Atlantis Gay Cruises: Everything You Need to Know to Cruise Like a Pro
Imagine if an entire city of 5,000 people were gay, and all decided to take a week off with no exceptions or interruptions to vacation together. People are incredibly friendly and greet/hug each other in the halls. You can be as gay as you want and eat at the buffet in your jock strap and harness if you like. The usual friction points to hooking up are gone — you walk from your room to the parties on the top deck that are under a warm tropical moon, if you find someone hot you take them down to your room a minute away, and you can rejoin the party afterwards. I’ve literally met people in the halls and f*ked them minutes later. No uber/waiting in line to get thru security/clothes check/etc…, and you can take a break and come back any time you like. The whole trip is prepaid, so you never have to think about paying for food/transportation/entertainment (except for alcohol) and compared to a regular vacation, it’s cheaper. There’s a different costume party every night, sometimes also an afternoon tea dance. People get really into costumes, and it’s a great icebreaker to walk up to someone and compliment theirs.
Broadly speaking, there are two groups on the boats: the party-boy circuit gays, and the showtunes gays. Because they keep different hours, sometimes they’re not even aware of each others’ existence! The circuit gays come to party hard, see and be seen, touch and be touched, and sometimes don’t even bother getting off in port. The showtunes gays are there for poolside lounging, food, getting waited on, cocktails, and cabaret shows. The mix varies depending on which cruise, with the Fall Mexico and January Caribbean drawing the wildest partiers.
My personal preference is the smaller ships, it’s easier to meet people because I find people on the big ships stratify into the normal gay cliche subgroups and suffer from “too many fish” syndrome, ie “why bother with you when there’s probably someone cuter around the corner.” At 5,000 people, you’ll have friends on the boat you’ll never even know were there the whole time; at 2,000 people, once you meet someone you bump into them often, but it’s still enough people that you don’t feel like you’re constantly stuck with the same group. Plus Mexico, where you’ll usually find the smaller boats, is the cheapest cruise, so it attracts a younger audience, and it’s west coast, so it’s more folks who look like me (non-white) and friendlier. The main draws on the big cruises for me are the headlining DJs (Galantis, Above & Beyond, Gareth Emery, Marcus Schultz, etc…)
It’s a great way to meet people from across the world, I have many close friends from Seattle, Vancouver, London, Singapore, etc… that I met on the cruises. Even for me, someone who is unabashedly gay 99.9% of the time and lives in one of the world’s great Gay Mecca cities, it’s a revelation and a very special experience to feel totally liberated and never worry about what straight people think of you. It’d be hard to create that any other way; Pride used to come close, but the basic premise of gathering on what’s essentially a floating city is pretty hard to duplicate.
The downsides are the harsh reality that kicks back in when you step off the ship and start cruise withdrawal, the environmental, safety, and labor ethics issues, and to some degree the circuit culture body dysmorphia issues.
Booking/Planning
- The vibe of the cruise depends heavily on the route and the boat. The Mexico cruise is very different from the Mediterranean; the small boats are very different from the mega-ships.
- It’s possible to book adjacent rooms with your friends, which makes pregame parties and kikis easier
- Since the cruises book up almost a year in advance, often relationship statuses change between booking and sail date 🙃
- The roommate share program will assign you someone almost completely at random. If you’re flying solo and want to share a room (keep in mind prices listed are per person, not per room) it’s better to get on the Facebook or Telegram group for that cruise and find someone yourself
- Cabins towards the middle of the ship are less prone to boat movement
- Beware of being too close to the elevators or the dance floor (noise) or too far (convenience). An experienced gay travel agent can help you optimize for this
- You’ll get the costume themes ~3 wks in advance
- Avoid having an elaborate costume for every single party, it can feel like you’re spending hours a day getting into costume (because o you are ;), especially on days with a tea dance, and you’ll feel more pressured to go to all of them if you have a costume for each
- The Atlantis “vacation guide” PDF will come ~2 wks in advance, containing port details etc…
- Register with the cruise line using the booking # in the email, enter all your info 72h in advance
- Pay attention to COVID testing rules, it can be tricky to time your results properly (not too early, not too late)
- It’s usually cheaper to prepay for internet; you’ll need it on the big boats to find your friends, otherwise you’ll never see them
Packing
- Pack an outlet strip, there are very few outlets in the cabins
- Bring earplugs (duh), I recommend these
- Download music in advance
- Bring cash to tip your cabin steward. They’ll be cleaning up after a LOT.
- Bring lights/decoration for your cabin
- Bring magnetic whiteboard pens/an adhesive whiteboard sheet or a magnetic whiteboard
- Bring craft adhesive letters for putting your names on your door, and print a few photos
- Decorating your hallway makes it easier to find your room among the maze of identical halls. Sometimes decorations are not allowed for fire code reasons
- Bring warm outfits or layer options for dog tag/white party. The top deck where these parties are held is usually cold at the beginning and end of the cruise
- Bring painters tape to hang lights/photos
- Bring cruise cards, but don’t put your cabin # on them, so you can re-use them on the next cruse. You can write it in on the cards if you want it there
- Your US departure/return port will ALWAYS have sniffer dogs and TSA-style security. The DEA/CBP is 100% aware of what goes on at Atlantis and people regularly get arrested
- Keep a backpack of essentials so you can send your luggage on board with the porter (this is step 1 when you arrive at port) and not have to drag it the whole length of the check-in process. It may take a few hours for your luggage to reappear at your room, so keep what you’ll need with you
- Pack powdered coffee or energy drink mix and a shaker bottle for when you’re too lazy to leave your cabin to get it
On Board
- SAY HI TO EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, even if they’re not your type. That’s the norm here, and it makes it more fun for everyone!
