Gun Control? More like Fun Control.

The attack on guns is a dangerous assault on sport and leisure.

The Eagle Shield

I’m pissed.

The campaign to strip hard-working Americans of their firearms has reached an all-time level of loony, and I’m sick about it.

I will defend guns and gun ownership until the day my first ex-wife Barb plunges a knife deep into my chest for “cheering too much” at my oldest daughter’s field hockey match, and if you expect me to apologize for that, you can think again.

In my thirty plus years of defending the American way of life through the courage of television and newspaper punditry, I have only apologized twice publicly. The first we all recall — I goosed a man’s buttock on television during ABC’s coverage of the 1988 Republican National Convention. As I said at the time, I intended to lightly squish the buttock of a passing female woman between my thumb and forefinger in an endearing and non-threatening manner, but I was kicking booze at the time and the tremors caused me to commit the sin of same-sex fondling. The second instance came years later when I apologized live on-air for saying — accurately, I still contend — that a person’s own farts can sometimes smell kind of good, especially after enjoying Vietnamese cuisine. Flatulence, while not always inappropriate, was definitely out of line during coverage of Princess Diana’s fatal car accident, and for that, I remain contrite.

But I won’t apologize today. Guns are, and always will be, an inextricable piece of American life. Discharging firearms in a responsible manner — whether at delicious animals or human-shaped targets — is the number one sport recreation activity for roughly 600 million Americans. To lose this would be to endanger the American Way. Allow me to explain:

An attack on guns means an attack on sports and, ultimately, an attack on fun.

That woke you up, now didn’t it? Hear me when I say that if we allow infringements upon our gun ownership, it will be only a matter of time before football, stock car racing, woman UFC, and the other American sports are eliminated as well.

Let me be clear: There is not a bigger fan of sport and recreation sporting than me. Sport and game are in my blood. My father, Terry, was an All-State hurdler. My mother, Terri, while unable to participate in athletic play due to her frail female heart, used to keep a framed photo of Michael Jordan under her pillow in the nursing home. If I did not have the influence of sport in my young life, I would probably work in IT today, and the world would be worse because of it.

Sports and hobbying are crucial to American success for two reasons:

1. They will, when taken very seriously, teach important life lessons like how to be a prick to strangers because they support a rival sport club or how to target a man’s groin without being caught by the official.

Gun shooting, specifically, teaches a man to have a steady hand (By the way, my tremor is gone. Back on booze!) and to have the courage of his convictions. Our founding fathers had the courage of their convictions when they dumped that tea into Boston Harbor. They knew that coffee was better, and they refused to be squished under the held-out pinkies of the weak, tea-drinking British any longer. Where would we be had they doubted themselves? Where would we be had they talked themselves into thinking that tea is not icky, but actually nice?

This is why we must continue to shoot guns.

2. Sporting and hobby play is very fun and known to relieve the stress induced by standing up for freedom even when it may be unpopular.

Fun is sacred. It is an inalienable right that must be respected in all forms, even if you disagree with the way folks go about it.

For instance, I take great pleasure in family excursions to the beach. There is nothing more satisfying during my few hours of visitation each month than splashing in the shallows with my children and teaching them how to demand that the lifeguard ask the Hispanic family a few towels down to turn down their music. Some people, typically young men who may have marijuana habits, enjoy throwing a “Frisbee” at the beach. This is an activity that I do not understand. For those of you unfamiliar with “Frisbee,” it is a flattened plastic disk that, when thrown in an effeminate manner, flies through the air at high speeds toward a partner who endeavors to catch the disk and subsequently return it. I know what you are thinking: this sounds un-fun and potentially harmful to traditional family values. I agree with you, however, I can be sure that “Frisbee” is, in fact, fun for these young men because of the whooping and occasional light cursing that I hear from them as they play. It is their right as Americans to recreate in whichever way they enjoy, so I remain on my towel with my copy of Killing Lincoln and say nothing.

All Americans deserve a hobby. A hobby is essential to blow off the steam that builds up in a patriot’s brain when he is bludgeoned all day long by the damaging and dangerous messages disseminated by the mainstream media. It is hard work standing up for liberty in the age of Blackish. For roughly 600 million Americans, gun play and shooting sports are the release (pun intended!) they need to stay sane, and it must be protected.

Imagine the consequences of gun regulations. Wow. It is terrifying to consider.

If our guns were taken, roughly 600 million Americans would be stripped of their fun sport activity and stress relief. They would be wound more tightly and grow angry. They would seek out another outlet for their aggression and be drawn to one of the world’s darkest, most dangerous, and destructive of athletic hobbies — karate. Suddenly, there would be roughly 600 million Americans armed to the teeth with fatal punch and kick combinations who have been brainwashed by Chinese anti-American rhetoric. A Communist-sympathetic horde of experts in close-quarters combat would flood our schools, parks, and houses of worship, and their victims would have no guns to defend themselves. In the Mid-East, ISIS’s power would grow unchecked.

I predict that within eight months of the implementation of gun regulations in the United States, God would forsake the planet Earth and engulf it in flame, starting anew with a race of beings that appreciate guns for their many benefits.

We must keep karate out of America. Hold your guns tightly, and never apologize.

The Eagle Shield

Written by

A blog founded by Buck Crimshaw, 30-year veteran of news punditry and the official thought pope of The American Way. ***SATIRE*** Written by Nick Matthews.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade