“Men are trash” is an anti-patriarchal movement that has to do with oppressive systems rather than each man personally. There are many facets to the phrase “men are trash”. It’s both incredibly simple, and kind of confusing. Firstly, before you all start typing out, “not all men!!” please don’t. I don’t hate all men. I’m also (unfortunately) attracted to people of the male gender. I love my male family members. I have friends that are men- I don’t hate them. You must understand, that “men are trash” is not a direct attack on you. Again. Men are trash is a phrase that is not an attack directed at you personally. Okay. Hammer that into your head. “But, Dorothy,” you ask, “you said men are trash and I am a man so by that logic, aren’t you saying I am trash?” Well, yes. See- this is where it can get confusing. There are two ways to take this phrase, one is big picture- the patriarchy, the big circle (not individual men) of men/males/boys/guys, I’m talking all 4 billion of y’all, the whole system. The other way, is much smaller, said in moments of frustration, fear, anger- you name it. Both are valid. And if you don’t understand the big picture- I want you to at least grasp the smaller picture first. For that, I will start with a personal story. I also want to point out that this is not one secluded incident. It just stands out of a sea of others for a reason you’ll see.
I live in Japan. Sexism here is completely different thing and I could vent for ages about that too- but I am talking right now in an American context. I will say though, that in Japan, I do not get cat-called (again, not to say that the Japanese are less sexist, they actually rank 114/140 countries on gender equality). But there is a cultural respect for people around you. But even in a country like this- shit happens.
~Present tense time- for effect!~
I am at the station, my station, and I notice a guy. He peaks my interest, but not that much. Train’s here. I walk on the train, snag a seat, have my headphones in and eyes closed. Notice, feel, eyes on me. Creeper feeling alert crawling up my spine. Lucky for this man, the person next to me vacates; he sits down. I notice. Close my eyes again, disinterested and trying to shoot out invisible messages of “leave me alone”. He pokes me once. I ignore. He pokes me again, harder. I ignore. He goes, “hey, hello, hey, excuse me”. I sigh. I reply. He starts to tell me he saw me at [ — — ] station, he compliments me. He asks me if I live near that station. He asks me if I work near that station. I lie. I do not want him to know where I live or work, or ANY indication that he can find me at that station on any given day. He knows I’m lying. No one goes to that station, for any reason besides, to go home. I am getting more and more uncomfortable. My heart is beating faster. I don’t like this man. I don’t like these alert signals going off all through out my body. I continue to answer in low, short, deliberate answers. “What do you do?” he asks. “I teach.” I do not give him an inch, but he takes miles. He wants to hang out. His shoulder presses against mine. He says, commands, “give me your Line ID, I saw you using it before”. I have no choice. What would he do if I said no? I’m not sure- I don’t want to find out. He insists on using the QR code. He touches my thigh. I text my (male) friend frantically, “Can you please pick me up at [ — ] station there is this guy and he is creepy and I told him I am meeting you and I am so scared”. We get to the station. The guy asks me where I am going, who I am meeting, what am I doing after. I lie. I give short responses. I motion aimlessly, walk in a crowd, and then. I run. I delete the creepy guy’s message on my Line, already asking to meet. I immediately block him. I find my friend. I’m almost in tears. I need a hug. I need to vent. So I do. I tell the story. I vent. I say, “men are trash!” He interrupts me, my story, with “not all men”. Full. Stop. With those three words, he completely invalidates my story and my feelings. I felt completely heart broken. When a girl, comes to you, after being sexually harassed, “Not all men” is not the correct answer. I get touched without consent. I get cat-called. I get harassed. I have been threatened. I have been forced (not physically, but psychologically- feeling like there is no other choice) to do things I did not want to, or was not comfortable, doing. I have been groped. I have had my breasts roughly grabbed, ass squeezed. I have had hands go up my skirt and all the way up to my underwear. I have been lifted without warning. Kissed without consent. The list goes on and on- I bet that the longer I thought about it, the longer I could make this list. But that was the first time someone interrupted me, full distraught venting, and made it about him. Felt like the one time I vented about being groped and the listener asked me, “what were you wearing?” [Sidenote; also unacceptable, do not say that- it automatically makes the victim think they were at fault. Me getting groped was not my fault. And for the record, because I feel the need to defend myself. I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Also it was a woman who asked.]
