A Modest Proposal: Marco Rubio Should Be Jailed At Guantanamo Bay
There’s a panoply of rumors swirling around Marco Rubio right now. The madness must be contained. Or maybe Rubio must be contained — in prison.
Yesterday, CNN reported that Rubio’s senior-most advisers were calling for him to drop out of the presidential race. That led to an awkward exchange between Alex Conant (the Rubester’s communications director) and Wolf Blitzer on air.
CNN broke some news earlier tonight that Marco Rubio 's own advisors are saying he should drop out, and it's a source…www.mediaite.com
If you don’t want to click the link, here’s the gist.
Conant’s stance: Nobody talked to us. This is false. Rubio 4 Prez.
Blitzer’s stance: White beard.
Much more scandalous and noteworthy, however, are the longstanding rumors of Rubio and his mistresses. Let’s address those because they’re actually fascinating and I would assert a matter of national security. Now, in the interest of transparency it should be noted that I’ve done absolutely zero digging into these matters, and I don’t know where the line between fact and fiction should be drawn or if such a line even exists.
What I do know without a shadow of a doubt is that if these allegations are true, Marco Rubio should be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay and treated as a terrorist.
That’s right. If these rumors are true, the maximum security prison for the world’s most dangerous radicals needs to remain open so Rubio can return to the land of his forefathers. These allegations don’t constitute mere infidelity; they are the literal definition of treason. If this is fact not fiction, Marco Rubio is a terrorist hiding in a sheepish presidential candidate’s clothing, and he must be stopped!
Seriously, is there a greater betrayal of American values than the football player cheating on his cheerleader wife with this woman (per a site that I’m sure is entirely legitimate)?
Tell me Rubio shouldn’t be in GTMO. For context, this is his wife — the former NFL Cheerleader.
And a quick side-by-side to drive a point home…
That’s not a presidential-caliber affair. That’s terrorism.
Oh and then there’s this one. This woman brags about sleeping with Rubio per unnamed lobbyists per a definitely legit report from a site that accepts bitcoin donations to remain operational (because “research takes time and money.”).
This woman lobbies for Homeland Security matters in D.C. Let’s hope she lobbies for not against my call to treat Marco Rubio as a terrorist.
Lock. This. Man. Up.
Or, ignore bogus reports. Either way.
And if you’re Marco Rubio, take it all in stride. If they aren’t hating on you, you’re not winning enough (shout out to the non-state of Puerto Rico). In the words coined by 50 Cent, “If they hate then let ’em hate and watch the delegates pile up.”
Unless, you know…you actually did it. In which case I have so so SO many questions, dude.
