Minna I’ve been there too. I’ve been medicated for 13 years with one shot break. I will never go unmedicated again. Everything you said had me nodding in sympathy and understanding.
The hardest thing for me personally to understand was WHY? I have a great marriage, two awesome sons, a job that I love 95% of the time…..life is good…I have everything I ever wanted out of life….so WHY am I depressed?? It took my fabulous GP to finally make me understand. He asked me, “Why do some people get thyroid disease?”
“I don’t know,” I replied.
“Why do some people get cancer or diabetes or arthritis or any other disease?” he asked.
Again, I replied, “I don’t know. They are unlucky I guess.”
“Exactly!” he says to me with compassion in his eyes and voice. “There is no rhyme nor reason. You have depression — a chemical imbalance in your brain, meaning it doesn’t make enough seratonin which results in depression.”
“So, it isn’t my fault? I can’t talk myself out of it?”
“No, Rose. It is a disease. You were just unlucky.”
Minna, it was liberating! At least I finally understood the WHY. I still work on it….I have good days and bad days like you described but I no longer blame myself for being depressed.
Love and hugs to you. Know you are never alone even on those darkest of days…you always have someone thinking about you even if we have never met. ❤️❤️❤️