Once upon a time was there nothing but emptiness, and Gourd, the great sky horse god, saw that it was boring.
Declaring it boring, Gourd took it upon Their defined self to create the sky and the dirt. Also stars and moons and dark matter. And Gourd saw that it was Highly Adequate.
Gourd declared that Highly Adequate would not suffice, however, for only Godly Adequate would suffice, and so They created plants and animals and fungal growths and bacteria and other microorganisms. And Gourd saw that it was Godly Adequate.
But then Gourd declared that even Godly Adequate would not suffice, and so They created Great Metal Flying Containers filled with intelligent creatures, because that sounded totally rad. And Gourd saw that it was Pretty Dang Radical, Dude.
Unfortunately, these intelligent creatures were too intelligent and divided into factions based on the Great Metal Flying Containers of their residence, and a war broke out that left all but the faction of the Superfied Windbag Dactyl Federation destroyed.
Declaring the failure of the Great Metal Flying Containers, Gourd created a dirt planet with giant holes that it filled with water, and it created a new intelligent species to propagate it.
The leader of the Superfied Windbag Dactyl Federation, Venue, grew bitter from Gourd leaving him, and so to vent his anger he punched his cleeple off the container one by one, sending each crashing to the dirt planet. Into the dirt they stuck and their dead stuck bodies infected the planet.
The infection poisoned the plant life on the dirt planet and destroyed the entire food supply, and so Gourd smote Venue for ruining Their dirt planet and banished him to a lecture hall featuring an endless lecture on the history of dish soap.
As for the dirt planet, with no food supply, the ecosystem broke down, and before long the planet was completely empty and lifeless.
The dirt planet was not completely empty and lifeless, though, for on one part, a young man who by saving seeds, shuffling the soil, and redirecting the flow of water, created a sustainable patch of land where he could grow food and live as the lone survivor on a lifeless planet.
But then, one day, as he harvested his crops . . .
“BOW DOWN, MERE MORTAL, TO YOUR CREATOR!” a voice boomed across the sky.
“Oh gee! Oh my! What was that?” the farmer shouted, seeking the voice.
“IT IS I, GOURD, CREATOR OF THOU!” spoketh Gourd.
“Really? Gourd! Amazing! I bow to you, oh Gourd!” and the insolent farmer removed his hat and lowered his head with his arm over his chest.
“I DOTH NOT MEAN BOWING LIKE THAT!” Gourd spoketh, and They struck lightning atop the farmer’s house.
The farmer screamed and rightly fell flat against the ground with his arms forward. “Oh, yes, sorry!” he groveled.
“I SEE THAT THOU HAST CREATED A SUSTAINED LIVING DESPITE THE CORRUPTION OF THIS PLANET,” spoketh Gourd.
“Indubitably!” The farmer stood up impertinently. “You see, I determined that if these small objects inside the plants are saved and planted in the ground, then with adequate lighting, water, and chemical analysis to ensure the proper maintenance of healthy soil, I could grow and procure my own sustenance without–”
“TREASON!” Gourd shoutedeth. “THOU HAST FORSAKEN ME THROUGH THE USE OF BLASPHEMOUS SCIENCES!”
“What? But I was just– This is the only way I can survive,” the farmer foolishly argued, “I was simply–”
“SILENCE!” orderedeth Gourd. “NOW THOU HAST ARGUED AGAINST MY WORD! I DECLARE THOU GUILTY OF EVIL SCIENTIFIC PRACTICES AND THE HARBORING OF CRITICAL THINKING WITHIN THY MIND! THY PUNISHMENT IS SMITING!”
“What–”
And thus smote Gourd the farmer, his farm, and all his crops.
Now that the evil science farm was wiped off the planet, all the land was barren and desolate. To rejuvenate and purify the land, Gourd created Their own garden where the farm once was; a grand garden, lush and fruitful.
And this garden did christen Gourd the Garden of Eatin’, and Gourd saw that it was Delicious.
And Gourd did then thusly that though the thing thanklessly thinned thimble thoop. And so Gourd created to reside in this garden two creatures, Adam and Girl Adam, whom They would protect from all harm.
And these two did skip merrily and blissfully through the garden with no regards to the network effect or veblen goods or the cost-benefit analysis, mostly because economics had yet to be invented.
