Signs You Are Using Substances to Dull Your Divorce Pain and How to Stop (by: Patty Blue Hayes) Original link

For those of us who were left behind in a divorce there can be an overwhelming amount of pain. It’s human nature to avoid pain and seek pleasure but what starts out as a happy hour after work with girlfriends can often devolve into the desperate hour of inebriation, attention seeking and regret the next morning.

At best, you’ll struggle with a hangover served with a twist of shame and a splash of self-loathing. At worst, you’ll wake to an unfamiliar face on the pillow next to you.

I know this concoction all too well. I used alcohol to numb my pain from hurtful things said before the marriage ended and then my consumption increased after the quick exit he made from our 17 years together.

I think we all know when we are using substances to escape from our emotions and the common ways we justify or rationalize our behavior, but here are a few examples to consider:

• If I say, I need a drink (or other substance), that’s a good indication I’m trying to avoid feeling something.
• Repeatedly failing at attempts to only have 2 drinks (pills), or only drink on weekends.
• Having a glass of wine alone, justifying, well, I’m alone now , only to finish the bottle and even consider opening a second.
• Finding strangers. Yes, in the morning, next to you.
• Using any number of excuses like, I didn’t eat, I was coming down with a cold, I never drink tequila, I shouldn’t have mixed, it affected me more because I lost weight, I’m taking an antibiotic, it’s my hormones, the stress made it worse.

First thing to do if you see yourself in any of those behaviors; don’t judge, blame or criticize yourself. You’re dealing with enough stress and likely may not be getting the support you need. The last thing you want is to be your own enemy.

But do make awareness your friend. Allow the wise inner self to speak up and let you know this is a problem. Be willing to follow the guidance from that intuitive self.

Here are some things to consider if it’s time to break the substance abuse habit.

- The first is obviously abstinence with support . In hindsight, it would have been smart for me to choose this option but I wasn’t prepared to part with the booze.

If you are willing to quit an addictive substance you know is causing problems, consider a short-term stay in a holistic treatment program to tend to your body, mind and spirit.

- Attend support groups, 12 step or otherwise. Work with a therapist who has experience in treating substance abuse. There are also free online support groups and forums where you chat with other people going through the same thing. The DivorceForce Community is one such place to engage with others that have been where you are.

Find a friend or accountability partner to help keep you on track with your goal of quitting or decreasing the substance use.

- Create a nurturing self-care plan for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Come up with a go-to list of at least 15 things to do for each aspect of your life. Post this in a visible location and do a few each day.

- Learn techniques on how to cope with uncomfortable emotions. This will likely include mindfulness, breathing techniques and meditation.

- List the triggers that cause the pain. Phone calls from the ex? Too many nights home alone? The friend who’s an energy vampire?

Create the alternative action plan for each trigger. For example:

When I see that my ex is calling, instead of answering and swirling down the emotional drain, I will let it go to voicemail, take 5 deep breaths and call Jane.

When Dave asks to grab a beer, instead of struggling with the temptation to drink with him , I will ask him to play basketball.

- We can do healthy activities to release the ‘feel good’ chemicals like dopamine that flood the brain when we have an addiction to a seemingly pleasurable substance or activity. Taking a class, learning a new skill and accomplishing a task all produce dopamine in the brain and won’t leave your body feeling hollow from toxins.

Set yourself up for success by creating the supportive environment for your objective. Keep track of the progress and give yourself healthy rewards when you reach your goals.

Most importantly, do not be hard on yourself if you take a few back steps. Boost up on reinforcing the support you need to succeed, reevaluate your action plan to determine if another option might be a better choice and keep moving forward.

We don’t become dependent on substances overnight, so be patient with yourself as you discover the pain points that led you to numb out and then develop the coping skills and healthy habits you need to build your strength.

Patty Blue Hayes is an award winning author of Wine, Sex and Suicide — My Near Death Divorce and the creator of You Can Heal Your Heartbreak , an audio program based on her book, My Heart is Broken. Now What? Her life coaching helps people rediscover themselves after divorce. Connect with her at www.pattybluehayes.com