I don’t do alternative music, schooling, or lifestyles — don’t rev me up on “alternative facts.”

The Eagle Shield
Jan 27, 2017 · 2 min read

A lot of hippie weirdos in this nation are out of their gourd.

They listen to alternative music (Nirvana? Let me introduce you to a real afterlife. It’s called purgatory and then probably hell for you, you unwashed vagrant.).

Their children attend alternative schools (if kids aren’t crying, they’re not learning).

And they lead alternative lifestyles (just call yourselves “roommates” and we’ll still invite you to holidays) that just don’t align with The American Way.

It appears, after what I saw that Wiccan lady say on Chuck Todd this past Sunday, that our fella in the White House is going alternative, too.

Alternative facts? Sorry, Sally. Not where I live. Alternatives are for people with fake allergies and more successful siblings — not Americans. Let me set you people straight:

Led Zeppelin is the greatest rock band of all time. Those boys shred, and I heard they do some innovative stuff in the bedroom. Are they alternative? No. They’re classic.

Whatever happened to classic facts? Here’s one: pot kills. My cousin Clint died from pot in 1980 after his buddy Stink (good guy; he didn’t mean it) farted on Clint’s pizza rolls and he suffocated from laughter. Am I the only who realizes that the guy with the hair is doing alternative facts because he doesn’t have answers to the real issues? Like pot? And how come GTOs aren’t loud enough no more?

We need fewer alternatives in the White House and way more classics. Remember how Reagan would eat jellybeans every afternoon while his wife combed his hair? That’s the kind of classic Americana missing from this administration. Our guy eats taco bowls and talks with his mouth full while his wife watches Croat soap operas. I’ll take an alternative to that.

Look, I’m not big on all these chicks hitting the streets, either. Honestly, all of them getting together like that is going to result in one big system sync-up, and then we’re all in for it. But that’s not a good enough reason to drop whoppers like “alternative facts” on the American people. Five million people voted illegally? See, I just don’t buy that. I say all votes are valid, unless they’re for a picture other than La La Land (helluva flick — good tunes, no male butts, cute redhead), because you’re fooling yourself if that’s not the film of the decade.

If we want to return to the glory days of The American Way, we need to do away with alternative and go back to classic. If you have any questions, you can find me playing catch with my son Bartlan or watching Ben-Hur on a tube TV in the den. That’s classic.

The Eagle Shield

Written by

A blog founded by Buck Crimshaw, 30-year veteran of news punditry and the official thought pope of The American Way. ***SATIRE*** Written by Nick Matthews.

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