State of confusion
After failing my third attempt, I decided to give myself a break. A period of time to consolidate my thoughts on what had happened and decide on a way to move forward.
I know I need to stop my “stalking” behaviour online so I tried to meditate whenever my mind wander off to think about the matter and person. Recalling the period when I would woke up middle of the night because my mind couldn’t stop thinking of whether my gut feel is right, what could have lead to this and how he felt, it was difficult without having a person to help me straighten my thoughts.
By chance, I joined my family for a short getaway, hoping to put things behind. My phone was switched off at all times during the vacation which I thought would help me in my mental recovery. Maybe it’s good not to know too much and go with the flow. I didn’t bother to find out the itinerary of the trip and followed them blindly wherever they brought me to. It turned out to be a very memorable and enriching trip for me. I was brought far away from city and had to spend nights in rural places with simple meals. The unappealing plain porridge was in fact the best stuff that I had throughout the vacation. My Uncle being an extreme explorer made us walk non stop but we take our own sweet time and laugh alot throughout the tiring journey. Witnessing how simple life can be makes me feel at ease and hopeful that I can bring these attitude back home and stay cool when dealing with difficult situation and people. I benefitted a lot from that unplanned vacation which enlightened my troubled mind at that time.
Just when I thought I was done with my nonsense and ready to move on, I switched on my phone on my last day of my vacation to check on something and by norm checked out his posts again. Instead of restricting myself deliberately, I decided to go with the flow. Such behaviour will stop eventually in a natural way. Very importantly, I mean no harm..