- Your first day or so, you’ll feel slightly off as you adjust to the motion of the boat. Some people experience this worse than others; the boats generally offer free dramamine etc…
- Watch for ship security, don’t do anything obvious in front of them. Friends have been kicked off the boat in port with no refund when caught by security
- Plan out your alphabet schedule. Be strategic and pace yourself
- Each day you’ll get a schedule, which may deviate from the original schedule (ports, times, etc). It’ll also generally be available in the ship’s app
- Get a good photo of your costume each day before it gets messed up/comes off
- You can layer off your costume at your room as the night progresses
- Don’t feel bad about missing a show, many of them have repeats, and the quality can vary
- Don’t feel bad about missing a party, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. If you go hard for every single party, you’ll die.
- Suite parties are a thing. If you’re lucky, you’ll get invited to one
- The Dick Deck is a thing. It’s usually underwhelming IMHO, and the cruise line frowns on it
- Make sure to get enough sleep. This won’t be the last cruise ever, the entertainers, party themes and ports tend to repeat, so you’ll have plenty of chances to do the same stuff next time.
- You’ll be offered the chance to book another cruise at a discount onboard the boat. Decide ahead what your next cruise will be so you can take advantage of the discount if you plan to do another.
- Take a moment during a party to walk up to the level above, by yourself or with someone special, and look at the sunset, moon, and sunrise over the water
Cabin
- Do not hide things in your safe (you’re not the only one with access; it’s first place they’ll look), or leave them out in your room
- Request extra towels for guests to use
- The beds are two double beds that can be combined into a queen (with an awkward mattress line in the middle) or separated. Just ask your cabin steward
- Cabin-to-cabin calls and voicemail are free; calls to land exorbitantly expensive
- Be sure to keep the balcony door closed/locked, or the AC won’t run
- Use the do not disturb sign/switch, otherwise your cabin steward will try to get in 2x/day
- Don’t play on the balcony if you can see land. People have been arrested by local authorities that have anti-gay laws even without setting foot on land
- You can unscrew the shower head for cleaning out 🤪
Food
- The boats offer three dining options: the free, usually 24-hour buffet; the table-service dining room, usually open for brunch/dinner, and upcharge “specialty” restaurants with either prix fixe menus or a-la-carte. Quality is higher in the dining room, and the menu has both a list of new daily choices and a “favorites” list of backups that are always available
- The buffet may scale back significantly or close off-hours, sometimes shunting traffic to a smaller venue elsewhere
- You can hack the dining room menu to share; you can order unlimited quantities of any item
- Upcharge restaurants IMHO are generally not worth it. Dress code is minimal (no gym shorts, tanks) if you do.
- Room service is usually free (sometimes it depends on when) but low quality
- Be sure to eat! Your stomach will thank you; you’re draining calories a lot faster than you usually would, asking it to handle much more substances in a row than a weekend of partying, and being keto won’t help you now!
- Mind the dining hours/stockpile in your cabin for times when there’s nothing good open/when you’ll be hungry post-party. The buffet and dining room will let you take plates to go
- Drip coffee, tea, and definitely-high-fructose-corn-syrup-and-food-coloring “juice” are free. You can hack the extremely sugary juice by flavoring your water with a brief squirt of it instead. You can hack the coffee by pouring it over a full cup of ice
- Bulk purchase alcohol and soda packages are available, or sometimes drink ticket specials; sometimes cheaper if purchased before boarding
Ports
- Shore excursions usually overpriced, but they’ll wait for you to be back on board if they’re delayed
- Often you can book your own activities for less — you can use the official list/descriptions of the shore excursions as a guide for what to do in port
- Don’t feel bad about missing a port. Some of them are not that interesting, and the boat may be there odd and brief hours, and many have depressing levels of poverty. Some are completely fake, IE “Labadee” which is a part of Haiti owned by Royal Carribbean, with all supplies brought in from the ship, and with local vendors banned
- Some ports require taking a smaller ship (tender) to get to shore. Factor in how much time this takes.
Recovery
- Intensity of the security screening returning to the US varies. Be prepared for the worst
- Start cleaning up and packing your room early. You have to be out of your stateroom super-ass early (8 AM), before you even have to get off the boat, so they can clean it for the next cruise. If you pack ahead and get your luggage out to the hall the night before, porters will take it off the boat for you
- Getting back to real life is hard — both from the physical exhaustion, comedown, and suddenly having to face the real world after a week of low-friction everything. Consider taking the last day easy.
- Many people (including myself) get Mal de Debarquement syndrome (MdDS) a proven but poorly understood and untreatable phenomenon also known as “land legs,” where it feels like the room is rocking even when you’re on land. This can last several days or even weeks, but goes away on its own. During this time, it can be hard to use a computer.
