The Dump Stump
There’s a hole in the market when it comes to bathroom fixtures and I know how to fix it. With toilets, we deserve choices. Sure, you can buy a commode in a variety of colors. White, off white, cream, maybe even Ice Grey. But that’s not the all-American Pimp My Ride, Orange County Choppers level of customization we were raised on. Also, it’s time to take toilets back outdoors with all God’s creatures.
Here it is. Are you ready?
Dump Stumps. Toilets that look like stumps.
Ok, I don’t need an outdoor toilet to poop outside. But listen, I don’t like to squat like an animal with my cheeks in the wind; while trying not to unload down the back of my 8 inch waterproof logger boots. I want to sit atop a premium, moss covered, whimsical tree stump inspired toilet. And I’m going to hide it in the tree-line of my backyard.
That way, when I’m out back splitting firewood, being one with nature and nature calls, I don’t have to walk all the way across my property, dust off my coveralls, and wipe my feet before I wipe my ass in a tile covered poop prison.
I know. I can hear you now. One of you naysayers is chirping, “What about plumbing!?”
Ancient Rome had plumbing my friends. Surely there’s a skilled enough journeyman to run pipes across all my acres.
Dump Stumps is not just about me though, where might you like to pinch one off?
Let’s dream together.
Imagine you’re standing on a quiet riverbank, about a hundred yards from the most beautiful weeping willow. Beside it is the stump of its twin. Some wiry British bloke cut it down to make cricket bats. He’s made a fortune off his weird, fat, metric baseball whackers and left nothing for us free men but a knobby, rotting stump. Bastard. But remember this is a dream.
This is a perfect world with Dump Stumps.
You walk up to that stump, grip the edge and lift a hidden lid to reveal a water filled bowl. Perfect. You unbuckle your genuine leather belt, drop trou, have a seat and let her rip. There’s a serious lack of privacy. But, the family of mallards swimming by don’t mind and neither do you.
They have no idea that your hunt club has 40 Dump Stumps littered around the property — all fitted with animal proof locks.
Maybe I’m speaking to the wrong crowd here and you’re not the outdoorsy type at all. Well, Dump Stump will have something for you too.
That something is solid porcelain and airbrushed in Southern California. It comes with a hanging oxhide leather strap to tug when you’re finished and a cocobolo toilet roll holder. If you’d like, I got a guy who will make you a rhino horn toilet brush. We’ll even hide it behind a bookshelf for you, only accessible by pulling an original copy of Jack London’s Call of the Wild.
Of course, the indoor model is shaped like a stump. It’s still a Dump Stump. But it’s a really good stump. We’ll recreate the stump of your favorite childhood climbing tree. That’s personalized luxury.
Your friends may have a king’s collection of Patek Phillipe wristwatches, but when they excuse themselves from your dinner party they’ll discover you’ve got the only White Bark Maple inspired toilet in North America. They’ll feel envy, jealousy, bitterness, confusion and of course, one gallon per flush relief.
Is Dump Stump the only way to fix the monopolistic, simple minded toilet industry? No, probably not. But If I was a toilet man with ambitions. It’s what I would do.
Now, do you know any industrial designers?