Predictions for 2017
Justin Cox 🍩

My 2017 Predictions? Hah!

My prognoscatorial muscles are so underdeveloped that I seldom know what I think until I see what I say — and even then I’m often mistaken.

Regardless, I’m not one to let inability stand in my way (my patient readers will back me up on that). So thanks for the invite Justin Cox 🍩 ….

In 2017:

  • The fabulous John Patrick Shanley film, Joe Versus the Volcano will finally receive the critical acclaim it deserves, including a posthumous —humorous Oscar for the recently departed Abe Vigoda. Orange soda all around, folks.
  • My dog will learn to catch, but probably not throw.
  • I will fail to learn to surf. In Iowa.
  • Half of the Rockettes will have the flu on January 20th.
  • Medium staff will recommend an article espousing how to succeed by doing n# of things under X circumstances.
  • Barron Trump is named Ambassador to Legoland. Gets paid bigly.
  • The OED redefines “nepotism”.
  • Another beloved but aging music icon will pass on to Rock and Roll Heaven. (I’m not happy about this one. Candlelight vigil at the legendary Surf Ballroom, everyone.)
  • Trump will tweet something stupid (this one is sure-fire).
  • I will perfecto my Cubano sandwich. (Also in Iowa.) Justin Cox will ask me to write about it for his wildly popular publication, chow🍴down.
  • Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin spends a night in the White House Lincoln bedroom. Booked via Airbnb.
  • I shall continue to advocate for broader acceptance of women, humans of color, the principle that you can love whoever you damn well want, and the Oxford comma.
  • I will remember how to ride a bicycle, once the stitches are healed.
Not me — my good pal Frank. Imagine how you stop this thing…
  • I will write more than the measly four articles I squeezed out this year. These articles will bore a few people, enrage a couple, entertain a handful, and delight me.

Wuff. That’s about all the manure spreader can hold. Time to press the Publish button.

Bring it, 2017. We got this.