Second story. In one of my classes, I was having a friendly cats vs. dogs debate with a middle schooler (I am pro-dog) and one of his arguments was that dogs are loud. So loud, that when they bark outside his window, he can’t concentrate on his homework. I almost said, “well not ALL dogs are loud” before I stopped myself and realized that regardless of the fact that not all dogs are assholes, me saying it doesn’t change the fact that they affect his day and his homework. So it kind of made my statement useless. … Likewise, there is no need to say “not all men”. Saying it doesn’t change the experiences that (yes) all women go through every day. My friend, telling me he is better than the creep, and he would never be a creep, doesn’t change my experience. Doesn’t make me feel better. When he said, “not all men”- he was basically reaching for a confirmation, coming from me, that he was not trash. He wanted me to make him feel better about himself. He wanted me to exclude him from the “men are trash” statement. In his “oh hey wait up” moment, my negative comment that might have included him was more important, than the rest of my story. In my opinion. That’s pretty selfish. And kind of fucked up. And in that moment? It broke my heart a little and made me feel like 55% worse.
So again, I say. “Men are trash” does not target you. It’s not about you. You do not get to experience the “men are trash” world. Sure, not every guy does what the creep does. And not every guy does what the second “friend” does. But. A lot of men, enough men, do what the first guy does, and most men react the way the second guy does. Every woman experiences this. Every. Woman. Every woman experiences some form of sexual harassment (online, irl, home, work, school). Every woman experiences mansplaining! If you ask any woman, “do you know anyone who has every been sexually harassed or assaulted?” You will get an overwhelming ‘yes’ response. If you ask men, “do you know any one who has sexually harassed or assaulted another person”. You will get an overwhelming ‘no’ response. Where does this huge discord between two statements come from? You can’t have such a large number of female harassment be caused by such a tiny number of men. So why is this? I’m just going to take a shot it and say it’s because men do these things without knowing, or realizing. Men promote this type of behavior without realizing. You, personally, might have never raped a woman. And maybe you’ve never told a rape joke, or said, “GET RAPED!” during a high tension video game. But you’ve heard it. You’ve heard how one team “raped” another team. You’ve heard men talking about women in derogatory ways. You’ve heard men talking about the friendzone, or about how girls are just “playing hard to get”. You have, 100%, heard sexist trash from sexist, trashy, men. And you did not stop it. So you are also problematic. You are complicit in this systematic problem. Unknowingly, maybe. But yes. Even. You.
What is interesting to me is that society does believe men are trash. How??? You ask.
-Dads who have daughters are always weary of boys because ‘all boys are thinking about sex’ and those dads threaten violence to said boys, yet will also say ‘not all boys’ because???
-Same with older brothers, btw. Overprotective male family members.
-When people say, “that woman deserved [cat call, sexual harrassment, etc] because she [was wearing _, was walking _, was alone_ etc]. Does that not mean, men are trash. Men can’t control themselves.
-Men are praised, or want to be praised for being good boys who don’t rape- low standards/bar =belief that most men are trash
-If men being trash is actually some rare thing, then why do men think a women owes him (sex) simply because he is nice to her? (friendzone whine)
The best of trash men have no problem with the phrase “men are trash” because they understand it’s not about them, and actively work towards fighting sexism. They check their own words and actions and they check those around them. So big picture, small picture. Big picture; Men are trash is not a slander on you, it’s a movement against the patriarchal system that we live in which negatively impacts women on a daily, minute-ly? basis. Small picture; it is coming from pain and experience and deserves to be validated. “This is not a moment, it’s a movement” — Hamilton musical.
~FAQ~
“But NOT ALL MEN! *cry whine*”
Look. Telling women how they should feel about men is ~not acceptable~ and if you say “not all men” you are immediately dismissing her voice and the systematic issue as a whole. Don’t do it. Don’t say it. It is all men because all men are raised in this present patriarchal society- this system where men hold more power than other genders, in both everyday and institutionalized ways. This article is 100% great: https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/10/yes-actually-it-is-all-men/
“Why can’t you just say “people suck” or “all humans are trash”?”