It was a simpler time.
“Are you sure about this?” Adam asked.
“Yeah, come on! Just pull the vine, and it’ll go!” said Girl Adam.
Adam stared at the tree, bent back to where its branches nearly touched the ground. A vine, tied to another tree, held it down as Girl Adam sat on the branches.
Gourd said They would protect them — this Adam knew — but did that really mean they should do such reckless things?
Adam pulled on the vine ever so slightly and the knot was undone. The tree snapped back up, and Girl Adam flew into the sky, her laughter and screams fading into the distance.
Boy Girl Adam sighed. Perhaps he should invent kitchens so Girl Adam could be there all day instead.
Adam then heard a sound like a gas leak, except he wouldn’t know what a gas leak was, so instead he heard a sound like something he didn’t know, but I, the author of the Best Incredible Book, Like, Ever, do know what a gas leak is, and, also, I was totally there, recording all this down, so it’s totally true!
Adam peered around and, his voice quavering with a proper fear of Gourd, asked if someone was there. A green face as big as Adam lunged out of the bushes at him, and Adam screamed.
“Yea, hey, whaddya say!” the serpent who suddenly exists in this story spoke. “The name’s Serpent. Boy, that’s original. Here’s my card.” It passed Adam a card with its tail.
“What’s this?” Adam asked, looking at the card. He could not read, having never gone to the School of Knowledge, located inside a tree. What, that wasn’t mentioned before? It was just across the garden. It was a Liberal Arts school.
“You can’t read?” the serpent asked. “Whoa, hey, you’re brainless!” In a singing voice it added, “Exploitation!”
“Hey, Adam,” said Girl Adam, returning from her trip, “who’s your new friend?”
“And here’s our leading lady!” said the serpent. It pulled Adam and Girl Adam together with its tail. “I can see it all now! The guy! The girl! The love story!” It presented a sheet of parchment to them. “I want to sell your story to Hollywood, baby!”
A great thundering like thousands of hooves stamping the ground shuddered through the air. “SERPENT!” the voice of Gourd shoutedeth.
Adam and Girl Adam cowered and bowed in the direction of the voice.
The serpent, without turning around, sighed and asked, “What do you want, Gourd?”
“WHY DOTH THOU VEX ME? A MOVIE OFFER TO MY CREATIONS? HAST THOU NO SHAME?” askedeth Gourd.
“I’m a Hollywood agent,” said the serpent, “of course I don’t!”
“THOU OFFER TO SELL THE STORY OF MY CREATIONS, AND YET NEVER HAVE I BEEN OFFERED A MOVIE CONTRACT?” Gourd spoketh.
“Wait, what?”
“SMITING FOR ALL!” decreedeth Gourd.
And Gourd smote the garden, the serpent, and Hollywood, which was located just over the hill. They also smote the hill.
Adam and Girl Adam They cast out from the smoted wreckage of the garden, and They forced Adam to get a job as an accountant. Hence the punishment to all intelligent creatures of being forced to work for a living.
Also, Adam and Girl Adam ate the School of Knowledge, which is why they now were intelligent creatures so that the punishment falls down to such.
Phew, almost ran into a plot hole there. Not gonna see any of those in this story, that’s for sure!
Adam and Girl Adam eventually had kids, and those kids had kids, and those kids had baby goats, and those baby goats ate their best clothes, so those kids sacrificed the baby goats to Gourd, and Gourd was pleased and so gave them blueprints for a society.
And it was so that Gourd chose Abrabeef to be the leader of this new society, and all was well for a time.
One day, while Abrabeef was working in the fields, he heard a voice boom across the sky:
“ABRABEEF!”
“Oh Gourd!” said Abrabeef, looking up. “Is that You, oh Lord Gourd?”
“IT IS I, ABRABEEF,” spoketh Gourd. “THOU CANST TELL BY MY FANCY FONT.”
“What is it You ask from me, Lord Gourd?” Abrabeef asked. “I am at Your command.”
“HEY, KILL THY SON,” Gourd spoketh.
Abrabeef stared at the sky. “Dear Gourd . . . Did You just ask me to kill my own son?”
“NO.”
