Edge of Forever

So, how do you know?

Do you just wake up one day looking at him sleeping next to you and instead of reaching over and slowly stroking his hair or kiss him softly, you get out of bed and start your day? Does it feel like this gesture that you thought was so imprinted in you, this first connection of the day you thought you couldn’t live without, this bridge being built between you that left a hollow place in your heart whenever you were waking up alone, never existed in the first place?

Are you aware of it happening or does it catch you by surprise?

Was it something he said or did that pushed you back on your feelings or was it simply like drifting out of a dream? If so, which is reality and what was the dream? What version of yourself feels more true to you? What’s you status quo, your baseline? I feel more like myself when I’m lost in a daydream in which I don’t even exist, even if it couldn’t be farther from reality. It’s what I’m used to, it’s my safe place, whenever someone appears, it disturbs my silence.

Passion in a relationship comes and goes, like the running zig-zag lines of heartbeats; after the contraction comes the relaxation. Too much of one and you’d flatline.

You remember moments, but your feelings, as they were, seem alien to you. It’s like watching a love story — you’re rooting for the characters, but they’re not touching you. Maybe you remember watching him sleeping, so fascinated, so protective. You were merely catching glimpses and you were feeling like you were drowning in an ocean. Like you’re 20 feet under and you can feel and hear your heartbeats in your ears and in your entire body. Like your heart is all you are.

Back then, you were afraid he’ll suddenly open his eyes and see you there, looking at him, and he’ll be able to see your soul and understand what it means, while you’re paralyzed at the simple notion that he could even begin to realize the depth of your feelings for him. Your superpower during this lifetime? Hiding feelings.

So, did you just hide them well too good until they disappeared?

Can you pinpoint the exact moment when love’s gone? Checked out for good, didn’t just take a few days off, a vacation. If you do, do you ask for a do-over? Do you go back to that exact moment and see if you can patch it up or do you just take your sheet of paper with the flatline and take it out with the trash?

And, more importantly, after it’s gone, you feel sad because you miss that ocean of feelings you were swimming in him whenever you were next to him or do you feel good and relieved that you can keep you head above water, finally, and just…breathe?

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