Independent… To a Fault?

I hate it when people worry about me. It drives me nuts. Even and especially when J does it. I wanted to say that it makes me feel like a burden, but it doesn’t. In all honesty, it makes me feel weak.

And that is unacceptable. Apparently.

I want to explain why I feel this way but I honestly don’t know.

I can’t remember the last time I was emotionally dependent on someone in a healthy situation. Like, where I wasn’t totally obsessed with them and manipulated them into loving me. Because that’s, you know, totally normal.

-sigh-

Anyway.

My boyfriend said he’s worried about me because I get depressed a lot and he’s not around to comfort me. It breaks my heart how mad that made me when I first read it. My independent side is screaming that I don’t need him to make me feel better, while my dependent side is terrified of becoming too dependent. I’m basically constantly at war with myself.

Maybe that’s why I’m depressed so much.

I don’t like the thought of needing someone. That’s where the independent to a fault thing comes in. I would crash and burn before I asked someone for help. It’s just the kind of person I am. I feel like it’s a mix between independence and not wanting to be a burden.

I feel like it’s getting to the point where I need psychological help because I have no idea what’s happening to me.

Part of me wants him to just go away. Leave me alone to help myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have broken my fast so soon. J has the habit of being infuriating over messaging. I don’t know.

Now I’m just mad and confused and upset and I want to give up and go back to bed. I’m not really all that excited about seeing him again anymore. I’ve hit the point of depression where I just want to give up.

Last night, my best friend told me that no matter how much I say I’d enjoy being single I miss J too much to be so. But now I don’t know. Part of me just wants to be left alone.

But if I step back from my feelings and think about it, the main reason I’m upset is because we’re communicating with Facebook messenger and that’s an awful way to communicate. Messaging like that is what helped to destroy mine and Z’s relationship. And it doesn’t help that I can’t remember what his voice sounds like, so I can’t imagine the messages as he would say them in real life.

Once upon a time I said maybe I would be better off if I were alone. At times like this, I can’t help but believe that with every fiber of my being. And I wouldn’t be the only one who would be better off.

Lord help me.