AFC — Draconian Agenda Part 04

Announcer 1 and Announcer 2

//(Announcer 1) Greetings fellow Fight Club fans and welcome to the show (Announcer 2) It’s a grueling 1 v 1 guild takes all Iron-man battle. (Ironman song begins playing in the background and Announcer 1 and 2 play their air guitars for a few seconds.) (Announcer 1) Will the Casa de Uno God prevail or will Draconian Players get played? (Announcer 2) The Lizards did get played by their own, when Lord Doug and Axmatt both got caught cheating, bribing two Judges and illegally walking a cow in downtown Houston without a permit on Sunday. (Announcer 2) Right you are Ken; Texans have zero tolerance for heifer walking without a permit. (Announcer 2) I heard they were just walking with their wives. (Announcer 1) Have you seen their wives? (Announcer 2) So they were walking with cows!//

Jill the Ripper

Scout stretched her arms as she adjusted her chain mail. Her first opponent was not the guild leader, but it was their most experienced combatant, Jill the Ripper. Jill’s hair was crudely shaved off, leaving patches of hair in places. Her eyes were that of a wild dog with rabies, and the foam coming out of her mouth didn’t help either. The white straight jacket she was wearing posed little difficulty for her to keep a decent grip on straight razor, coated in fresh blood.

When it came time to submit the three items, Jill went nuts wildly swinging at the Judges, giving them a close up view of her razor, next her straight jacket, and finally a Hello Kitty tattoo on her ass. The Judges seemed to be hardly imitated by her pre-game antics. Scout rolled her eyes and submitted her: chainmail armor, black broadsword and shoes. Then it came time to submit the battle avatars, Jill reached her in pocket and threw an angry shrew at one of the Judges, it hissed and spat at him. Finally, it ran off and pawed at anything within distance. Scout’s battle avatar was a mini-red dragon whelp.

Although players were not allowed to use past lives (even past lives as a dragon) the rules didn’t exclude the battle avatar from representing what you were in the past. The Draconian Players Guild prided themselves on having dragons of various types as battle avatars.

The Judge extended his hand into the air for the random arena to be picked. Jill was busily chanting “Scary Hospital!” in the corner.

//(Announcer 1) And it looks like the wheel of chance has picked (Announcer 2 chanting Scary Dentist’s Office) Crystal Lake! (Both announcers letting out a cheer) (Announcer 2) Think Jill will finally be reunited with her father? (Announcer 2) I have no idea, but I do know her mom was last seen walking down the street with Axmat when he got arrested. (Announcer 1) Oh Snap! Crackle and POP!//

Meanwhile, at Crystal Lake

Jill and Scout were standing about 10 feet away from each other, completely unheard of in an arena fight.

“Ah fuck, me!” Jill stated, reaching under her coat and pulling out a 22-guage shotgun and placing her knife in her mouth.

What’s the meaning of this?” Scout shouting to the Judges, who were not clearly there. Scout pulled her sword and noticed that Jill was not aiming the weapon at her, but pointed it towards the sky. In the distance both of them heard the low hum of some kind of machine.

Is the arena on the fritz again or something?” asked Scout.

MuSEj BeRE SKutl” Jill replied with a mumbled response. “Take that stupid thing out of your mouth, Jill!” she snapped. Jill grabbed on to her straight razor, but still maintained control on her shotgun, and slowly backed up towards Scout.

Were you born stupid or did you just grow that way?” snarled Jill. “I thought guild masters were supposed to pay attention the news board.” Scout shook her head no, they were planning so much time on their project, and no one really stopped to read the current announcements. “(Sounding sane) they announced new mystery combatants. There is a 1% chance that the alien Grays would show up to an arranged fight. If you can destroy their ship and send them packing the survivors would receive double their initial wager. So far nobody has survived a confrontation against them. Even the beta-testers said they were difficult to defeat. The victor received a relic; you know an insanely powerful magic item that allows you to go beyond your 6-item limit!

In the distance several lights appeared over the treetops. The machine hum seemed to be originating from them. It was a low vibrating hum, the hair on Jill’s and Scout’s neck stood up on end. Their battle avatars were huddled together, shaking.
Or was it a weather balloon?

//(Announcer 1) Oh, looks like Jill and Scout are about to be anal probed by the aliens. (Announcer 2) I hope they both brought lube.//

Jill was the first to fire at the aliens. She fired several wild shots at a disk-shaped craft as it zoomed over head. Scout slammed her sword into the ground and made large circle with her fingers. She started chanting a strange guttural language. The crackle of blue energy formed inside the circle as one of the glowing red ships began to hover 100 meters away from their position, just above the water. Suddenly, Scout’s right hand began to twist as if under someone else control. She tried to repeat the ritual, but the result was the same. The circle was being broken by some unseen force. Behind them, one of the ships dropped off several unidentified objects in the forest and without a sound zipped off. Scout could feel their numbers under her feet. The vibration of the ground as they moved told her 8 of them were on the ground taking up a semi-circular position around them. Before Scout could tell her new comrade, Jill was hit by a bright white light and was pulled into the air.

