State of the Stream: 2016
I gave up.
Sometime after going hard for a month in January after saying I would continue on streaming, and after I wrote the previous blog about my state of mind, I gave up on streaming. I started looking for jobs, I did everything I could to stay away from Twitch. I was hurt, I was paranoid, I was on the verge every single day of deleting my channel. Nothing no one said or did made any difference, I was lost in a black hole of self hate and ready to give up. This is something that has happened before, many times, and I’m almost positive it will happen again. Subs went way down(below 100), followers kept unfollowing, and the fear of going live due to numbers and fear of rejection kept me from one of the few things I truly had a passion for.
This past year, probably since last April or May, I’ve been questioning my passion for streaming. Streaming for 3–5 hours everyday when I could, taking breaks, running ads, the norm of making this a business. Somewhere along the way, in the past few years, it became more of that, not something I truly enjoyed. There of course were moments of every stream where I found that passion, but most of the time I found myself going through the motions. This has lead me to constantly questioning myself, doubting myself, fearing everything I came to love. That’s why I’ve been gone, that’s why I missed out on my 5 year stream anniversary on March 6th, that’s why I haven’t updated anyone on anything yet.
I’m not sure when I will return, but I have been getting more inspiration lately. More talks with friends who have given me some advice, the support of an amazing fiancee that I love, and a certain wonderful personality by the name of Julia Child. I will be playing whatever I want to play when I return, not things that will get me numbers. I have no interest in playing Minecraft at the moment, but I imagine that will return sooner than later. Whether I am playing a new game that comes out or one of my favorite modern “classics”, I want to return to the roots that I used to have with streaming.
Subs will drop, followers will unfollow, viewers will go away. Some would call this career suicide, but I already gave up. There’s nothing left for me to lose.