Ballad of the Zeppelin Messer and The Mess They Made

This is a reprint of a ballad I did one lazy day…enjoy

The Afternoon watch of a midsummers day,
The black fleet slept quietly in their bay.
It was two points abaft of the beam,
Silently crept the Messer, like a lazy dream.

Target sighted!

Absentee pennant flew the banner high.
3 predatory airships, just waiting to die.
The SS Chop was the first to fall,
Torn apart by an acial fire wall.

REPEAT! REPEAT! Captain Seiger’s voice boom loud.
Soon the SS Chop sank into a cloud.
Proud as any war-bird corvette
Descended below w/ all hands on deck.

Salty birds were alerted by alarm bells
Suddenly appearing, to send the Messer to hell.
Broadsides were fired, and the zeppelin was missed
The slick Messer danced away as steam engines hissed
CPT Rooster cawed & he yelled
He ordered a boarding party into the swell
Like an unkindness of ravens or Valkyries of old,
His war witches swarmed the Messer below.

The war witches took over most of the ship
Killed many an airmen w/ a crack of their whip.
Captain Seiger laughed as he died…
So long gentlemen, it’s been a hell of a ride!

Like a thunderstorm to a plain
Blood fell like a sou wester rain.
The battle appeared to be soon over,
But not for Bosun Higgs, the human lawn mower.

“Take out the trash, Gentlemen!” Bosun Higgs

He was outnumbered 20 to 1,
As the battle raged in the noon day sun,
He was slashed in the chest and took a knife to his eye,
Higgs yelled, “Enough is enough, these witches will die!

Like a bolt of white lightening & a stripe of white heat,
He knocked 4 witches right off their feet
He threw 3 out the window and 2 out the door
They all screamed as they hit the deck floor.

A crack of the whip caused a hella big gash,
Higgs roared and put a boot to her ass,
His fists were like a storm, furrious & fast,
At the rate they droppin’, they didn’t last.

Bosun Higgs bellowed & shouted his orders,
Git up an’ fight, give’em NO quarter
The crew fought bravely and true,
CPT Rooster was scared, and knew not what to do.

Higgs took advantage of this slight hesitation,
He proudly took his place at the command station,
Cut loose our anchors & hit our aft thrusters
The Zeppelin Messer charged, like a fat kid to custard.

CPT Rooster ordered his ship to cut and run,
But the SS Artic Breeze was too slow, it’s luck was undone.
Messer’s anchors tore into the sails,
A fire broke out in the fueling tail.

The Artic Breeze capsized and crashed w/ a clatter,
Carved by the Messer, like a chicken on a platter.
CPT Kreiger knew his ship was next,
SS Knife, would fall, just like the rest.

Old gooseberry Kreiger moved like a snake on glass,
He had no choice, the Messer was on his ass,
Kreiger ordered his men into life boats, he shed no tear
Load them with bombs, and all explosive gear.

He called to the frigates waiting below,
Aim your guns high, the Messer has to go,
With the devil to pay, and no pitch is hot,
Cinder that damned ship, and let their bodies rot.

Deck guns barked, like hounds from hell,
Descend! Descend! The demon boats fell.
Caught between Scylla & jaws of Charybdis,
All trying to send the Messer to the abyss.

Bosun Higgs commanded, “Moonrakers be released
Let’s kiss the gunner’s daughter, that ugly beast
Zepplin Messer stood proud & tall,
The wind was w/ them, the ship close hauled.

Through the first wave the Messer did pass,
The flac kept coming, and nearly shot them in the ass.
Fuckers flew left, assholes kept right,
The Messer was locked down, like a virgin at night.

The port side got hit & burned fiery red,
There were 10 crewmen, who now were dead.
 The SS Knife brought their chase guns to bear,
Bosun Higgs & crew were caught unaware.

A shot rang out, with little warning,
The Messer was hit & lost it’s mooring.
The Messer dodged the last of the little foes,
It got away & fought away, the Messer arose.

The Messer and Knife : face to face
All guns loaded, above the air base.
Forward they gazed, eye to eye,
Higgs and Kreiger : dueling samurai…

The Messer was limping, it’s decks torn apart,
Kreiger signaled, “Your ship’s a donkey cart.
Bosun Higgs had only burning desire,
And answered back w/ long gun fire.

He prayed to the gods of the sky,
“Let me have REVENGE, before I die…”
The 3 enemy ships took part in a slaughter,
Often killed those who surrendered, like Higg’s own daughter.

The airships raced forward, neither dare flinched,
The one who did, would fall in a pinch.

Kreiger had no honor & attacked the port side face,
It was his right to put Higgs in his place.
Broadsides had fired, but nothing was there,
The Messer released all weight, & flew higher in the air.

This duel was now over, and all guns were aimed low,
The SS Knife & its crew, were cast into the abyss below.


No one knew what became of the Messer,
Revenge once complete, souls now rest better.


Dr. C. Cat (the one and only) is the first economic conservative cat blogger, and sometimes fiction writer. If you wish to donate to me, please send me all the tuna you have in the house. I would be sure to send back an empty can so it can recycled.

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Dr. C. Cat’s story.