Jill tried to scream, but her mouth was held in place by the beam. The light slowly brought her closer to the floating craft.

Do something!” screamed Scout. Jill tried to aim her shotgun at the source of the light, as she tried to fire off a round at it. Nothing happened. She dropped the useless weapon and held the blade of the straight razor tight in her hand. Her hand was soon covered in blood as 25HP was deducted from Jill’s total. Jill let out a scream as she began to swing her razor wildly in the air. The straight razor began shredding the beam of light, as she was dropped on to the ground, loosing another 10HP. The UFO zoomed off towards the forest. Scout rushed over towards Jill helping her to her feet. Jill spat blood out of her mouth and on to the ground.

I thought you couldn’t move?” Scout said. Jill licked her hand where she had cut herself.

I could hardly move a muscle, but when my blade tastes blood, it sends nerve racking pain throughout the target’s body. This makes your muscles and nerves spasm uncontrollably, so I was able to cut up the light and free myself.” Jill said calmly. Scout made a mental note to herself about the lethality of that weapon’s ability. Scout soon detected another group of 8 individuals landing in the forest.

We are outnumbered. We got 16 unknowns on the ground. It looks like they are going to come through the forest.” She said quietly. The sun sank below the waters of Crystal Lake. The two were in the dark and alone, two enemies forced to work together to defeat a common threat.

Mak mak, soot-tay!!!” (That isn’t how it’s spelled, but it’s close to what it sounded like) came a voice from forest. Several loud shots were fired off towards their direction. Bullets zipped past their legs as Scout extended her hands, a protective circular barrier formed in front of her hands protecting them from rounds that were being shot at them. Low growls and deep barking sounds were being shouted from the tree line.

Alfa goon, mara,” said the strange unearthly voice. A loud sizzling sound shot through the air, shattering Scout’s protective shield. “That’s a level 3 protective earth ward, these guys are not playing,” Scout muttered to no one in particular.

Run!” shouted Scout. They both took off running down the beach.

Where are we going?” shouted Jill.

“We need to bottle neck them, and pick them off one by one like in those Friday the 13th movies.”

Friday the what?

The movies with the crazy guy with the hokey mask?

“Oh, my old training videos!” Jill said with joy.

Scout looked back at her and decided that she wasn’t going to ask for clarification on that last comment. Scout concentrated and forced energy to her feet became lighter as her speed increased, she glanced back expecting to Jill trailing behind her. Jill was right on her heals.

How was she keeping up with me?” thought Scout. Then a searing pain shot through her head as if her head was caught on fire. She glared at Jill who was still running next to her; Jill saw the agony on her twisted face. The pain soon became so intense Scout fell to her knees and blacked out.

When Scout came too, she expected to be sitting in the common room of her guild. And her husband, Sir Barton, telling her that Jill backstabbed her and hit her with some sort of mind attack. Her eyes slowly came into focus and her head was in Jill’s lap. She was slowly stroking her hair as they rested in a log cabin.

I thought you attacked my mind or something.” Scout said quietly, her head still throbbing.

We have a deal, we take down those alien thingies,” Jill replied.

I remember making no such deal,” Scout said back, then wincing, the pain hitting her in waves. Jill pulled out her straight razor and held it to Scout’s neck.

Shall we finish our duel then?” Jill asked, still looking around trying to pick up ambient noises. Scout wanted to protest, but knew she was at a disadvantage, especially with the headache hit affecting her.

No, under the circumstances, I think we need to be allies.

Give me your word,” said Jill, lowering her straight razor.

I give you my word that I will not backstab you and we will work together. Now you swear!”

I am a member of the House of the One God; we do not practice treachery or bribery like Lord Douglas or Axmatt.” Jill retorted. Scout noted that she used specific names, and not accused her guild of skullduggery. It was a good sign. Scout slowly sat up rubbing her temples, trying to use her willpower to wish the headache away. Her battle avatar was nuzzling her arm.

Did they try the same mental attack with you?” asked Scout.

Yes,” she replied, slowly standing up, being carefully not to expose herself through the window.

“Why didn’t you get knocked out?”

Because unlike you, I get off to the pain, especially the mental pain. I haven’t had an organism like that in a long time!” she said with a sinister grin. Scout noted the slight wet spot in between Jill’s legs, and pushed herself up to her feet.

