Plots Based on Posters — “VIDEODROME”

Bertha-Brenda and Quinn Drome own a failing TV repair shop called Videodrome’s that was left to Quinn by his father, as it was left to him by his father before him, as it was left to him by his father before him. It’s 1993 and if you remember, TVs are going out of style to give way to the Internet. Everywhere you turn is Internet, Internet, Internet. In the meantime, Malcolm the neighbor lays around all day thinking about how fucking cool cats are and then spends a bunch of time at church. He makes slight little tongue-in-cheek comments about how smooth his faith is throughout the movie to Bertha-Brenda and Quinn. Anyway, Malcolm kind of has some cold sores and like dark bags under his eyes. He’s the dude that buys up all the candy cigarettes because he thinks they taste good though.

But Malcolm walks by this new church where people wear gowns and think evil comes from space. Malcolm yells, “This is cool as hell,” and just signs up on the spot to join this church. The very next scene is Bertha-Brenda and Quinn arguing because of the Internet and the oncoming tidal wave of non-sensual pornography. Oh, and also they kind of argue about privacy but they’re both like, yes, fuck privacy in the long run. Then a young Milton Berle comes into the store and looks at the price tag on a TV, stares right at the camera, and yells, “Fuck this — I’m getting more Internet!” Bertha-Brenda and Quinn exchange dark stares fraught with desire, sadness, and just real horniness. Quinn tells Bertha-Brenda that he fucking hates the Internet right then and there but Bertha-Brenda says that the business should embrace it and start an TV/Internet repair business. “It sounds lucrative,” she screams with passion. “We’ll make millions,” she shrieks with desire. It’s the dawn of the Internet age and Bertha is looking at the horizon, softly belting away “This is good.”

Anyway, Malcolm still kind of shows up in their doorway from time to time, wearing his gown and jewels and talking about the future in a mysterious way. He has a new job as a recruiter for the church and thinks that Bertha-Brenda and Quinn would make sweet-ass additions to the congregation. He tells the supreme church leader that the couple have a lot of potential to help the church because the church relies on television signals to communicate with other branches or whatever they’re called, and the church has had a lot of problems with their television sets lately. In an animated montage, we see the Internet waves as big, handsome bodybuilders crushing televisions signals in the form of smaller, weaker, nerdier people. Just like real life in this current year, all the Internet waves block out the television waves, so you get like weird Internet stuff on the television screen. It’s driving the leader of the church insane and the first time we meet her, she’s screaming at the top of her lungs about how the goddamned television set doesn’t work. And she’s in the back of the TV set fiddling with cords and the antennae and whatnot.

I think maybe Malcolm just politely asks if Quinn would take a look the church TVs and if there was anything he could do to fix them or if the Internet was just too much of an unstoppable juggernaut to fight. Like, should they launch a church-based initiative to get the Internet banned?!?!?! Can you imagine banning the Internet, let alone banning the Internet from church? What a different world we would live in if you couldn’t sign on to read about the weather at Imagine not seeing pictures of your high school friends or long-lost cousins. Imagine your cousins. Imagine your cousins without the Internet. Imagine your cousins without the Internet at church, not being able to Google Jesus and see what he looks like.

Anyway, Quinn is kind of on board with this idea because he hates the Internet because it’s ruining his business. So he’s like, “We gotta join this fucking church,” because he also cusses a lot. Like he’s fixing TVs and is like, “This fucking receiver,” or “This fucking tube.” And then he also has like an anger issue because he bangs on the TVs with whatever wrench he’s trying to use to fix the fucking thing. But most of the time, Brenda is like “NOOOOOO!” and they fight about how Quinn is too badass when it comes to his television repair.

Quinn says, “Let’s do this; let’s join this fucking church.” Bretha-Brenda says like, “OH, I don’t know — they seem crazy. Let me sleep on it.” And she does but Quinn signs them up to join the church in the middle of the night anyway. There’s this crazy midnight session where he signs up and the church leader and Malcolm lead a song and dance number with a bunch of congregation members. The church leader is played by Frasier Crane’s Wife because she was in that movie Chicago and I think she sings and is pretty good. Anyway, they’re all cutting a rug and singing like “Welcome to the church!” but kind of like that Hozier song, “Take me to your church” because that song fucking rips. Have you heard it? Actually, look it up right now and let’s watch the video together. Your phone’s dying? Yeah, me too.

So then, Quinn is fixing the TVs but is having a hard time because the Internet waves are making it hard for him to actually get a TV fixed because they are so over fucking powering. At one point, he’s close to fixing one but the Internet waves blow him over and he’s on the floor just cussing his fucking ass off. Frasier’s Wife gets fucking pissed as shit at him and chews him out and is all yelling like “You suck! You’re a disgrace to the church!” but in a way that she sounds like Lita the Evil Queen or Evil Witch from the Power Rangers. Later that night, Malcolm sneaks into the television repair shop and slits Quinn’s throat. Right before that happens though, Bertha-Brenda wakes up and sees Malcolm with his knife to Quinn’s throat and is like “No, please!” And Malcolm is crying and looks at her and is like, I’m sorry and then slits Quinn’s throat so he’s dead.

But then a TV starts acting weird and Bertha-Brenda’s sad. She’s banging on the TV and cussing (a la Quinn when he wasn’t dead), and then the TV comes on. A face faces in the screen, and it’s Quinn’s dad’s face and he smiles at Bertha-Brenda. They have this long conversation about how Quinn is stuck in purgatory because of the Internet waves. He rode television waves into heaven years ago, you stupid dipshit. He says, “How could you marry my dipshit son and not know that?!?!?!” Then his face turns stark and he raises his pistol. This is when the audience is like “OH SHIT!” So then Quinn’s dad’s arm comes out of the TV with the pistol in his hand and he’s like “Bertha-Brenda, take me to church.” So Bertha-Brenda carries this TV into the weirdo gown church where Frasier’s Wife and Malcolm are talking about church stuff and he just starts unloading on everyone. And Bertha-Brenda’s like crying but she’s also like “Yeah!” because all these crazy church fucks are getting murdered left and right.

And like then there’s a shot of the pistol coming out of the TV and just smoking like crazy. Everyone is dead except for Bertha-Brenda. The final scene is just Bertha-Brenda and the TV sitting next to Quinn’s grave at sunset. She’s crying but she’s also smiling and her hand is on the TV. But here’s the thing — on the TV screen is Quinn AND his dad and they both have big-ass guns, and they’re smiling and laughing, looking at the grave. They’re happy Quinn is no longer in purgatory.

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