, I came across some “Who will sit on the Iron Throne at the end of Season 7?” sportsbook odds that I would like to share:

First things first, 100% spot on Mr. Bolen. No respect for the Gillmeister — Game of Thrones Leisceter City if you will. Chalkboard material right here for the Gillster to run **** this season. 1000–1 odds is hard to pass up.

For the actual better bets, Khaleesi at +260 stands out cuz she’s hot and awesome. Lyanna Mormont is a boss, gimme some 30–1 on that. Gendry at 18–1? Haven’t seen him since like Season 3, but gimme some action on that one. Tyrion at 9–1? Why not?

Who I won’t be betting on? Uncle Benjen Stark at 1000–1. **** that guy. Complete delinquent. Wanders around the North for like five seasons without letting anybody know he’s still alive and then just randomly shows up to save Bran and take him to the carnival like Will Smith’s dad in that one Fresh Prince episode.

Let’s get to the episode.

We start with trying to fit like a season’s worth of Game of Thrones into a three-minute recap which makes me realize that I was blissfully unaware of what the hell was going on.

House Raider

Walder Davis, owner of House Raider, gives a toast to all of his men which confuses me because I swore Arya killed this dude last season. He’s going on about how House Raider is being re-located from Oakland to Las Vegas when all of the Raiders start choking on the wine they are drinking (except for the rookies because Walder Davis doesn’t waste good wine on rookies). Turns out that Arya just put Walder’s face on and assassinated the entire roster. Probably should have seen that coming. If you had the under “opening credits” for the first death(s) of the season then congratulations are in order. It’s a strong MVP statement from Arya Westbrook right out of the gate and bonus points should be awarded in GoT fantasy leagues for some shrewd salary cap management.

The North

Three-Eyed Baltimore Raven Bran Flacco shows up at the Castle Black gate in his stroller with his friend Ed Reed. Ed Reed proclaims that Bran Flacco is in fact elite, but Jon Snow’s friend questions that. Bran explains how he beat Lord Kaepernick in that Super Bowl that one time to try to prove his eliteness. Even though he still seems quite skeptical, Snow’s friend lets them inside.

After this, Jon Snow addresses his new roster about his plan to defend themselves against the White Walkers. Sansa and Jon quibble a bit over what should be done with the treasonous teams that sided with Ramsay Football and the Cleveland Browns. Snow doesn’t think they should be punished for the decisions made by a couple douchebags, but Sansa questions that. Snow isn’t too happy about her questioning his authority, and then a raven shows up with an invitation to Jon and Sansa to attend Giselle Lannister’s slumber party in the South. Thoughtful gesture.

King’s Landing

Giselle and Brady Lannister talk about all of their kids being dead and how everybody in the league hates them for all of the DeflateGate bull****. Rather conveniently, that Greyjoy cat shows up dressed like some sort of pirate hipster with 1,000 ships. Greyjoy straight up just proposes that he and Cersei get married which is a rather ambitious effort. Shooters gonna shoot. Giselle and Brady don’t trust hipsters so Giselle declines his proposal and Greyjoy heads off to earn her trust.

Maester School

Samwell is getting his MBA from Maester school and his internship really blows. However, Samwell is intrigued by this restricted area reserved for graduates of the MBA program and asks Arch Maester Tom Coughlin for access to it because he’s actually seen the White Walkers. Arch Maester Coughlin actually believes Samwell, and then they start talking about “north of the Twins” and “south of the Twins” which seems to be a strange time to be talking about baseball, but I digress.

Arya Westbrook

Arya Westbrook is traveling in the forest after decimating the Raiders’ roster when she comes across some Warriors fans singing. Well, **** me sideways, it’s Ed Sheeran! Can we get him as a write-in on the Iron Thrones odds? Not much happens, except Arya Westbrook tells them she’s going to Golden State to kill Kevin Durant and they all laugh.

Somewhere Snowy

The Hound is chilling with Mr. Eye Patch and some dude with a trendy man-bun. They go in some house with two skeletons and look at some fire. Hound ends up burying the skeletons because I guess he knew them. If you want more elaboration on this then read an actual Game of Thrones recap because I have no idea what’s going on.

Maester School

Sam’s got his book that he wanted now and Gilly “Money” Mayweather has learned to read a little bit so watch out 1000–1 odds! Sam discovers a map of Dragonstone and says that Jon needs to know about it because the dragonglass that kills White Walkers is there.


Finally we get to Khaleesi who is looking hot as ****, and she’s got ships now too. The premiere episode ends with Khaleesi and her squad walking around Dragonstone and only three simple words from Khaleesi, “Shall we begin?”

Outside of the first five minutes and Ed Sheeran, this was a very boring episode. I did not particularly enjoy that I didn’t know what was going on for large stretches. It should be noted that this is 100% my fault for not paying attention in previous seasons. That’s all I have to say about that. Just to be clear, I am ecstatic Game of Thrones is back and this season will be ******* awesome. #GillyForTheThrone

Divac’s Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Flops

Episode MVP: Arya Westbrook

Honorable Mention: Ed Sheeran