USA drops to #7 in Best Countries ranking. We need an independent investigation, pronto.

This is a textbook hatchet job by the Swiss.

The Eagle Shield
Photo: Friggin’ Mad Magazine or something by the looks of this headline

When I fired up the tablet this morning for my daily newsrip, I just about blitzed my Dockers. I had to perform a full-on pinch-and-twist to avoid sopping my jockeys, cords, and beanbag. That’s just true.

The news today — if somehow you haven’t yet heard — is that The American Way is under attack, and from a nation that has slunk along the underbelly of geopolitics for decades, undetected under the guise of neutrality. If this isn’t a screwjob on par with that time they started letting rap acts into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, then I don’t know what is.

By my calculations, here is what the Swiss are bringing to the table:

  1. They make a good cheese, but do they think we’re too stupid to realize they’re holding out on us? I mean, there’s easily 35–65% of the cheese missing in each slice. Some call that good business, I call that corporate greed.
  2. That country built one helluva damn tennis guy. Wow. He can bop that thing, and that’s coming from more of a team sports guy.
  3. I’ve got nothing but good things to say about those knives they keep cranking out.

That pretty much covers it. I could (and have) written a book on the reasons The American Way is so out of damn sight, but let me just rattle off five of my favorites:

  1. I think picnics were our idea.
  2. Pretty nice diversity in terms of babes. We got stacked blondes, waifs, hourglass, knockouts, ethnic types, smoke shows, butterfaces, those muscular chicks that guys are afraid to say are bangin’, and now there’s something called a “slim-thick” according to my son Lorrlan.
  3. The ’85 Chicago Bears is a global brand that keeps on giving.
  4. Buying stuff through the TV.
  5. You can wear a t-shirt to church if it’s race day.

I did that without blinking and while also shouting my lunch order to my assistant Jerricka (three pieces of bread, buttered).

Not only has the greatest power on the planet been snubbed from the top spot, someone (Switzerland) had the gall to place us at number 7, and here’s why:

Those smug sons of something probably wanted to list us as 196 (this would place us behind all of the world’s nations, including FIFA), but they knew that it would reek of corruption, so they settled for 7 to sufficiently spite the red, white, and blue while still maintaining an air of legitimacy.

This isn’t over, Switzerland. I, Buck Crimshaw (Jerricka), will be calling you in the middle of the night and telling you all the reasons why the skiing is better in Peru until you admit to your wrongdoing or until something else gets me really hacked off and I turn my attention to that issue for 48–96 hours.

Additionally, I think your hot chocolate is overrated.

The Eagle Shield

Written by

A blog founded by Buck Crimshaw, 30-year veteran of news punditry and the official thought pope of The American Way. ***SATIRE*** Written by Nick Matthews.

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