The Pain

So, for the last few months I have been dealing with chronic pain. It started with my lower back…..a low dull pain has meant I constantly need to sit crosslegged even at my desk, or in meetings in a chair to pay attention for the length of the meeting (I always warn and apologise to people because it looks disrespectful). Then it was my neck (like right at the very top where it meets my head), which I presumed came from too many hours at a computer but required weekly remedial massages just to keep it in check. Then my wrist started to blow up with a bout of maaaaaaybe carpal tunnel (two different docs, two different diagnoses) but one that required a splint brace for a few weeks to settle it down. My hip (which has been operated on in the past), has been giving me grief too. But the last week, my lower back has blown up, some days so excruciating I’ve had to take opoids I still have from a surgery (where ironically I didn’t need to take any pain meds because I had no pain). Yet, some days, like yesterday, it’s as though it’s no problem at all. Today, it’s a different story, it’s like my body feels like it’s at risk of cracking in half. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it’s genuinely how it feels. I’ve gone from someone who can’t sleep (two years of chronic, debilitating insomnia), to someone who literally can’t keep her eyes open past 7.30 pm — in fact the ONLY upshot of this whole thing is that I seem to be sleeping just fine these days (although waking up exhausted). Pain is mentally and emotionally exhausting. This can’t be normal. In fact, I know it’s not normal. And I’m just sick of it. I feel like I have been various levels of sub-healthy for two decades. And I feel like a fucking hypochondriac when I talk about it. Actually, scratch that, I think OTHER people think I’m a hypochondriac when I talk about it, I know that how I feel is real. So, I don’t really talk about it. But, today I’m just so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

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