Net Neutrality? Not on MY iPad Mini.

If you think I’m gonna call the Internet “they/them,” you’ve got another somethin’ slappin’, sweetheart.

The Eagle Shield
I love guys like this (above, testifying), whose facial expressions and hand gestures say, “I don’t recall,” but his eyes say, “I better get paid double for this.” That brother’s a shark.

Let me start with this.

Point blank, period: the Internet is a man.

He is a man and he listens to Creedence Clearwater Revival in the car while his boy does Pop Warner practice, and he honks damn loud when his junior Seau busts the biscuits off a flanker so hard the kid fails spelling tests for a month.

The Internet is a man and he prays to Christ for a hottie that bakes pizza shaped like Yankee Stadium. Ain’t nothing neutral about it.

Who — and, look, I’m really asking here — came up with this crapola? I mean, seriously. Somebody wanted to make the Internet — the place we go Incognito to do background checks on our new wife and hate-bomb the gyro place with anonymous Yelps — neutral?

I don’t know who the guy was but he probably wears earmuffs.

Look, before the big boys came through and made the daggone thing civilized, the Web was just email (snooze), the weather (it’s called a window, for crying out crazy), and a fan art page dedicated to Xena: The Warrior Princess that downloaded thumbnail JPEGs one line of pixels at a time (that one was actually pretty lights out). If you ask me, it was Verizon, Amazon, Facebook, YouPorn and guys like me, Buck Crimshaw, thirty-year veteran of political punditry and editor-in-chief of The Eagle Shield since 1998, who made this place civilized and kicked out all the savages who came here to post free translations of The Iliad and didn’t even once think, “Let’s get some retro pics of GTOs and stretch ’em out tall for a wallpaper.” If that was neutral, then, baby, you can throw me in reverse.

We got to the top of the cyberheap for a gosh darn reason, shouldn’t everyone just trust us to keep churning out season six of Geisha Wars streaming now or whatever the hell my foster niece was shouting in my ear at 6 in the damn morning (she’s got an accent and a lisp, so it beats damn me)?

I didn’t just become the number one online political publication for men named Dakota by happenstance. Honestly, people dig what I do, and the last thing I need is competition throwing me off my game and making me come up with new and innovative ways to maintain readership. That’s pretty much the opposite of The American Way, and it’s coming true right before our very eyes. I swear, last night I’d had a couple few and I was considering writing a post about how Star Wars should be President. That’s pretty much something only a full-on nancy-can would type up, but it probably coulda trended for a hot billy.

Me, Zuck, Bezos, and the other fellas know exactly what we’re doing with this whole online thing. If you were born in 1999, well, I’m sorry, Sally. You missed this wave. Feel free to take the next one (psst — professional slo-pitch softie, you heard it here first) and make it as neutral as you want.

This one’s ours — and it’s a he.

The Eagle Shield

Written by

A blog founded by Buck Crimshaw, 30-year veteran of news punditry and the official thought pope of The American Way. ***SATIRE*** Written by Nick Matthews.

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