Day 109: Loss of Faith #365DaysOfWriting

I’ve always been a meticulous planner, though that may not come across to many people. A few years ago, I could have bragged and said that I have my whole life figured out. Unfortunately, I can’t say that anymore, and that sucks!

Life is full of surprises and while I always keep the room for something unexpected to come up open, this is the first time in my life that I can’t imagine how different my life would be a week from the present, forget about a month or a year.

I’ve never had issues with being spontaneous but somewhere along the way, I think I’ve lost faith. Previously, if I didn’t know where I was headed, I still remained patient because in my heart, I always believed that I am only destined for good things — nothing bad can ever come my way. This is, probably, the first time in my life when I don’t believe that anymore, and the realization of that makes my life a scary place to be!

I still have goals, and I try chasing after them, but somewhere, the fear is there that it is all worth nothing. I really really wish I had a time-turner to check if I am putting my effort and faith in things and people that matter. I wish I still believed I was, but then the monsters of doubt keep showing up.

I can’t believe I am losing hope. I wasn’t that sort of a person, and I don’t know why I am becoming this cynical a person. I am not liking this version of me, and I don’t want to accept this version of me — I wish I could go back to being the hopeful, eternal optimist that people made fun of for strongly viewing life through rose-tinted glasses. In the end, it seems as if the ultimate joke is going to be on me…