Sexual Abuse: My Story
For a long time, I didn’t believe that I had the right to say that I was sexually abused. Not because it didn’t happen or because I was making it up in my head, but because both my abuser and I were only three years old. At the time, I didn’t know what was happening. I was too young and I just assumed that I had to go along with whatever she wanted to do. The abuse occurred multiple times throughout the course of a year until my parents had finally discovered what was going on.
They blamed me for it. I remember them sitting me down and continuously asking me why I did it while they were trying to contact the girl’s parents. The only thing I could do was shrug and tell them that I didn’t know. I didn’t see that girl for around another four years and when I finally did I kept wondering if she was going to make me do anything. I moved to California a couple of years later and, over time, I had completely forgotten about the abuse.
Once I was 16, however, the memories came back and with them came the realization of what actually happened. For three days after I initially remembered the experiences, I wasn’t able to look at myself in the mirror. I felt disgusted with my body and I hated myself for what happened. I eventually got to the point where it didn’t affect me on a daily basis and I was able to live with it until I got to college.
I gave my virginity to an older man while I was attending California State University, Chico. I thought I knew what I wanted at the time but I regretted it instantly. The entire encounter felt intrusive and belittling and I let him talk me into things that I didn’t want to do. When he dropped me back off, I felt the same that I had when I first remembered the abuse. I felt the pit grow in my stomach as I avoided my reflection in the mirror for the next week.
Every now and then, the memories come back. Until recently, I never actually knew what to call my situation and whether or not I had the right to say that I was sexually abused. Luckily, while I was searching for information that could help me gain some clarification on my situation, I came across this website.
It’s not going to remove the memories from my head or completely heal me of the abuse, but it did allow me to accept my situation and to finally realize that what had happened to me had a name. By writing this article, I hope that I can help others who have gone through a similar experience. Know that what you’re going through is real even though you might not have yet realized the gravity of it all. You’re not alone.
