Between the lines: Sepp Blatter’s resignation speech.

When Sepp Blatter resigned from Fifa last night with a highly cryptic and not particularly apologetic-sounding speech, I couldn’t resist giving it the treatment. What could it all possibly mean?

Take it away, Sepp!

(Here’s the speech in full. The italics are my unscientific interpretation.)

I have been reflecting deeply about my presidency and about the 40 years in which my life has been inextricably bound to Fifa and the great sport of football.

40 years, people. Think I got here by being a nice guy? Think again.

I cherish Fifa more than anything and I want to do only what is best for Fifa and for football.

If you expect me to let this sweet gig go without a fight, you’re out of your mind.

I felt compelled to stand for re-election, as I believed that this was the best thing for the organisation.

You’re going to have to prise it out of my cold, dead hands is what I’m saying.

That election is over but Fifa’s challenges are not.

Apparently my old tricks aren’t working any more.

Fifa needs a profound overhaul.

Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of new ones.

While I have a mandate from the membership of Fifa, I do not feel that I have a mandate from the entire world of football — the fans, the players, the clubs, the people who live, breathe and love football as much as we all do at Fifa.

Until now, the support of my cronies was sufficient. But apparently the world of football involves all these other ‘people’, and they’re not going to shut up.

Therefore, I have decided to lay down my mandate at an extraordinary elective congress. I will continue to exercise my functions as Fifa president until that election.

So I’m trying a different tack. I won’t say ‘resign’ as that implies I care what you think. (I don’t.) And I’m in no hurry either.

The next ordinary Fifa congress will take place on 13 May 2016 in Mexico City. This would create unnecessary delay and I will urge the executive committee to organise an extraordinary congress for the election of my successor at the earliest opportunity.

Technically, I’ve asked my lackeys to move things along a bit.

This will need to be done in line with Fifa’s statutes and we must allow enough time for the best candidates to present themselves and to campaign.

But we all know nothing’s happening any time soon — giving me plenty of time to plot my next move.

Since I shall not be a candidate, and am therefore now free from the constraints that elections inevitably impose, I shall be able to focus on driving far-reaching, fundamental reforms that transcend our previous efforts.

As soon as I get the honorary lifetime position that’s inevitably coming my way, I’ll be unstoppable.

For years, we have worked hard to put in place administrative reforms, but it is plain to me that while these must continue, they are not enough.

And I’m coming for you, you bastards.

The executive committee includes representatives of confederations over whom we have no control, but for whose actions Fifa is held responsible. We need deep-rooted structural change.

Heads will roll. Starting with those traitors UEFA.

The size of the executive committee must be reduced and its members should be elected through the Fifa congress. The integrity checks for all executive committee members must be organised centrally through Fifa and not through the confederations.

Followed by an all-out cull of the unworthy. Only the loyal will survive.

We need term limits not only for the president but for all members of the executive committee.

Even then, you’ll be on short leashes. Every last one of you.

I have fought for these changes before and, as everyone knows, my efforts have been blocked. This time, I will succeed.

There will be nowhere to hide from my LIMITLESS POWER!

I cannot do this alone. I have asked Domenico Scala to oversee the introduction and implementation of these and other measures.

Meet Lurch.

Mr Scala is the independent chairman of our audit and compliance committee elected by the Fifa congress. He is also the chairman of the ad hoc electoral committee and, as such, he will oversee the election of my successor.

Lurch knows where all the bodies are buried.

Mr Scala enjoys the confidence of a wide range of constituents within and outside of Fifa and has all the knowledge and experience necessary to help tackle these major reforms.

He also has witnesses who are done keeping quiet. Translation: you are going DOWN.

It is my deep care for Fifa and its interests, which I hold very dear, that has led me to take this decision. I would like to thank those who have always supported me in a constructive and loyal manner as president of Fifa and who have done so much for the game that we all love.

Make no mistake, I’ll stop at nothing to keep what’s mine. Come, minions!

What matters to me more than anything is that when all of this is over, football is the winner.

Look, there’s Pelé!

[Disappears in puff of smoke, carrying huge piles of cash.]