“Oh,” Abrabeef sighed. “I was afraid that–”
“I AM ORDERING THOU TO KILL THY SON!” Gourd orderedeth.
“Really? But– But I love my son! Why do You ask me t–”
Gourd smote Abrabeef where he stood. “DO NOT QUESTION ME, MORTAL! THOU ONLY DOTH AS I SAY!” Gourd then smote Abrabeef’s son. They then smote the rest of Abrabeef’s family. They then put a new leader in charge of the society and immediately smote him, as well.
At that point Gourd probably wanted definitely wanted to start geting getting some things straight around here which is why they threw a cloud at everyone I guess, and it kind of crashed into like an important bulding building but that’s TOTALLY NOT MY I mean wasn’t the fault of the pilot of that The Cloud!
Anyway Gourd’s messenger The Duth emerged to tell everyone that they should give him some pizza. Duth then invted FIG WHY DOES WRITING HAVE TO BE SO HARD, WHY HAVEN’T YOU GUYS INVENTED AT LEAST TYPEWRITERS YET?? He invented pizza and figgin MADE THEIR LIFE BETTER FOREVER. He also helped them fix some problems in their society and made some things worse, but let’s not dwell on that latter thing, okay?
Anyway Duth then left them and went to the future and told the Archussip writer guys to write this into their holy book in order to set the record straight on how The Cloud is Gourd’s messenger since that’s basically what you idiots decided beforehand anyway, so yeah, this section is STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE’S MESSENGER’S MOUTH ITSELF, so it’s TOTAL FACT, and also the best part of this story. Everything else is downhill from there.
Actually later on there’s some dope rhymes, they’re pretty awesome. In fact, whoever wrote this those rhymes should be made a Turkey or whatever your Cool Prestige Award Level of important guy is. LOOK I KNOW YOU THINK THAT PROPHET LITERALLY SAID THOSE THINGS HIMSELF BUT HE — ugh, never mind.
A new Gourd-fearing leader arose in the society, a great respected elder, rich in family and livestock and land and gold, who would certainly do a great job.
Not everyone respected this Gourd-fearing view, however, such as a rival of Gourd’s, an evil, snide, mean, elitist, evil mechanical bone monster who would undo Gourd’s fear-giving and replace it with his evil own. And as they stood across from each other playing a literal game of chess, Gourd pointed with Their blessed hoof at one of Their many, many chess pieces.
“DOST THOU SEE HERE MINE SERVANT JORB? THEY ART QUITE GOOD AND GOURD-FEARING AND FEAR ME AND LOVE ME AND RESPECT ME AND SACRIFICE LARGE LIVESTOCK TO ME AND FEAR ME AND ARE THEREFORE GOOD AND GREAT.”
But the evil one scoffed. “They don’t fear you. You do all this good stuff for him, but that’s the only reason he likes you. If you stopped doing stuff for him, he’d hate you, and without anything bad he has nothing to fear, especially you.”
“OH YEAH, WANNA BET?”
“Sure. Let me ruin him, and then we’ll see how much he cares for and fears you.”
“FINE, JUST DON’T KILL HIM.”
And so the evil one brought forth plagues to Jorb and his livestock, fires spread throughout his land, his family turned from him and started sucking up to some rich uncle who would probably die soon.
And thus did Jorb curse Gourd for leaving him, cursed Them without fear.
“See?” the evil one said.
“HOW DARE HE. I SHOULD GO DOWN THERE AND SET HIM STRAIGHT. MAYBE BY SMITING.”
“Pride is a terrible thing.”
“AGREED. HE SHOULDN’T BE SO PRIDEFUL.”
“Oh, I meant you.”
“WHAT?”
“You’re the one who boasted of him to begin with, after all. Had you not been so prideful of him, he never would have experienced all these hardships.”
And Gourd then rightly smote the chessboard by flipping it with Their blessed hooves and cast the evil one into a black hole. Meanwhile, Jorb died.
Gourd had other great cleeple to follow Them, though, such as Joey, a young lad with Gourd’s blessing. He was super handsome and brave and smart, and he did really good in school and all the girls liked him but they were too shy to admit it, and his brothers were super jealous so one day they tried to beat him up but Joey had Gourd’s blessing, and because he was super handsome and brave and smart he beat them back, telling to them,
“Do not fight against Gourd’s blessing, for he who has Gourd’s blessing is awesome and way better.”
