In Remembrance

Today is my 48th birthday. It is also the 16th anniversary of my beloved brother’s suicide.

“How horrible that he picked your birthday” acquaintances said when they learned of his death. “How could he do that to you?” or, my personal favourite, “You must be so angry.” (A word of advice…these are all things NOT to say. If you don’t know what to say, a simple “I’m sorry” is great).

Trevor was the best of my us (myself and my other 4 siblings). He lived within his means (limited) and was happy doing so. I have never met anyone who could manage money like my brother…sadly not something I picked up. He was creative. He worked with wood, drew incredible maps, and wrote wonderful poems and stories. He was loving and funny.

Unfortunately, he was also an uncle’s plaything from a very young age (I hope you are roasting in Hell uncle) until well into his teens and possibly early 20s. He paid dearly for what that uncle did to him….in the end, it cost him his life.

Why am I sharing this?

I want him to know that I still remember him just as I believe he intended when he chose my birthday to end his suffering by ending his life. I want him to know that I still, 16 years later, wish that I had known what he intended so I could have tried to help him. I want him to know that his passing has left a void in our family that will never be filled. I want him to know how sad I am that my sons never got to experience the awesomeness of Uncle Trev except for when they were too little to remember him.

But I also want to let him know that I love him as much as I always did. I want to know what mischief he and Dad are creating up there in Heaven now that they are together again. I want him to know that I still have the boxes he made me on my dresser and that I still wish he had finished my Finegan Mouse story that I endlessly pestered him about when I was young.

Most of all, I want him to know that I understand. I read the journal where the counsellors made you relive what our uncle did to you. I understand why certain events happened and I understand why you needed to leave. I know you have found peace at last even if it took you away from me. That makes me smile when missing him overwhelms me and brings me to tears.

When you check in on me today Trev, the carnations are for you. Just as there has been every year for the past 16 and will be every year in the future.

I love you, Big Brother.

♥️ “Loved and Remembered” ❤️

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