Following that logic is how we got to “all lives matter” as a movement. Sure, women can suck too. But women are not privileged in the ways that men are. I could say “the ways in which men are socialized under patriarchy as well as how that benefits them and disadvantages everyone else, sometimes in violent ways, is horrible”. But “men are trash” is much more succinct. Women live their life in constant awareness and fear of situations that involve men. I can not walk around at night without feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. I learned to trust my instincts with people. I learned how to throw a punch, put keys in my hand. We are taught that men are dangerous and we should protect ourselves- how is that any different from what I am saying now? It’s a broad phrase that targets all men, the patriarchy, this system where 1/4 women are sexually assaulted and #metoo became a trending hashtag. Ask a man what steps he takes to protect himself from rape. If you say “not all men” or even “all lives matter”, you’re giving privileged groups a position of unaccountability- a “pass” to continue with their internalized behavior, or shuck off the blame “oh well, I’m not trash so I can ignore what they’re saying. I don’t need to change and I can continue to stay complicit as long as I am not the person doing the oppressing”. The phrase “men are trash” does not upset men who genuinely understand their privilege.
“But it’s mean and you’re alienating allies (and potential allies)!”
Okay. Firstly, you should not be an ally because an oppressed group is being nice to you. You should be an ally because you believe people in those groups deserve basic human rights. Feminism isn’t about catering to men’s feelings. It’s about fighting for women’s rights. Hearing “I hate men” shouldn’t make men stop being feminist. Your belief that all humans should be treated with equal respect should not be conditional based on whether or not individual people are nice to you. (from ginnydi) I’m not going around attacking individual men, doling out “you’re trash! and you’re trash!” like Oprah on a giveaway spree (P.S. she is not qualified to be president, y’all. Raise your standards). Nor do I go around treating people like trash. Nor do I walk around cussing out men- I would rather stay alive, and unharmed. If someone was yelling out racial slurs, or a friend of a friend casually says a rape joke- would you just let it slide or treat that person with kindness? Honestly, if I said something offensive- I would want to be called out on it. If I did something trashy, I would want to be educated on why what I said, or did, was not okay. But the truth of it is, so many people just let it slide, so many people stay complicit. I will not be nice to men. Because look, this post is an example. Best case scenario, some amazingly empathetic, woke, men, get it. Usual scenario, men are uncomfortable with being called out, get offended, and verbally attack. Worst case scenario, a very angry guy doxxes me, I receive threats, or get attacked. Would you ask those angry men to also be empathetic and nice and not use threats? Please do- they’re very scary. People who understand the phrase “men are trash”, know that it is not specifically attacking them- as an individual. Not only are they unoffended, but as a side effect, they learn to check themselves.
“Men are trash” is shocking enough for men to approach me and ask why- and then we can open an honest conversation about the meaning, frustration, and anger behind the phrase. And if they get it, I respect them so much more.
“But I don’t do it. I am always nice to women. I have never made a woman uncomfortable, etc.”
I got this from a twitter BoyDetective15 and I will just combine and quote verbatim. “Even with the best of goodwill, any man saying ‘not all men’ is really expressing he doesn’t like not being the center of attention. Men will expend far more effort making sure people understand the concept of generalizations than they will on the topic at hand. Ironically, [it is] because they are too insecure, [and]/or have too poor a grasp on what a generalisation is. It means a man has heard reference to men who do something, thought ‘I don’t do it’ and tried to redirect the conversation so that the topic now includes him- the man who is not doing The Thing. The topic is only acceptable if he benefits or is involved in it. It also shows the low standards a man has to prove himself as a part of the coveted Not All Men group. To them, merely saying, ‘Not me. Talk about me and how I don’t do it’ is proof he isn’t in fact One Of Those Men. Whereas those properly engaged in discussion of sexism and harassment know full well [that] men who harass [women] also yell Not Me Not Us Not All. Hate to break it to you guys- interrupting a functional conversation because it doesn’t formally exculpate you to your liking is sexist. Don’t prioritize your insecurity and poor understanding of common rhetorical devices over women discussing their lives.”