So as a revenge, Joey’s brothers tried to throw him down a pit, but he was too super handsome and brave and smart and climbed out, tossing them into the pit instead, and he said to them,
“Do not fight against Gourd’s blessing, for he who has Gourd’s blessing is awesome and way better.”
His brothers then tried to get rid of him by selling him into slavery to some foreigners, but Joey used his super handsome and brave and smart blessings from Gourd and doubled the foreigners’ pay so they would buy his brothers into slavery, and as they were taken away in chains Joey said to them,
“Do not fight against Gourd’s blessing, for he who has Gourd’s blessing is awesome and way better.”
Joey then proved that he was super handsome and brave and smart but also merciful, as he took his brothers back from slavery and slew the filthy foreigners. Thus was Joey loved by his brothers for being super handsome and brave and smart.
And so did Joey grow to be a super handsome and brave and smart man, and he became a leader of the society where he laid down the rules from Gourd’s blessing, telling to the cleeple,
“Never leave a candle burning longer than three hours. Three hours is the limit you should leave a candle burning. No more than three hours for a burning candle. And,
“Do not leave your door open, for nasty birds and filthy foreigners may come pecking at your door for food. Birds and foreigners will peck at your door for food should you leave it open too often. Door: stay closed. And,
“Paint your walls side to side, not up and down. Side to side motions is how you shall paint your walls. Paint should be painted from one side to the other and not in a motion perpendicular to that. And,
“Never leave a candle burning longer than three hours. Three hours is the limit you should leave a candle burning. No more than three hours for a burning candle. And,
“Give me five bucks. Five bucks is what you shall give me. Five dollars equals money I am being given by you.”
And super handsome and brave and smart Joey was.
And with Gourd’s blessing did Joey get granted extra lives, 99 extra lives, for 99 extra years did Joey live, and with his super handsome and brave and smart blessings he found more extra lives, and had the highest score of any in the land, and obtained 99 extra lives, for 99 extra years did Joey live, and with his super handsome and brave and smart blessings he found more extra lives, and had the highest score of any in the land, and obtained 99 extra lives, for 99 extra years did Joey live, and with his super handsome and brave and smart blessings he found more extra lives, and had the highest score of any in the land, and obtained 99 extra lives, for 99 extra years did Joey live.
And then he died.
To Gourd’s side he was blessed, while the cleeple, unable to live without him, no longer knew how to survive on their own. Thus did society collapse without Joey’s super handsome and brave and smart blessings with them.
No, seriously, he was super handsome and brave and smart, and he was my dad and passed all those traits down to me, so that means I’m totally destined for greatness too! So there! And I do have a girlfriend! She just goes to another school, in another country, a super exotic country, and she’s really great and you’ll probably never meet her, which is just too bad for you.
Over time were the good old ways forgotten, and thus was the lush land devastated by desertification, dooming it to be a destitute and desolate desert. A new leader came forth, an evil and vile clerpson who forced many into slavery, building for him giant, triangular buildings made of stone cubes in some mockery of geometry. His only known alias: Mr. Pyramid.
“Hey, scribes, get in here!” shouted Mr. Pyramid in his golden office. His scribes scrambled into the room, and their boss leaned back in his big office armchair.
“Alright, get this down, ya nerds. I’m making a proclamation. All of those families what worship that Gourd fella? They have any kids, and they’ll be thrown into da nile . . . ‘scuse me, denial of health coverage. Got it? All newborns of Gourd worshippers get no health insurance. Nada. Zilch. Zero.”
And so it came to pass that those born into families worshipping Gourd were denied health coverage. Without it they would surely be unable to pay their health care costs and would eventually perish.
What Mr. Pyramid did not know, however, was that one family sent their infant out of his controlled lands to an exceptional land in the west, a nation that had the greatest health care system in the world.
And, when that healthy infant became a strong and able-bodied adult, he vowed to return to his homeland and free his cleeple from the tyranny of Mr. Pyramid.
For many years in the land of Mr. Pyramid the believers of Gourd slaved, but one day a lone figure entered the land. His tall boots kicked up dust, his wide hat left a shadow on the ground, and his big gun promised that whether he was a good guy or not, he was a good guy with a gun.
