What’s Going On

Short one this time, just venting and ranting a bit. Not negatively in a lot of ways, just need to share.

I have no clue what to do with my life at the moment. I am doing my best to move forward and keep pressing on, but I always put up mental road blocks. I’m always constantly getting in the way of making any sort of progress. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and although completing smaller goals has helped me from snowballing, I still feel unaccomplished.

I’m sending out resumes for industry jobs when I can, even keeping an eye out for ideal volunteer work that will keep me headed in a good direction. I’m eating healthier, doing more to be healthy as best as I can, and yet I am centered too much on my stream.

My stream is in shambles. I haven’t been above 3 figure sub count numbers since 2015. My chat suddenly dies for minutes at a time, which might as well feel like hours. I haven’t been consistent forever. I’m not currently on a stream team that feels like it wants to go anywhere and grow together and be more than just a community of auto-hosts. All of these things tie together and make me feel like a failure. I know I’m not, but the feeling is unshakable, it seeps into my streams and conversations, and then suddenly a few days off is one whole stream the month of October so far. I’ll go to bed feeling sorry for myself, wake up feeling refreshed, hype myself up to stream, and then stop. Because I feel like it’s not worth the time, because I feel like I’m not worth the time.

I know I just need to stream and do it, I know I just need to hit start broadcasting. Doesn’t matter what time it is, doesn’t matter what game it is, doesn’t matter who else or what else is on. I know that’s what I need to do, and that’s what I’ve been struggling with the past few months. The battle between beating myself down and failing before I even tried, and just doing it…

To anyone who read, thank you, it means the world ❤