How Can We Help Our Teenagers? (2/2)
Raising teenagers in these testing times
While talking to the children about problems associated with adolescence and teenage I asked the children if they lie to adults. Almost all the hands went up. I asked why. Shame, embarrassment and getting into trouble were the top reasons. Around this age, a lot of children feel a lot more comfortable talking about feelings to their friends than their families.
Why? Because they understand.
It’s a time of utmost biological confusion in the lives of the children. They are going through puberty. They are extremely excitable and emotional because of raging hormones. Most of the decision making happens through the amygdala, the emotion centre of the brain. The prefrontal cortex, that is responsible for reasoning and making balanced decisions doesn’t develop fully till the mid-20s.
Hence, many of their decisions are impulsive, risky and unbalanced.
Moreover, they have a natural tendency to fall in love. Biologically, they are ready to start a family. However, owing to the industrial revolution and whatever ensued after that, their childhoods have been prolonged by a good 15–18 years, which is very unnatural.
Amid all of that, there is a lot of social and religious reasoning that explains why they must not deviate from the straight path, despite being surrounded by circumstances that all invite them to do so.
So what do they do? They start with small lies. They lie about being asleep when they are not. They lie to themselves about their feelings. They change the name of their friends from the other gender on their devices. They tell their parents that they are going to meet their friends and sneak out on dates. Dates that take place in public places initially and slowly gravitate towards more secluded spots. They engage in immoral actions and in many cases develop a reputation. That reputation leaves them with low self-esteem and pushes them towards other solutions; self-harm, drugs and an altered state of consciousness.
The only time young people are able to get out of this abyss is when they themselves get sick and tired of it. And many a time, it’s a little too late.
So what can we do as parents when so much is beyond our control? Unfortunately, there is no foolproof solution to this predicament. However, differentiating between conversation and probing can help. Understanding and respecting a child’s space can help too.
Letting go of some ‘parenting moments’ to create space for some more vital discussions can be very important.
For example, ‘How was your day?’ is a question that your child doesn’t feel like answering on most days, especially after he has had a tough day at school. And he certainly doesn’t want to answer it if he knows you’d feel sorry for him.
Instead, we can give them space and yet be available, accessible and non-judgemental. Replacing a standard question with a more authentic discussion can lead to a better relationship. We need to converse with our children, rather than always telling them what is best for them. We can try to listen and develop a more wholesome relationship with our children, keeping our own self-righteousness aside. Rather than saying you must not know/talk about it or it doesn’t concern you, we need to talk about the tabooed topics and the themes less talked about, so that the children don’t feel embarrassed and lost if the world is not making sense to them. And most importantly, we need to have deep discussions in light of faith. The divine writ is the most comprehensive explanation of life. So allowing children to engage with it critically can also help them reach sound conclusions on their own.
Having said that, this comes with no guarantee that the children will not make mistakes.
In this time and age, the possibility of them not making mistakes is extremely low.
However, whenever they do, having the support of a parent/sibling/teacher to go to and fix things before they slip further is a huge blessing. A child will never reach out to you if the consequences are going to be horrible. Hence, making ourselves accessible is vital. Small lies lead to big mistakes. And lies emerge because the children do not feel comfortable sharing their stories with their parents. So that one save early on can be extremely valuable and worthwhile in the bigger scope of things. And that, I believe, is our best hope as adults in the lives of our children today.