He was Mosey, he who would lead his cleeple to freedom.
“Howdy, y’olks,” Mosey spoke, tipping his hat to them. “I’ve come here to free y’all from the tyranny of that Pyramid fella.”
The cleeple put aside their slave labor to follow him through the wild desert.
Eventually they arrived to the sea, and there Mr. Pyramid’s soldiers appeared to corner them.
“Hey, no worries, y’olks,” Mosey said. He pointed to the sea. “Gourd’ll help us out by splitting the sea and making a path to the Holy Ravioli Land!”
At that time, Gourd decided that the current society had been a failure, and so They flooded the planet with rains and tidal waves until all was undersea.
One clerpson survived this flooding, by riding inside the shell of a giant clam. Gourd smote the clerpson and the giant clam.
And so did it rain for forty days and forty nights. The deserts were reduced to undersea mush, the plains were flooded endlessly, trees were drowned, rainforests became seaforests, and even the tallest peaks of the tallest mountains were swallowed up by the waters.
The entire planet became one endless ocean, with a seafloor so deep that the powerful pressures broke the surface. Cracks formed across the planet until finally it split. The planet shattered from the intense, waterlogged pressures into four chunks.
These four chunks then rotated around the sun, spinning on an axis, their velocity increasing until they had become reshaped into four spheres: four new planets.
Gourd then smote one of the planets, decreeing that four planets were too many and that three would be more balanced.
And Gourd saw that it was all Very Plausible.
The first of the three new planets was dubbed Derantu, and it was there that a new society flourished.
But, as is often the case, the rulers of this society were jerks, because it’s always the followers of Gourd who are being put down by those gosh-darn atheists.
So those who believed in Gourd were sad for a time. Eventually Gourd chose a newborn to become a prophet, an infant born in a stable as befitting a prophet of Gourd.
This new prophet, adopted by Gourd as Their son, would lead the followers of Gourd out of their great depression as the wubbulous Dr. Jesus.
One day, as a group of cleeple sat down to a sad meal of pork, seafood, snake, snails, hair, polyester, and cake, Dr. Jesus approached them.
“Yea there, friends, acquaintances, chum,
“Tell me now, why so glum?”
“Oh, Dr. Jesus,” spoke a pointless clerpson, “though we may have material wealth, and also, delicious frankfurters, we are so far from connecting with our lord, Gourd! Tell us what we can do to find that love, because apparently the love of our friends and family isn’t doing it for us.”
And in response did Dr. Jesus speak thusly:
“It’s simple, it’s easy; it’s a piece of cake;
“The first thing you do is throw out this cake.
“These clams are unclean, as is fish and ham;
“In fact throw it all out, especially the spam.
“Don’t wear polyester, and spandex is sin;
“Don’t wear shorts or a hat or another man’s skin.
“Oh, the sins you may find!
“Don’t let them enter your mind.
“Make sure you stay away from pork rinds.
“Don’t wear any silver; don’t wear bronze or gold.
“If you win the Olympics, ask for a medal of mold.
“Don’t get a tattoo, on your clothes have no stain;
“You may drink alcohol but do not drink the rain.
“Don’t take an offer, for it is a sham,
“Should one offer to you green eggs and ham.
“Green eggs and ham you must not eat,
“Not with a beet,
“Not with The Cheat.
“Do not eat red fish,
“Do not eat blue fish,
“Do not eat any number of fish,
“For they are a deadly, deadly dish.
“These hallucinogenics are very bad,
“If you use them, Gourd will be very sad.
“Hoarding money you should never do,
“Spend it all, for hoarding’s poison to you.
“And should you discover a scandal of doom,
“Ignore it; whistleblowing’s a sin to your tomb.
“Your leaders are trustworthy; your friends are suspicious.
“Everything’s poisonous if it’s delicious.
“Gourd is the only one you can believe in;
“Everyone else is always deceivin’.
“The wind and the sun is a government plot,
“Natural gas you should flare quite a lot.
“A wage of more than five bucks is a sin;
“Reading is bad; television is in.
“You should always make sure that your clock is set right,
“Always follow your orders, and for nothing fight.
