Year 30 Overview
I thought my 29th year was pretty crazy, year 30 was…a bit crazier.
It started off great, having just have spent time with a lot of friends and my now-fiancee on a lot of fun summer adventures. Still, I was going through a crisis with my streaming identity, as I changed from someone who used to do this for a hobby and fun to someone who was stressed with it as a living. If year 29 was learning to let go of who I used to be (successful) and what could have been, year 30 was letting go of being a streamer as a career.
For a while, I tried streaming still, still ran into the problem of stress and being unable to separate from that. When Twitchcon came around, it was bittersweet: I had started streaming again but I was unable to afford living down in Chicago with Drew and Elegy. I had a lot of great fun at Twitchon, lots of inspiration, and then it was back to reality. That was easily one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my life, and I still miss both of them terribly.
During all of this, I also had problems with my fiancee, as I also was snapchatting people that weren’t her in a sexual manner. Cheating. Just writing this out right now knowing people will see this is tough…but it has to be known. This was part of a lot of fights, a lot of arguments, a lot of “I’m leaving you” speeches. We did our best to let this not spill out over on Twitter, but back in December, during #WeLoveYouEddie, one of these fights lead me to wanting to end my life. Not because of her, not because of the fight, but because of my depression, because I never forgive myself, because if I fuck up I never let it go and let it haunt me. That’s when I decided I needed help. I got therapy, I got medication, I stopped snapping, and things slowly got better.
Streaming of course suffered. There was a ray of hope, living with one of my best friends for cheaper than I lived near Chicago, or so I thought. I ate bad food all the time, I never cooked, I never took care of myself. I have horrible anxiety. I didn’t stream, I just couldn’t, there was no barrier in the room where I had my PC between me and the rest of my house. Every time I even thought about streaming I just got sick. I wanted to leave very shortly after moving there, and I should have, but hindsight is 420 or something like that. It took me til April to realize I couldn’t be there, so I left.
Now I’m back home, with the parents, looking to see what’s coming in the future. For now, it’s bright. I have been doing volunteer social media work for a semi-professional e-sports organization(pay wise not effort wise), it’s lead to a few interviews when I apply for some game-industry jobs. This is something I will always do til something finally sticks. Save that, Purple and I are working on me moving up to Canada, since overall it’s cheaper with her medical problems and we all know how great American health care is ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I’ve streamed more in the past 3 weeks(including this week) than I have since November, and I found my passion again, just hanging out, not treating it as a job, just having fun again. Saving up money for conventions, computer upgrades, and many more trips.
30 was tough, 30 was rough, but I learned a lot, as I do every year, even the worst years I’ve had. 31 has already started off great, and I can’t wait to see what it brings, both good and bad ❤