It’s International Kraken Day 🦑
What does this catchphrase actually mean?
Since times immemorial, some god or other cried “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!” whenever humanity’s hubris and arrogance meant some holy smiting was in order. In fact, despite the Kraken being the go-to harbinger of doom for pretty much any civilisation worth their mettle, this catchy cry has only been around since 1981. That was when Sir Laurence Olivier muttered the line playing Zeus, in Clash of the Titans. It became a proper internet meme in 2010 when Liam Neeson got to regurgitate both the role and the mighty call.
Since then, it has been thoroughly abused and utterly misappropriated by another Monster from the Deep (State): The Orange Menace’s former, properly-unhinged sometimes attorney Sidney Powell. Literally no one, including that lunatic, has any idea why they thought this catchphrase was appropriate for furthering the ‘Big Lie’, and attempting to overthrow Democracy. To say no more of these monstrous evil-doers, their BS hasn’t worked, and they are very likely going to jail, or at least going broke — facing around $3 billion in legal threats for falsely using the Kraken’s name in vain. Or something.
Apparently, what the phrase actually means is: “to pwn [yeah, not a typo, I didn’t know that was a thing either] or to kick the ass of whomever you’re releasing the Kraken on” (Urban Dictionary, 2010 ). Note, there are other, largely fecal definitions for this phrase on Urban Dictionary, however they are not for the faint-hearted. You’ve been warned!
What does this have to do with me?
I was particularly upset when The Former Guy and his sociopathic band of lunatics stole this catchphrase, as I have been (some say, inordinately) obsessed with these tentacled beasts from a very young age. It has long been my go-to catch cry, and I actually released the Kraken (take that, Sidney!). This happened, very fittingly near its lair, Deception Island in Antarctica.
I can trace my life-long obsession with all things tentacles to when my Mama gave me a second hand Jacques Cousteau book called “Kalmare” (Cephalopods) for my 8th birthday. I became fixated on the ocean when I first encountered it at a very young age during a holiday in Croatia. It was one of my first memories, and definitely one of the best, from my often-difficult childhood. My usual answer to “What do you want to be when you grow up?” was: “Jacques Cousteau!” No one had the heart to tell me that he was a) French, b) a man and c) a different person who I wouldn’t be able to just turn into…
I became instantly hooked with a particular chapter in the book: It was called “Eine Frau bei den Kraken” (a lady amongst the octopuses) and it described the story of a beautiful, gentle-yet-athletic marine biologist by the name of Joanne Duffy.
Jacques called her “seductive and enigmatic — a partner to James Bond”. Now, that sounded like a great heroine for a tomboyish 8-year old! She was someone who I instantly hero-worshiped. He also describes her wondrous dance with the almighty beasts during ‘Octopus wrestling competitions’ which were all the rage in the 60s in Washington’s Puget Sound. This was a time before animal rights were a major thing, I assume (they stopped in 1976). The way he talks about her relationship with the Giant Pacific Octopus Enteroctopus dofleini left an indelible mark on me. I instantly knew what I wanted to be when I grew up: A Kraken Wrangler, just like Joanne.
I never quite managed to fulfil this dream, although I came pretty darn close when I left my land-locked home country to move across the world to the Great Barrier Reef and became a marine biologist like my heroes, Jacques, Silvia (Earle), and Joanne. Even though I studied marine biology, animal behaviour, and environmental impact assessments on coral reefs for 10 years, I could never find the funding to do research on my favourite subject: Kraken (aka octopus) behaviour.
Nonetheless, Krakenology (aka the studying, wrangling, co-existing with, and releasing of the Kraken) continued to be my hobby, or rather, my obsession, for my entire life. And so I want to give you some insights into the real Kraken, on October 11, the International Kraken Day, and reclaim its mighty name from the Trumpian evil doers.
So, what on earth is the real Kraken?
This question leads to another question, that needs to be answered first: What is Cryptozoology?
