“I Expect Loyalty” — This guy with the hair is starting to sound like my second wife, Bethaline, and that’s grounds for a shit-canning.

Mr. Crimshaw (finger guns) was one of an exclusive group of media members invited to cover the president’s official water balloon fight with Director Kony (right) earlier this spring.

One thing I want to be clear on right out the box on this issue is that I’m impartial, okay? I don’t choose sides, unless they’re mac and cheese or some slaw that’s got a damn kick to it.

As a matter of fact, I don’t like either of these fellas. I’ve been out on the guy with the hair since he started talking about snatching fistfuls of chooch. Look, the woman’s lap is Holy Land — Mesopotamia; the fertile crescent. It’s an ancient territory, and complex, that, when plied with guile and passive aggressive emails, yields rich bounty (For more spot-on metaphors about female anatomy and a woman’s place, written by me, Buck Crimshaw, a thirty-year veteran of news media and a conservative word soldier, check out my eighth book I’ll Take Two: Why Christ Was A Boob Guy).

And that other guy? Kony? Why does it always look like he just fainted in a sauna? He’s probably got thin blood. Mine’s like months-old Valvoline.

And here’s a fact for you: the FBI is widely considered the easiest of the federal agencies to direct. Everything’s on Facebook — just ask my youngest, Gantridge, who really thought he was gonna bring a JV softball player into my home when I’ve told him umpteen times it’s damn volleyball girls or the priesthood. It took me 90 seconds to bust his scrawny rear and have him drug out on the back patio for a disciplinary head shaving. That’s on Facebook, too. I Live’d it.

Now let me get this straight. The fella asking for loyalty just fired the fella who won him the election? That would be like if someone invested 20K in my kids-only salon and then I ripped through their credit card statement looking for dirt (talking about my on-again/off-again, Meredith).

Here’s the point: loyalty is earned, not asked. Between conservative men, loyalty is earned by putting yourselves in a situation together that you wouldn’t want any living soul to hear about. It usually involves a cosmetology student. That’s just true. Look at me and O’Reilly.

If the shiny guy wants loyalty from Kony, he needs to shell out big time on a three-day on South Padre. I’m talking about one of those nights where you and your buddies start out catcalling the youngest waitress in the bar and end up inviting the whole kitchen staff back to the Airbnb after last call, but first you’ve got to meet a guy on the beach about some stuff. The rest of the night is hard to piece together, and neither of you are sure who did what — just that it happened — but you both have media empires to protect and five to eight children to support either emotionally or financially and that’s where loyalty comes from.

I don’t know how this one plays out, but I’m gonna be hacked off either way.