What do you know of aliens?” asked Scout, quickly changing the subject.

They like to anal probe people?” Jill said as a simple matter of fact.

//(Announcer 1) THAT WAS MY LINE!!! (Announcer 2 trying to calm his buddy down as he tries to jump through the camera at Jill.) (Announcer 1) You see that, she stole my line! I’m going to bite her knee caps off! //

Suddenly, Jill let out a sneeze. “Someone must be talking about me,” she thought to herself. Scout moved low as she made her way to the door leading to the outside forest. She tried to recall her experiences with alien stories.

“I seem to recall my friend Jason Baby being into aliens and conspiracy theories. The alien Grays, attempting to take over the world, they are physically weak, don’t have the strength of an average teen male, but have strong psychic abilities.

When you decided to take a quick nappy, I saw human peoples,” replied Jill.

“I don’t know, then.” Scout said thoughtfully. A loud crash came through the window as three grenades were tossed in. Scout and Jill dove towards the door as the grenades went off. Outside were four humanoid creatures wearing black body armor and face mask. The soft green glow of their night vision goggles revealed little of their facial features. Scout and Jill could only see faint silhouettes as the humanoids fired their assault rifles at them. Jill was the first to recover and quickly ran towards one of the figures. Her movement was erratic as she wobbled from side to side as if she was drunk.

Gasa ha ha!” shouted one of the guards. The guard closest to Jill dropped his weapon and pulled out a large bladed knife and swung at her throat. Because of Jill’s small size she was able to duck under the swing. She swung her razor at the guy, he pulled his head back, but Jill flipped the blade around and caught the guy on the chest. The blade first hit body armor then found a gap cutting the guy’s suit and cutting into his skin. Although she only cut the first layer of skin, his body began to shake and convulse uncontrollably. Before he fell to the ground, she was on top of him, slashing at his twitching body. The expression on her face was wild with glee as she failed to notice two of the three guards who were aiming their weapons at her.

Ignoring the third guard firing at her, Scout crossed the distance and dropped her protective shield. Three bullets merely glanced off her and her armor, taking away a total of 12HP. She took in a deep breath of air as her dragon whelp flew in front of her. She exhaled deeply as a bright red flame lit up the night sky. The dragon whelp added his fire and doubled the size of the cone of flame. Two of the guards were engulfed in flame, rolling on the ground trying to put the flame out. The third one tucked and rolled missing the breath of the dragon. He tore off his night vision, being completely blinded by flame; he rubbed his eyes, trying to regain sight. It was too late. Scout was upon him with her broadsword hacking him apart. He only managed to deflect a few of the blows, but it was a futile effort. Broadswords, even if blocked, could shatter limbs and muscle even while wearing armor. His 21st century Kevlar and flex weave armor gave little protection against her 15th century hacking and crushing weapon. Scout ripped off the hood of the humanoid she hacked apart with her black bladed weapon. Jill took the opportunity to slit the throats of the guard who were still on fire, rolling around.

From one of the cabins, four more guards burst through the door, firing their weapons at Jill and Scout. Scout grabbed Jill as they ran through into the woods. More bullets flew past them only to hit Scout’s level 3 shield.

They are hybrids!” Scout said, breathing heavily (she forgot to activate her shoes of speed) from running. “They are ½ gray and ½ humans. I saw their eyes. If we can find their gray master we can stop them all.

How did you learn that?” asked Jill, both of them stopping to catch their breath.

“I was able to read his surface thoughts. We need to find the master gray.”

Wait (shouting in the distance) if they speak that funny language how do you know what he was thinking? Don’t they think in that funny language or something? (Scout gave her a funny look) What? Just because I’m bat-shit insane, doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” More gun fire erupted around them, they took off running again.

We can’t keep running from them all night,” whispered Scout, this time she remembered to activate she shoes of speed.

I know we need a plan, how about I kill all the guards while you kill the master gray?

After what he did to my mind earlier? I don’t stand a chance against it.”

Take Peewee (patting her battle avatar shrew), he’s great at countering mind and fear based attacks.

Scout made another mental note that Peewee knew how to use the elements of wind, shadow and light. “Thank you, take my Avatar, you are going to need someone to watch your back and help with area effect attacks. He can take any attack and make it AoE (area of effect).”

Earth, dark and fire, sexy combo!” stated Jill. “Maybe if we win this we can become friends.”

Scout stopped and embraced Jill in a friendly hug. It was the kind of embrace that two warriors would give each other before a final battle.

Scout, ready for battle…

Jill and Scout parted company.


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Dr. C. Cat (the one and only) is the first economic conservative cat blogger, and sometimes fiction writer. If you wish to donate to me, please send me all the tuna you have in the house. I would be sure to send back an empty can so it can recycled.

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