How did it happen?

I kept trying to recall what happened a year ago which led me to think back 7 years. And this is really a torture for me because of my bad memory. Some say it’s because I lack certain vitamin that my brain needs. I tried taking Ginkgo biloba for a while but failed to improve. At times I just give up thinking because of my cluttered thoughts and forgetfulness, I’m happier that way. However difficult, I seriously want to clear the air and put some real effort into building a genuine and special friendship — melt the Big Ice Mountain…

Like me, my eldest son (Bray) has sinus problem since 5months old. I spent lots of money on his healthcare ever since I was pregnant with him. I had an immediate cesarean because his heart beat dropped during contraction which I was ashamed to admit that I didn’t feel any contractual pain at all. I thank goddess of mercy for a quick, smooth and unpainful delivery. As a firm believer of medical science, I didn’t challenge my very experienced Gynecologist’s decision to cut me open on that spot. Des (my man) showed disappointment when we were informed that Bray was born with eye ptosis. I researched and found that it may be genetically inheritance — applied to my bro and dad too. I felt the pressure from family members who think I produced a weak offspring. Fortunately under the recommendation of few kind kindred, we found a Specialist to perform surgery on Bray at 9month old and maintained his vision capability. As he progressed to become a toddler, he fell sick every 2 weeks. It was stressful for working mum like me as I had to take urgent leave quite often to look after him. Many advised me to give up my career, quit school or criticize on my moral as a mother. In law expectation was another challenge to manage as it’s their first grandchild! Hurtful comments such as poor genes and unhealthy milk production were made quite often and I’m so immune. I spent quite a bit of time every night researching on help for Bray. I also tried to look for those professional whom I had seen and helped my sinus condition in the past…

I remembered that it was a night before mid-autumn festival. Through another cyber platform, I read about some medical articles and bookmarked the page. Subsequently, I found the owner of the page familiar and regularly go back for useful updates. It went on for about 2 months until one day I changed my profile picture and status comment in a mobile communication app while waiting for the public transport. Visiting the owner’s page again makes me feel rather weird as if the comments made in his page were somehow directed at my profile picture and status comment. I was nonchalant at first but crazy thought came to my mind to test out if it was true. I began to change profile pictures and comment in relevance to the owner’s profession and responding to his posts. As I did it more frequently, I was almost convinced that my senses are right. But I was still doubtful by the fact that the owner wouldn’t have known my mobile number. I’ve not seen the owner for a long time and changed my number a few years back. I was afraid to ask people for help in reasoning this incident logically because I couldn’t be sure that Des or my besties would find me sane. I couldn’t believe such a thing would happen to me and it felt so fiction. My appetite was affected for a few months because I couldn’t take this matter off my mind. And I know when I’m not eating well; it means serious business, although it feels good to be complimented that I slimmed down within a short period.

One morning in March this year, I woke up and found Bray with running nose. The usual mother instinct told me that he was unwell and needed medication. As I ran out of medication, I brought him to the Pediatrician. It was the usual long queue at the clinic but we got our medicine eventually after an hour wait. Looking at my watch that showed only 9.30am, I decided to take time off instead of a day’s leave and sent him to the school (he wasn’t running a fever). I couldn’t remember how I drove my way to office and ended up at the owner’s business place. I guess it was my impulsiveness and eagerness to find out the truth that brought me there. I didn’t prepare myself what to say if we met and what kind of response I would receive. Like I always do when I feel like it, I can’t blame anyone of the hopeless turnout. I feel absolutely rejected and felt completely stupid for the hour wait under the hot afternoon sun…

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