Brutally Honest

This is something I wanted to get off my chest for a long time. Ever since my Sophomore year of high school was when I wanted to tell the world around me about myself. I know that those who will be reading this such as my friends, or family members will probably view me in a different way than they do now. I fully understand that what i’m about to say is going to give me strange looks, rumors, and whatnot but I am more than ready to speak about this. Friends the truth is I am depressed and feel like an outcast. Now I will explain my story to you all.

Starting from sophomore year I was enjoying high school. I had good grades, awesome teachers, and I was still hanging out with my friends from middle school. Throughout my sophomore year I was active in a variety of clubs that have changed my life ever since, such as Interact. I honestly felt that everything was going the way I had imagined it, until late April to Early May was when I started to noticing things. I started to notice that I didn’t really “put” myself out “there”. What I mean by this is, I didn’t really feel as if I was one of the “Cool kids”. I felt as if I was just someone who was kinda just there in the moment. When my sophomore year came to an end I somewhat tried to ignore those ugly thoughts and just live out my happy usual life.

Now came Junior year. This was the year the ideas/thoughts I had during sophomore year resurfaced and soon became a reality. I noticed that I would rarely text anyone first about hanging out. It was usually my friends that started those kind of conversations first. My reasoning behind this was I was simply afraid. I never wanted to “bother” my friends from their busy schedule or have them think that I was gonna take them out to a boring place that would waste their time and make them think I was a lousy, boring person to be around, soon leading to the end of being invited to events in the near future. Another sign I started to notice was how I was never really engaged in my group conversations with my friends at school. I felt as if I was a placeholder or just an object that took up space within the circle. During lunch my friends would be talking about a specific topic that I wouldn’t really know about too much, but I wanted to be part of it just so I could just fit in. I would join in and immediately I felt uncomfortable because I started having thoughts in my head such as, “Why are you here anyways? If you were really part of this convo you would’ve been invited in the first place” or “I don’t think my presence is needed here.” I was paranoid thinking of these thoughts. I knew that they were all lies and just nonsense to distract me from being me, however I kept on pondering about how I really could just be taking up space within the group or that a boring guy like me had to come in and be a buzzkill. In the end I would just stay for a few minutes and either move to a different click or just go somewhere else in the school. Junior year was also the year I received my car and was the time I started to drive my friends around, as well as other people. At first I gave rides to people out of my own kindness, but then I became paranoid and afraid by the fact if I had stopped giving rides that people would be thinking, “Oh wow you’re not gonna give me a ride? Some friend you are” or “So you can give a ride to him/her, but you can’t take me? Wow Ryan fake much?” I soon had thoughts of losing my “place” within my group of friends leading to the idea of not being invited to future hangouts and slowly becoming outcasted. Those thoughts haunted me. I didn’t want to lose my reputation as being the “nice cool guy”. I knew my friends would never think that way of me, however I was petrified and uncertain, worried about how that scenario could somehow occur in the near future and I didn’t even want to take a chance on it happening. Junior year ended with me giving everyone rides for the rest of the year, so they would think of me as a cool and reliable person they could always count on. My true goal honestly was just to fulfill these tasks, hoping people would not lose trust in me, and to avoid hateful remarks.

All these thoughts slowly made me feel depressed and lonely as time went on. In all these photos you see I am smiling, but it is sadly something that covers up this internal pain I’ve had to endure for some time now. Even now in my senior year where I try my best to enjoy my final year of high school, I feel and have these horrible ideologies that still linger around from time to time. I know they are not true at all and I fight these feeling of depression, and loneliness, but it still haunts me as I am writing this story.

Denouement

To my fellow friends who I have always loved dearly and are currently reading this…I’m sorry. This is the real me. This is the real Ryan Doan. The reasons why I never texted anyone first, why I would offer to give rides to everyone that simply asked, why I would rarely come hang out during lunch and move place to place, and why I would isolate myself most of the time. It was all because I didn’t want to lose your trust, I didn’t want you all to abandon me, I didn’t want any of you to think badly of me,and I didn’t want to constantly annoy anyone. I simply wanted to respect everyone, so I wouldn’t be alone; I didn’t want to lose you any of you. I know that all of these reasons may seem outrageous, but this was what I was thinking throughout these years. I took so many precautions just to be in a safe bubble, that it’s led me to who I am today; A sad, secluded person. Composing this story has been on of the most difficult tasks I have ever attempted, for I felt immense pain, and sadness while writing this. Even the fact what I was able to post this on social media was hard enough. I ask for no pity, for simply this was something I felt I needed to express and get rid of. I understand that after reading this you may or may not have a different outlook on me, but know that I am fine with whatever you think of me, because in the end I love and respect you all from the bottom of my heart.