“When men enter a conversation about sexism with the intent to exonerate themselves, that’s like saying to a robbery victim, “Hey, I know you just went through this horrible traumatic thing, but I didn’t rob you! I deserve acknowledgement for that!” You don’t get a good boy award for not being shitting. Inactivity is compliance. You might not be the “robber”, but you’re witnessing the crime and standing idly by. When someone benefits from a system that oppresses and abuses others, and they do nothing to protest that system, then they are a part of the problem.”
Also, have you seriously thought about it? Are you 100% sure that that girl you talked to at the bar wasn’t uncomfortable. Let’s look at the scenario. Women have been conditioned for years to make sure they preserve men’s feelings, particularly about sex/dating. Honestly, we baby you a lot. You think a woman can just walk away from a situation and they aren’t being forced. BUT 1. Women do not have the same power as men and 2. force is not always physical. We stay and we continue to talk, or give shaky consent because of a variety of reasons; maybe shock, maybe fear (like me on the train), and also.. maybe because we don’t want to embarrass the dude- I mean, isn’t that the whole reason why women fake orgasms? It’s most certainly not for our own benefit. We’re even trained to downplay our own feelings and memories, “maybe it wasn’t that bad. I’m overreacting. I’m misinterpreting.” Have you maybe considered, she is just being nice?
“It goes both ways, women do trash things too.”
It really doesn’t dude.
“Misandry! You are a misandrist. You hate men.”
“Men are trash” does not mean, “I hate men”. Even so, it is not the same as men hating women. Misandry isn’t real and saying that women who say they hate men means they are sexist is a false equivalency that is damaging to the progress we are trying to make. I’m not even going to go into how people in positions of privilege can’t cry discrimination or racism/sexism when they feel their privilege threatened because it is not the same and it will never be the same. Misandry doesn’t murder men. Doesn’t follow them home at night. Doesn’t shout threats and make sexual comments to men just trying to get home. It doesn’t have statistics like ‘1 out of 5 men are raped in college’. Doesn’t make men afraid to walk alone at night. Doesn’t suspend men at school for wearing tank tops or shorts- prizing virtue over their education and future. Doesn’t teach men that their only way to a good life is if they marry well. Doesn’t make their ability to reproduce paramount to all else, even their own health. Doesn’t show in the misrepresentation of men in media and the lack of men in politics. All “misandry” is and does is hurt men’s feelings and give women a voice. I want to leave you with this quote, “Women who hate men want to distance ourselves from men, have our own communities. When women hate men, we want to get away from men. When men hate women, they do the exact opposite. They invade our spaces, harass us, intimidate us, stalk us, are violent against us. It doesn’t matter how much women hate men, we don’t hate men the way they hate us.”
Finally, “Well what do you want me to do?”
Sit tight. I have some stats for you. One of your friends is probably a rapist. [taken from here; https://wearawhitefeather.wordpress.com/survivors/rape-culture-statistics/]
-One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives
-One in three women and one in seven men are survivors of sexual violence -One in three men said they would rape if they knew they could get away with it (there have been two studies 11 years apart with the same result)
-One in seven rape cases will ever go to court
-One in sixteen men is a rapist.
-Only 27% whose assault met the legal definition of rape consider themselves rape victims, so great is the minimization and normalization of sexual assault in our society.
-Between 60% and 99% of rapes and sexual assault are perpetrated by men onto women, children, other men, and transgender people.
(Please stop with the whole “women rape too”- you are derailing from the conversation, and we know.)
-91% of victims of rape/sexual assault are female and 9% are male.
-97% of rapists will never spend even a single day in jail.
