SHIT ! I GOT CHALLENGED TO A DUEL — A Guide

Maybe you’re an old-timey 18th century person or maybe you just live in a town that doesnt fuck with tradition, either way, you just got challenged to a duel. This list will help you prepare for it, and hopefuly not die*. (*if you do die, we decline any responsability. Its not our fault you suck at duels.)

  • “ FUCK FUCK FUCK I GOT CHALLENGED TO A DUEL !! WHAT DO I DO ??!” : First of all, you have to calm down. Breathe. Panicking wont help. Also, I dont care for that kind of langage, Im trying to help. Jesus.
  • “ Do I decline ?” : … OK. I’m going to pretend you didnt just ask this, as if it were an option. You probably have SOME dignity. Lets save it.
  • “ Is it a Sword duel or a Gun duel ?” : Really important piece of information. Your opponent HAS to tell you before the time of the duel. If he doesnt, your fight will be barehanded and blindfolded.
  • “ Its a Gun duel.” : Go buy a gun if you dont own one. If you do, you dont need to buy a another one, I saw you get excited, you freak. Also buy a bullet.
  • “Its a Sword duel.” : Rent a Sword. If you own a sword : congratulations, your parents are rich. Your coffin will be top notch.
  • “ Do I practice ?” : Would be a shame to waste this great opportunity for a training montage, wouldnt it ?
  • “ I’m pretty good at swords/Guns, I got this.” : Oh, that confident tone will lead you right into your grave.
  • “ When is it ?” : At dawn. Its always at dawn.
  • “ What do I wear ?” : Think : What clothes would I look good in, alive AND dead ?
  • “ Do I tell other people ?” : Being challenged to a duel gives you the opportunity to declare the following to your ciblings/significant other/roommates/pet/furniture : “Well, beloved, IM OFF TO A DUEL ! And though I do not know if I will survive, I will bravely fight for my honor. If Im not back by lunchtime … Tell my mother I left for the Indies, or something. I dont know. Make up something good.”
  • “ What are the rules ?” : If its a gun fight, you’ll start back to back, then walk a bit, turn around, and when the referee yells “DUEL !”, you shoot straight towards your opponent. Avoid the face. Leave the open-casket option for the family. Have some respect goddamit.
  • “ Is it the same with a sword ?” : Pretty much. Just don’t THROW your sword when the referee yells “DUEL”. It has happened, and Im not gonna lie, its a bad start. Hard to turn it around.
  • “ Anything else I need to know ?” : So much more but that’ll do. Maybe pray beforehand, if you’re into that ?

Good Luck.