A Resume of Sorts
Devon Henry

Things I can’t put on my resume (but still seem relevant):

Perhaps we should have an appendix to our resumes to describe all those valuable things that we don’t get to add to the conventional resume.

I make preternaturally awesome homemade French-style baguettes and croissants. From scratch, in my own kitchen. French expats weep at just the aroma. Of course no one eats gluten and carbs anymore, so it’s a limited-use skill.

I have written software that does obscure stuff for financial services organizations. Someone apparently cared at some point — they paid me.

Girls adore me. By ‘girls’, I mean, my wife, one of my dogs and at least half of my sisters. (The other dog is a boy. He identifies as human, though.)

I have electro-mechanical empathy. Which means that I understand machines (except when I don’t). Which still puts me ahead of most of the world.

I don’t Instagram, but I have Instamatic-ed. (Including the FlashCube extensions.)

I have extensive experience in taking piles of large wooden bits and fashioning them into furniture, residual small odd-sized pieces, and sawdust.

I have a collection of residual small odd-sized pieces of wood.

I don’t care much about GMO’s one way or the other.

I have never had a Facebook, MySpace, nor Ashley Madison account.

I have used tinder, but only to light fires.

Panama hat, not trilby (fedoras in winter of course — I’m not a Philistine)

I have several enthusiastic thumbs-up recommendations from an award-winning barbecue chef. Some of them are even for my food.

I use a real bow tie, and when I untie it, people think I’m Most Interesting.

I brutally abuse adjectives, but generally avoid adverbs.

I almost always use my real name.

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