“However, clouds are fine, and you will not choke,
“It’s just the angels’ tobacco smoke.
“He tu–”
“What is going on in here?” The emperor’s soldiers entered the scene, guns aimed at everyone.
“Dr. Jesus is telling us how to be closer to Gourd!” said a young lad who was unimportant.
Spoke Dr. Jesus:
“I suggest that you take my advice,
“Do not eat brown but only white rice.”
“He’s rhyming!” shouted a soldier. “Take him!” The soldiers grabbed Dr. Jesus. “The emperor has strictly outlawed rhyming due to the inability of anyone associated with the state to rhyme!”
“The punishment is death,” said another soldier, “so take your last breath!”
The soldiers shouted. “He’s a double agent! Kill him!”
The soldiers captured the one amid shouts of the rhyme being an accident, and they carried them off to the fields.
At the field they nailed Dr. Jesus up onto a cross, nailed that cross to a wheel, and spun the wheel with him on it. They then threw knives at him as he spun. Whoever landed a knife in the head won a cheap carnival prize.
And so it was that Dr. Jesus was executed. However, one week later, he rose from his tomb and returned to the city.
The populace fled in fear of the Zombie Jesus, fearing for their mortal, tasty flesh. The cleeple declared the son of Gourd a monster.
Gourd thus smote Dr. Jesus and everyone who saw him as a zombie to keep believers from fleeing the faith in fear of the zombie uprising. Gourd then proceeded to murder great swaths of the population, and great swaths of the population were murdered. Through these deaths the society came to fear and love Gourd as their eternal ruler, because fear is definitely the same thing as love. Fear and love came into their hearts as their hearts were filled with love and fear, and Gourd was their eternal ruler by being their eternal ruler after Gourd murdered great swaths of the population, which They did by murdering great swaths of the population. Fear and love.
Gourd now sought a way to deliver judgment upon the masses when Their divine plan would reach its fruition. They brought forth the Forehorses of the Apocalypse. These three skeletal equines made plans and would supervise and oversee the end days.
“I’ve got us a simple enough idea,” said the first forehorse. “We’ll build a tower. A huge tower! It’ll be a tower built up to the heavens themselves!”
DOES THAT NOT GO AGAINST GOURD’S LAW? asked the second forehorse in a voice like carbon coffins dropping into granite graves.
“Hmm. Well, it might,” said the first. “Okay then, we’ll wait until the mortals build a tower to the heavens. What they won’t know is that it’ll be filled to the brim with bombs! They try to enter that tower, and kablooie! The whole world gets blown up!”
The third forehorse inquired as to why the mortals would fill their own tower with explosives.
“Oh yeah,” said the first. “Well, maybe we would fill it with bombs after they build it. Look, I don’t see you coming up with any ideas.”
The third forehorse suggested that they involve a board game in some fashion.
“Ooh, I love games! Okay, forget my idea, let’s go with yours. We’ll put a little bit of fun into the apocalypse!”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “FUN”?
“Well, fun for us, anyway.”
YES, BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “FUN”?
The third forehorse explained that the apocalypse would be a pleasurable activity as opposed to one of just pain and sorrow.
AH, YES, THE SORT OF STUFF MORTALS ENJOY.
The first forehorse whispered to the third, “Is it just me, or does he give off some creepy vibes, hm?”
WHAT GAME SHALL WE UTILIZE FOR THE APOCALYPSE?
The third forehorse suggested, for a sense of irony, the Game of Life.
IRONY?
“You really don’t have no imagination in that immobile head of yours, do you?” the first foreman said.
AFRAID NOT.
“Anyway, the way I see it going, everyone gets pulled into a game of the Game of Life, and how they do in that determines their ultimate fate in the afterlife. Surprise! All that trying to be a good clerpson in your real life had no bearing on anything at all!”
HOW CRUEL. JUST LIKE REAL LIFE.
“Huh. Maybe you do have some imagination in you, after all.”
And thus were the rules of the ending of the world written: any time someone played a board game, the apocalypse would come. The apocalypse would be 2–4 players — those who were single would be barred from joining. Each player would choose a color and place their token at start.
Then life would begin.
The Game of Life.
And Gourd always wins.
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