-98+% of reported rapes are true, only .7–1.5% are false, which is lower than false reports in every other type of crime
Men need to be held accountable for their actions, learn about their daily micro-aggressions against women, and call out other men for being misogynistic. “Locker room talk” is not an excuse. It is this culture that is damaging. Quick example! There are movies about men who woo a women who was not interested into sleeping with them. Where, somehow, with great effort and unwanted advances, the woman sees ‘wow, I was wrong’ and falls in love. That’s messed up. Someone (a man) once said, mansplained, suggested, “why don’t you just tell the [aggressively hitting on you] dude that you are uncomfortable and not interested?” … with movies like that? Nah, guys don’t take that as an answer. It’s the reason why women lie and say they have boyfriends to make men go away- men respect other [invisible] men more than they respect our space, our ability to make our own decisions, and our comfort. They’re taught that ‘girls play hard to get’ and if they pressure her long enough and hard enough, they can get a yes (also if she still says no, she’s a bitch). Long story short- it is a huge societal problem. And men need to hold other men accountable. If a dude cracks a rape joke, tell him it’s not funny. If you see your guy friend hitting on a girl and she looks uncomfortable, tell him to stop. You know what, as a bonus, tell your female co-workers, with the same job, how much money you make- see if there’s a difference, talk to your boss. And listen. Listen to our stories, echo what we say. We don’t need for you to speak FOR us, we need you to AMPLIFY what we are already saying (while giving the people who educate you credit *waves*).
BELIEVE WOMEN, when they say they have been attacked. DO NOT VICTIM BLAME. Do not DO NOT ask ‘what they wore’. Do not tell a woman what she should have done in a situation-
1. she lives the ‘men are trash’ life, she knows how to handle it better than you- don’t mansplain something you have no experience in. and
2. it’s over, it’s past. Doing this means you don’t believe she handled it well, and you’re putting her on the defensive.
~Learn to not be dumpster fire trash and maybe get thrown in the recycle bin
Check yourself and your own privilege. Ask yourself- and answer! (I’ll listen and help)
-what are some ways that I have contributed to rape culture?
-Have I been complicit in instances where men are acting like trash?
-Have I once said a rape joke or talked about or sexualized a woman like an item?
-Are there instances where I might have made a woman uncomfortable and I didn’t know?
And then: How can I change? How can I fix this?
Make a promise to yourself (to me, to your mom, to the record); I will call out my male friends if they say trash things. I will listen to women who are talking about sexism. I will not rape anyone. If a woman looks the slightest bit uncomfortable, I will graciously bow out. (I will admit, this one is hard. There are instances when a man has asked me, ‘am I making you uncomfortable’ and I answered with ‘no of course not’ even though I did feel uncomfortable — — yeah, sorry, it’s still ingrained in me to not embarrass men and make them feel comfortable over my own comfort. I recommend giving women a space and freedom to leave, like “if you need to go, feel free to”) Educate others! Teach. educate. inform. Link people here, idc. ACT ON IT!
~~~ Give women their space. Get consent. Do more of this: https://phroetiq.com/2013/09/05/this-is-male-privilege-written-by-a-man/
A final (GOLD QUALITY) quote from a male friend of mine, “And FWIW, a while back I totally would have been one of those guys who would react defensively and angrily to that article and maybe even posted a grumpy comment about SJWs being hateful and how mean language is just making things worse, etcetera. But the way I learned to be less trashy and more aware of rape culture and my place and complicity in it wasn’t through women being extra nice and telling me it was okay and protecting my feelings- it was by forcing myself to read things like this that hit uncomfortably close to home and even might have been a little hurtful. I’m definitely not a paragon of feminist virtue or anything like that yet, and I still have a lot of sexism and other -isms bottled up that I’m working on facing and correcting, but it’s being called out in pieces like this that help me grow- not some bland “all lives matter” about how we should all just get along.”
Men educating men.
More here: https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/10/yes-actually-it-is-all-men/ https://www.theodysseyonline.com/why-women-say-men-are-trash (written by a man) https://www.rifemagazine.co.uk/2017/10/men-are-trash-but-women-are-not-garbage-collectors/ Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture — and What We Can Do about It https://www.thecut.com/2018/01/moira-donegan-i-started-the-media-men-list.html?utm_source=fb&utm_medium=s3&utm_campaign=sharebutton-t
P.S. I don’t care for your apologies “sorry that one guy did that one thing to you”. Your apologies mean nothing to me. Own up to your own behaviors and then we’ll talk. P.P.S I’m not perfect either. I have a lot of learned internalized racism that rears it’s ugly head now and again. But I actively work at trying to be aware of my own thoughts, behavior, and I call out the problematic behavior of others.
