I’ve been going through a lot recently. I got out of a very abusive relationship that lasted way too long and almost killed me. I was evicted. I’ve been grieving over deaths in the family. The most recent death I’m grieving is the miscarriage of the peanut-sized, 7-week-old human embryo growing inside me.
I’ve had a whole lot of misfortune. I was ready for love. I thought I had it and I was so happy. It’s over now. He’s made me out to be the bad guy. He’s the victim that was just “trying to help and it backfired.”
He loved me so much. He always wanted me. He was so good and sweet and kind and i thought we connected on a deeper level than most. It seemed we always saw the world through the same window… and that was special. It meant a lot to feel so understood by someone. Or at least I thought I was understood. It turns out, I’m not. It turns out, you’re a part of the crowd inside, and I’ve been looking through this window alone.
What is love? What is love to you? Because I know what it is to me, and it’s so far from this. You’ve been Talking to so many different people about my secrets. Misrepresenting the truth to (who I thought) was the closest friend I had.
I love Tom Robbins’ book, Still Life With Woodpecker. In the book, one of the themes is the question, “how do you make love stay?” When people fall in love in the beginning, it’s fireworks! There are butterflies in your stomach and the skies seem brighter and the birds are chirping their songs in glorious harmonies… But then, eventually… it fades. Like a vibrator running out of batteries. At first it starts to slow down and then it just stops completely. Like Love. Is it possible to make love stay? Maybe, maybe not. I know one thing is for certain. Love can’t stay if it were never really there to begin with.
In my situation, a young man made me fall in love with him. He believed he was in love with me, but unfortunately, he didn’t. He loved the idea of me. He never knew me really. He saw a cute girl, down to party, fun and generous. He loved who he thought i was. Or, no, I don’t want to disgrace the word “love.” He was infatuated with the idea of me. I’ve been so depressed… just trying to get by. I thought I had someone to hold my hand through my pain, someone to lift me up- or at least just be by my side as I begin to help myself up.
Not only have I lost someone who I gave my heart to, I lost the friend I had in him before all this. He asked me to stay. He wanted me here. Now, he want me gone.
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