The morning after our first overnight date, after a long snuggle and some extra touching and kissing “for the road,” we climbed out of our warm bed, and walked out of my flat together. Benjamin got into his car to pick up Mia, his wife, and I walked to the café where we would all be meeting for breakfast.
Yes. I was intentionally meeting my lover’s wife.
And yes, she knew about me. He was picking her up from her date’s flat and soon I would be sitting across from them both, with a cappuccino in my hand, making polite conversation, and taking a giant step forward in this polyamorous life.
If you are not polyamorous, this probably seems preposterous. Even some poly people don’t meet metamours (a partner of your partner), but for us, this seemed like a logical and necessary step to take in the very beginning of our relationship.
Yes, our relationship! No, I am not in a sexual relationship with his wife, but because we are both knowingly and willingly in a relationship with Benjamin, that expands the wavelengths of our relationships to each other.
This was the first time for all of us, meeting metamours. Benjamin and Mia were even newer to this way of life than I was, and this weekend was the first time either of them had even been on solo dates, not just “play dates” together. It was a pretty big moment in a lot of ways. I was nervous. I suspect they were too.
I wondered how Mia would feel about meeting me. After all, I had literally climbed out of bed with her husband after a hot night of kinky sex and rolled down the street to meet her. Granted, she was also freshly out of the bed of her lover, but Benjamin wasn’t the one going to have to be nice to this guy over a cup of coffee, an omelet, and some french toast.
One thing I already admired about them as a couple was their level of communication. I knew from my many conversations with him, (which frequently had input from Mia as well; photos, comments, back and forth phone calls) was that they seemed to do a really good job of feeling into their needs and desires and determining together what they could and couldn’t handle. This gave me a level of confidence in meeting them together, that I might not have had otherwise. I felt secure in the fact that she was a full participant in both their lifestyle and in arranging for this meeting.
Many poly people find that meeting the partners of our partners helps maintain our relationships and makes the poly life simpler.
Curbs the Jealous Beast
One of my poly friends told me, “When I meet her other partners, it takes away all the crazy imaginations in my mind. I see him for what he is, just a guy. A normal every day man. That makes me realize he is not superman and there is no reason for me to be jealous. Furthermore, he is a really nice guy who treats her well, so I don’t have to worry about her safety or well-being when she is with him. “
In Case of Emergency Call…
Knowing your metamours can be very helpful in times of crisis. I know that if something happens to Benjamin, Mia will call me and let me know, and she knows that if she needs help and support, I will be there for them in any way I can. Kind of the, “It takes a village” principle.
Also, when complicated interpersonal situations arise, (and trust me, they will,) it’s nice to be able to just pick up the phone and talk to the other person. It is never a good idea to make your partner to be the go between, when a simple conversation between two adults could probably quickly resolve most situations before they get out of hand.
Easier Social Situation Decisions
One of my other partners, William, expressed one reason he would like his partners to meet each other is so he could have a birthday party or a summer barbeque and include the people he cares about. ALL of us. He would prefer not to have to pick and choose who he gets to spend time with that day. He would like to spend time with us all. I mean who doesn’t want all the special people in their lives to be part of important social events?
Successful Relationship Negotiations
The Relationship Bill of Rights*, is a common tool used to help negotiate poly relationships. One part says: In Poly Relationships you have a right to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take. This is easier to do when you know your partner’s other partners and they know you. It can take away uncertainty, concerns about intentions, and other complications, and help make the path to determining what your relationship looks like, clear and easier to navigate.
That morning, I walked into the café with my heart pounding and my hands sweating just a little bit. When I saw them sitting at a table in the back, I had to clear my throat, it was feeling so dry. They were sitting opposite each other, which while thankfully made it feel much less like an “them against me” situation, now I would have to choose who I would sit with. I chose Mia.
As she leaned in to give me hug hello, I was relieved to see that she looked a little nervous too. But soon, the nerves were gone. We were just new friends, getting to know one another. The conversation was easy. We talked about our lives, about poly, and even a little bit about my overnight with her husband and her overnight with her date.
Since then, Benjamin has created a WhatsApp group for the three of us. We chat, flirt, frequently talk about poly in general, and more specifically we talk together about what this relationship looks like. We have had very honest open discussions about how we want to conduct our relationship. It’s been great. My friendship with Mia is my first real metamour relationship, and I truly value her, her honesty, her input, and her willingness to share her husband with me, because he’s my boyfriend and I really like him too!
Before we go, it’s also important to note that you also have a right *to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with your partners’ other partners.Not every metamour is going to want to meet you, let alone be your friend. We are all free to choose. You can also decide if meeting a metamour is a hard rule or not, and from there, decide what your relationship with your partner looks like. I know of at least one person who won’t be in a relationship at all, if she cannot at least talk to her metamours occasionally.
That’s one of the things I love best about poly relationships. We get to design them to look the way we want, not the way “they should be.” Come to think of it, that’s the way all relationships should be, monogamous too. I just never knew I could negotiate a relationship’s path, until I realized I was polyamorous. (But that’s a whole other story…)
Have you ever met your partners partners? How did that go for you?