Masculinity: I Don’t Mesh w/ most Guys

(Note: This story includes fictional names for the privacy of the persons and the school.)

A few years ago, in my freshman year of high school, there was this little game that a fair amount of guys in my French class partook in.

Basically, whenever Ms. Blake would help a student, she would bend over due to the low rise desks and chairs. When she performed this action, some guy would perform disgusting and sexual gestures and motions.

For instance, these male students would perform motions like slapping her ass, cupping her ass with their hands, or full-on air humping; however, of course they never touched her, and she never found out. The thing is: these boys would distance their hands or their crotches a fairly small distance away from her butt. So, if she were to possibly back up, she would have definitely feel something.

Regardless, I found these actions to be inappropriate, disgusting, degrading, and desperate.

Unlike these guys, I was raised in a catholic private school with the accompaniment of a sister. Therefore, with the morals and values I possess, there is no way I’d ever confide in participating in such behavior.

This is one example of why I don’t mesh with a huge chunk of guys I meet.

I had this preconception that all guys are douches, unless they’re nerdy, preppy, or druggies. (Those 3 are the types of guys and girls I ended up hanging around with during high school.)

And that’s why:

  1. I wouldn’t want to be friends with them. I don’t want to be friends with egotistical and disgusting people. At the time, I falsely assumed a lot of guys were going to be like that; so I stayed away.
  2. I eventually felt like I would never know how to make conversation with guys my age unless I talked about how hot girls are, or how I want to fuck Kelly. That’s just out of my character. I can’t even call a girl hot because I was raised to call them beautiful or pretty. It’s quite pathetic, but it’s true nonetheless. Overall, I felt like I wouldn’t know how to socialize with guys.

In elementary + middle school, my gender-preference of friends wasn’t a problem. My friend group consisted equally of both guys and girls; however, when I reached high school, everything changed.

I found myself to befriend mostly girls; I talked to mostly girls. My main friend group of 4, however, consisted of 2 girls, one boy and myself. Outside of this group, again, I’d mainly talk to 2 other girls and a guy.

Eventually, I found myself to prefer working with girls on projects and any other form of work, unless any guy friend I had was present. Or of course, any nerdy or nice & clean looked, or druggie.. you get the point.

So, there’s that. I eventually felt bad about myself because I didn’t have any bromance or any guy crew just as it’s promoted in the media.

Eventually, I grew worried because I thought, maybe people will think I’m that one gay guy in those female cliques. Thereafter, I began questioning if that was the reality? Was I really that one gay guy in those female cliques? Can guys not be friends with girls?

It was so bad! I questioned my sexuality just based on what I thought people think of me… If you’re wondering still, no, I’m not gay.

(Note: No hate intended to LGBTQ )

I remember in sophomore year of high school, I was extremely insecure about hanging out with people I hung out with.


Finally, sports. I never developed any form of interest in any type of major sport.

I’ve never played on any school’s sports teams.

I’ve never committed to full on watching, and comprehending what’s going on in televised sports games.

And, lastly, I do not play sports for fun. I do run, and I do swim, but that doesn’t count.

I’m more of an arts person. I prefer to write, sing, cook, draw etc.

So, with all that in mind, I find it hard to talk with guys my age because I don’t have any interest in sports. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but sports is the central connection that’s essential for crafting friendships with other guys.

If you don’t hold any interests in sports, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Sports and being athletic is what we call traditional masculinity. When I talk to my dentist or a doctor, an aunt or an uncle, or anyone, sports always come up!! It’s like people won’t know how to reignite conversations if you they don’t know any other topic to lay as foundation.

Here’s a Huntington Post article that really showcases my point:

All together, I’ve set this illusion for myself that making friends with more guys is unattainable because I don’t feel masculine enough. I’ve developed it so well that I still haven’t managed to fully break through it.

Deep down, I know it’s an illusion because:

  1. After all, I do have some guy friends which means it’s possible.
  2. Everyone’s different, and it was wrong of me to assume all guys are assholes.

hank you for reading, and I’d love to know your thoughts.

Exzaf

There will be continuations…

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