The Belgian zoologist Bernard Heuvelmans was first to list the ‘hidden animals’. He coined the term cryptozoology, which is often rudely regarded as a ‘pseudoscience’. Cryptozoologists collect legend, sightings, bones, hair, footprints, excrement etc. to prove that some mythical beasts do indeed exist. For some bizarre reason their field isn’t regarded — especially by their scientific peers — in the same lofty way as, say, nuclear physics might be.
The International Society of Cryptozoology was founded in 1982 (and inexplicably closed in 1998, allegedly due to financial hardship). Zoology legends Dame Jane Goodall and Clyde Roper were both members, which should give it some street cred. Cryptozoologist get to walk the line between science and modern fables, which does seem super fun. Although, they are often criticised for following neither the scientific, nor folkloristic methods. Sometimes you just can’t win.
They search for real-life enigmas. This means: no dragons, sea serpents or unicorns, as these beasts have durable mythology, but no corporeal evidence. Cryptozoologists’ study objects are also different to e.g. the Okapi, coelacanth or megamouth sharks, which we didn’t know actually existed until we accidentally stumbled across them. Just imagine running into a megamouth shark by mistake! Although I’d probably be more freaked out by that Okapi tongue…
So, is the Kraken a cryptid or is it real?
The Kraken was long a cryptid super star. The only evidence came from seafarers’ tales and the occasional beach wash-ups. Even though scientists knew since the 18th century that such a creature most likely existed, it proved extremely elusive in real life. There is an astonishing array of Kraken mythology — sea monsters akin to the Kraken have been around for as long as human civilisation. However, in this article I shall concentrate on the ‘real’ Kraken, not the cryptid or the mythos.
The Kraken can be several species of over-sized cephalopods: giant squids (Architeuthis sp., literally ‘Chief Squid’), colossal squids (Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, literally ‘Middle Claw Squid’), and giant octopuses (Enteroctopus dofleini, literally ‘Dofleini’s 8-armed intestine’). They all count as proper, real-life ‘Kraken’. There is even another giant, the deep sea 7-armed octopus (Haliphron atlanticus, sorry but I have no idea what Haliphron means) who uses jellyfish to defend himself and grows up to 4m.
I have explained the etymology of the name in a blog on Viking Kraken mythology, but at least the Austrians and Germans call all octopuses Kraken to this day. Being Austrian, my early obsession with the Kraken therefore started even before I knew there was a mythological ass-kicking monster of the same name.
So, the Kraken really does exist?
Yes, the Kraken really exists, not just in Sidney’s batshit proclamations. But it doesn’t just exist - cephalopods (literally, ‘head footer’) are by far the most awesome things in the universe. This is no exaggeration (because, science)! I have delved into the scientific question if octopuses are indeed aliens elsewhere — let’s just say, it’s not as straightforward as you think. I have also written about the awesomeness that is Abyssal Gigantism — something the Kraken is most certainly guilty of.
Let’s name a few more reasons why they are by far the most awesome things in the universe. They:
- Got more than one brain
- Eat through their main brain, which also looks like a donut (Just like Homer Simpson’s)
- Are super smart — maybe even smarter than us?
- Can change colour, skin texture and appearance like nothing else on earth
- Have 3 hearts and are ocean royalty
- Have hundreds of ‘tongues’ all over their body
- Use tools
- Can walk on land
- Outwit anything — and anyone
- Can even catch and eat a shark
- Release ink in their own shape to throw off predators
- They get super freaky
- Love their babies so much they die for them
- Are the rockstars of the sea
- Are also very naughty
- Have eyes just like ours… but the largest in the animal kingdom
- Have a beak like a parrot’s though it’s upside down
- Are so unbelievably dextrous!
- Can fit through the tiniest cracks because they have no bones
- Move in all sorts of fascinating ways
- Can turn into other animals!
- Are the pinnacle of (parallel) evolution
- See the future
- Will smite humanity for its hubris and arrogance.
Ok, the last couple may have strayed into mythology territory again. Although… there is the fact that due to our appalling behaviour kicking off runaway climate change, octopuses are one of the few creatures that seem to be benefiting from it. And multiplying. And so, the Kraken rises again… Mwahahaha.
What is your favourite Kraken fact? Happy Kraken Day 🦑
